By Asher Hancock:
In recent years, the exponential rise in technology has allowed people to consume more information than ever before. However, the internet cannot always be trusted and the overwhelming amount of misinformation on it has the potential to cause serious problems. Perhaps one of the most glaring examples of this is the COVID-19 pandemic. It’s hard to stay updated on all the new laws and guidelines surrounding the crisis, so maybe there’s a better way to ensure prevention. Below are the key facts you need to know to better understand COVID and to help prevent the spread of the virus.
Do you need to wear a mask?
The massive debate over whether or not to wear a mask is honestly pretty stupid, and takes the focus away from a much more important conversation. Obviously, wearing a mask is necessary and prevents the spread of the virus, but the truth is the standard mask isn’t getting the job done. There are really only two viable options that will keep you totally safe from the virus. The first of these is obviously duct tape. A recent study conducted by The National Duct Tape Association, a non-biased, entirely neutral group found that 96% of major global issues including climate change and world hunger can be fixed with duct tape. Next time you go to the grocery store or the local haberdashery, make sure to wrap your whole face in duct tape before you go. Obviously, you should leave an opening around your mouth and nose areas so you can breath; otherwise, you’d be an idiot. The NDTA also found that 110% of people who do this ultimately eliminate the risk of spreading the virus ( the first time science has ever had such a percentage) and that 115% of people look really stupid doing it(the second time science has ever had such a percentage).
If you don’t want to lose your eyebrows, or even wear a face covering at all, then the second solution is the one for you. Buy a giant hamster ball that you can run your errands in. It may come with air holes, but in order to fully avoid the virus, you should cover those with duct tape and buy a scuba tank so you can breath. This might pose a challenge during shopping as the ball is probably too wide to fit in the aisles, so perhaps you should just order everything to your home.
Additional note: There is a common misconception that having a cool design on your mask makes it more effective but that is not the case. Also, tattooing a mask onto your face rather than actually wearing one is a viable option that is certainly worth considering.
How to tell if you’re social distancing correctly
It is a bold overestimation of the average American’s intelligence to assume that people know how much six feet actually is. The reality is that your ocular assessment probably isn’t cutting it and that you need a way to accurately determine the distance. There are a few pretty simple ways to make sure that people stay far enough away. The first solution is to walk around with a megaphone and attempt to recruit people to Scientology by shouting “Tom Cruise is the messiah!” Wearing a tunic or just a loincloth definitely won’t hurt. People will not want to be within 15 feet of you, and will often change their route entirely or climb trees just to avoid you, creating a wonderfully socially distant environment. If somebody does try to approach you and shows interest in your religion, then it is your turn to run as fast as you can, because people who believe in Scientology are the real threat to society.
If you are worried about hurting your public image, then you can social distance using a simple accessory. Buy a water gun that has a 6 foot range and fill it with lemonade. If the lemonade hits people when you shoot, then they are too close and you should inform said people that it is pee so they back off. Of course, you could just fill it with water and move further away from people if you’re too close, but that would be a beta move. Be careful as to who you are spraying, and remember that the Karen in the parking lot may have pepper spray or a cane to beat you with. Finally, as previously mentioned, just don’t go outside. Stock up supplies, stay inside your home, and wait it out.
Additional note: Not exactly sure how duct tape would help on this one but it definitely does somehow so buy as much as you can afford.
Let’s be real
The coronavirus is so pervasive right now that you probably are tired of hearing about it. Maybe it’s time to focus on something else. In a recent statement from Aaron Duct, esteemed son of Daffy Duct (no relation to the cartoon duck) and current CEO of Duct Tape Incorporated, the premier seller of the highest quality tape, he said this: “The current polarization that is influencing the global psyche has pushed the human population near the brink of extinction. Only one thing can truly bring everyone together again. Only one thing can physically connect all the continents into one massive piece of land. Only one thing is sold in almost all major retailers worldwide at a price affordable for all. That one thing is DTI’s Duct Tape”. He then proceeded to drop the microphone and strut off the stage with immense swagger, an act strikingly reminiscent how Gandhi ended his speeches. So just because I may or may not have been paid a hefty sum of money by Mr. Duct to write this article, does not mean I don’t believe in the cause and does not mean that duct tape is not more than a very sticky adhesive strip that can be used to efficiently hold things together. It is so much more. It can be used as a frisbee or worn as a crown or even a dress. It can be toilet paper or tissues. It can be folded up into a tape-wallet I think-- I’m pretty sure I remember watching my friend do that in fourth grade. Duct tape is whatever you want it to be. You might be confused as to how this tangent has anything to do with coronavirus prevention, but really it has everything to do with the pandemic. Those sticky adhesive strips are the treatment, the vaccine, and the cure for COVID-19 all wrapped into one.
Additional note: This article and the science presented within it should be taken completely at face value and the facts should not be researched further as we can confirm that they are 115% true. If this warning is not heeded and contradictory evidence is found, ignore it, as it is wrong.