By Nataly Delcid
I grew up in the states, but after Elon Musk bought Twitter and I left for boarding school, my parents decided they had enough of America: they temporarilyish moved to Mexico. The move made sense, Spanish is their first language and North Texas was nauseatingly boring. Deadass, the party zone there was the local IHOP because it was the only place open past 8 p.m.
The move is nice and I’m happy for my parents. The only real con is the vulgar and offensive layover in Orlando I have to take to get here. Orlando is the worst city in the world. Truly hell on earth. Vulgar. Anyways, the new rental house is nice and we got a new puppy, but one thing still intrinsically feels off for me: the holidays. Don’t get me wrong, we still celebrate them but everything is just a little…off. For instance:
We’re too old. This is unrelated to being in Mexico, but now that I, the youngest in the family, is 16, my parents have decided there is no true purpose in celebrating holidays unless there is a gullible and annoying child jumping up and down the walls with cool ranch Dorito crumbs on their fingers and shit on their trousers. Therefore, we’re cutting ALL kinds of corners. Turkey? No, Chicken Breast from Super Aki! Gifts? No, cash (except for the dogs, who got king-sized bones). Christmas tree? No, miniature holiday palm tree (I’m being deadass). I sort of am more excited to see what tradition my parents will choose to give up on each year I grow older; so, I guess there is still some excitement and/or element of surprise associated with the Holidays!!
It’s hot. I’m from Texas, so I’m not used to a snowy Hallmark Christmas exactly, but I do miss being able to drink hot cocoa at Christmas without sweating like balls. For instance, I woke up on Christmas morning, sweaty as usual, and then took off my shirt and went for a Christmas run. WhY TF WoUlD anyone Do THAt you may ask. Because I can’t drink hot cocoa and be moderately comfortable anymore. All I can do is run and drink iced coffee, but then I can only have it without milk or sugar, which brings me to my next point.
I can’t eat shit because I have to cut weight for wrestling fuh. No mashed potatoes, carrot cake, or champagne for mua. I have to be two pounds lighter by the time I get back from break for wrestling. Two pounds, two weeks. These two weeks must be calculated precisely by the gram of protein. So, I can’t even enjoy the foods we still eat that I do like. Carrot Cake fawk mannsnd.
I have no friends. I can speak Spanish, but I cannot “fuck around and shi” with folks in Spanish. Therefore, I cannot make friends in Mexico and therefore, I’m quite unhappy. The only person I talk to is my brother, who can be a pissy ah bih sometimes. I also have my parents, who are typically cool for 20 minutes and then tell me how disappointed they are about how messy and forgetful I am. Then I have my dogs, who are chill until they start pissing on my shoes. I can facetime my friends, but they’re usually doing actually fun stuff. So, I resort to running until my legs burn, doing premature schoolwork, or watching Seinfeld while I pity myself for how pathetic I am.
I’m single. No Gilmore Girls matching pajama hot cocoa cutesy Christmas. Just pain. Anyways tho hmu @ndelcid14 on instagram babes for Christmas 2023 😈😏
Nataly Delcid asf