By Ben Fogler
Scenario #1: A Quiet Place
I have only seen the first A Quiet Place movie, and it was a while ago so my recollection of the lore may be off, but as I recall the monsters in the film had one main weakness: they were very agitated by shrill, high-pitched frequencies. This was what allowed Emily Blunt’s character (I cannot for the life of me recall what her name was, and to be honest I don’t even know if they said it in the movie) to fend off one of the creatures and eventually render it vulnerable to bullets. So what I’m thinking is, if I were plopped down in this universe -- let’s say about a year before the apocalypse happens -- the first thing I would do is locate Mariah Carey. Then, I would build a great friendship with her, the kind of unexpected matchup that somehow works so well (think Ruth Bader Ginsburg & Antonin Scalia or Elton John & Lil Nas X). We’d have each other’s back, ride or die, etc. When the apocalypse hits, I have probably the best possible ally at my side, because, if you recall, the monsters are vulnerable to high-pitched noises. Any time one even comes close to us, Mariah can start singing the bridge in “Emotions,” and we’d be smooth sailing.
Scenario #2: Bird Box
Bird Box, otherwise known as “A Quiet Place but with blindfolds and Sandra Bullock” is a bit more challenging than the aforementioned film, because the “creature” doesn’t really have a weakness. If you’re unfamiliar, the premise of Bird Box is the same sort of “ooh what if we did a movie where the characters weren’t able to do something they normally can” as A Quiet Place, but instead of not being able to make noise, the characters aren’t able to use their eyes because if they see the monster they are suddenly compelled to take their own lives. As such, the survivors are forced to stay indoors so that they can’t see the monster, or if they have to venture outside they wear blindfolds. So what is a poor soul to do? Mariah is no help here, sadly. I think I’d have to rely on my own wits to save myself. Hmmm… well as I recall, (SPOILER ALERT) at the end of the film, Sandra Bullock and her two children, Boy and Girl (yes, those are their names), make it to a sanctuary where the blind, who are safe from the monster because they can’t see it, reside. I suppose the safest thing for me to do here would be to blind myself. Now, I could go all Oedipus Rex here and stab out my eyes, but that just seems so extra. Oedipus was such a drama queen. Listen, I don’t want to speak for the group, but what he went through? We’ve all been there. He didn’t need to be all “woe is me, I am so ashamed” about it. If I lived in Bird Box, I would blind myself in a much more dignified way. I’d wait ‘til midnight, then turn off all the lights, surrounding myself with darkness. Then I’d wait until my eyes had adjusted, whip out my phone, and switch it to Light Mode. I’d never see again.
Scenario #3: The Walking Dead
The zombies -- ahem, “walkers” -- in TWD are really, really slow. Have you ever seen these guys shamble around? A geriatric could outrun one. I find it hard to believe that they were somehow able to take over the planet and infect everyone except Andrew Lincoln et. al. If I were to live in this universe, I would take advantage of their utter lack of speed and find an airport. From there I would position myself at the starting end of a travelator (you know, those moving walkways that are basically giant versions of the conveyor belts at grocery checkouts that the cashier turns on for like two seconds to move your purchases 5 inches closer to the register?). I would then turn on the travelator and watch as the rubber floor cycled away from me. The walkers would be attracted by the noise, so they’d stop whatever they were doing and head towards me. But uh-oh! They’re stupid! So they’d get on the travelator on the opposite side, not realizing it’s in motion, and they’d be pushed back as they tried to move forwards. Since they’re so slow, they’d be unable to make any progress towards me. “But Ben,” you say, “What about behind you?” That’s where Mariah Carey comes in. No, I’m kidding, she wouldn’t be of help here. To handle that, I’d probably position myself at a travelator that led to a terminal where Spirit Airlines would be taking off. No one, not even a walker, would want to go anywhere near that.
Scenario #4: Genesis Flood Narrative
Okay, I was about to write a little quip for how I would survive by shaving Noah, pasting his beard onto my face, and impersonating him long enough to take the wheel of Noah’s Ark without God noticing (that seems wrong, of course God would notice, sorry God) but I just thought of something. The whole reason that God flooded the world was because it was full of corruption and violence, right? And now, it is still full of corruption and violence. But because of global warming, the sea levels are rising, and we’re experiencing floods. So maybe God is warning us? I’m sure someone has already thought of this, but if not, then omg, I am a genius. Anyway, the way I’d have survived this one was going to be that whole beard thing, but I don’t think that would work out. So what I’d do here is employ Mariah- -- okay, that’s enough, the joke is no longer funny, moving on -- what I’d really do is utilize some classic Minecraft mechanics. If you’re not aware, when you place a door underwater in Minecraft you create a pocket of air because the door is not a waterlog-able block. So what I’d do is swim down and place a door. This would create a bubble of air in which I would be able to wait in until the flood passed (and yes, I know it was quite a long time, but luckily for me I am surrounded by water, and I’m sure a fish would swim along every now and then to provide me with food).
Scenario #5: All of Us are Dead
I just wouldn’t live in Korea.