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24 Headline Predictions for 2024

By Ella Bilu


Politics: 


Joe Biden Falls Down Stairs Again 


In Shocking Twist, Hunter Biden Seen Making Out with Ivanka Trump


George Santos Stars As Himself in New Netflix Docuseries on His Rise in Congress


George Santos Replaces RuPaul on RuPaul’s Drag Race


Vivek Ramaswamy Suddenly Debuts a Southern Accent. Experts Predict It’s An Attempt to Attract More Country Music Fans 


Pop Culture: 


Kim Kardashian Launches Eighth Business, ‘Kimi,’ an Artificial Intelligence ChatBot That Tells You What Kim Would Do


James Charles Hits on Travis Kelce in Front of Taylor Swift, Sparking Controversy For ‘Shits and Giggles’


Justin Trudeau Hosts SNL for the First Time to Dress Up as Emmanuel Macron as a Macaron


For the Seventh Time, Influencers Say Heartfelt Goodbyes to Fans in Fear TikTok Will Be Shut Down


Joshua Crashes Olivia Rodrigo Concert To Spread the Message of Christ


News: 


Idaho Ceases to Exist after Failure to Produce Potatoes


The United States Will Be Underwater by the Year 2100, Dr. Fauci Says.


Generation Alpha Fights Generation Z Over Which Generation Has Better Slang


Florida Man: 


Florida Man and Governor Ron DeSantis Become Ambassadors for Louboutin Heels After Being Exposed for Wearing Extensions in Already Elevated Cowboy Boots


Florida Man Sinks Yacht in Miami Bay After Trying to Prove How Much Money He Has 


New Florida Man Lionel Messi Out For the Season After Trying Cheese Whiz


Sports: 


Tom Brady Comes Back from Retirement Under Alias Peyton Manning 


Joe Biden Plays Donald Trump in Tennis, Results in Draw After Trump Passes Out, and Joe Biden Craved Ice Cream 


LeBron James Buys Lakers, Announces He Will Play Forever 


Due to Global Warming, Hockey is Canceled


Op-Ed: 


Opinion: I am a Democrat Voting For Donald Trump 


Opinion: I am a Republic Voting For Joe 


Opinion: Elon Musk Made X Great While Mark Zuckerberg Hates Free Speech 


Opinion: We Should Spend More Time on Our Phones

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