Golf: A Checklist for New Players

By William Herff:


So, you want to pick up golf? Good for you! What a lovely game to get you off the couch and

into the warm embrace of mother nature. Right? Wrong. Lucky for you, I have prepared a

checklist to make sure your transition into the “sport” is tolerable.


1. Hire a Therapist.

It is truly foolish to embark on this journey without one. If you don’t hate yourself already, get ready to soon.


2. Invest in Exercise Equipment

What’s that? You want to play golf for the exercise? So did I. Spoiler alert: riding in a golf cart

while eating goldfish and honey roasted peanuts is NOT exercise. You are more likely to get a

hole in one than lose weight.


3. A Band of Jolly Knuckleheads

You aren’t planning to play this game alone, are you? I sure hope not. You need a tribe of idiots just as dim-witted as you to get out there and hit balls...out of bounds and into someone’s kitchen window.


4. A Money Tree

Because Bill Gates couldn’t even play this game without going broke. Lose a ball in the water

and you’ve just lost 5 bucks faster than you can say FORE! Sick of using granddaddy’s clubs

from the 40’s? You poor baby! Thankfully, you can sell your kidney on the black market for a

putter.


5. Dry Wall

Still frustrated you can’t hit a ball right in front of you. Come on home and punch a hole through your wall.


6. Pepper Spray

Uh oh. You decide to clear your throat and accidentally interrupt that old country club scrooge

mid swing. You’ll be glad to have something to defend yourself.


7. Life Insurance

Having a stroke while taking a stroke is definitely possible!


Closing Thoughts:


There you have it. Seven surefire tips to get you started. From now on you’re on your own. Good luck, and if, or rather when, you quit, shoot me an email at I-told-you-so-you-wooden-headed-moron@gmail.com.