By Benji Elkins:
This Thursday, renowned Milking Cat Doctor Mark Pruvner conclusively discovered the most effective form of pain relief to be simply inflicting pain on a different area of your body, thus drawing the pain away. “Pain really is just nerves. And nerves are finite. You can’t have infinite nerves. Therefore, they can’t be in two spots at the same time,” Pruvner explained to The Milking Cat Press.
The groundbreaking study documented local man Harris Gardner and his pain from a highly vicious stab wound to the palm after a standard blood oath gone wrong. When Pruvner stabbed Gardner in the collarbone, Gardner was pleased to announce the pain in his palm had almost disappeared completely.
When asked to give advice to our readers, Pruvner suggested keeping a makeshift mallet or hammer close by, preferably one that has enough length, flexibility, and weight to damage all parts of your body.
Though Pruvner refused to give any definitive answers, his laboratory has leaked the fact that their next project may be exploring if a person’s intelligence really does correlate with whether their hand is bigger than their face.