By Asher Hancock:
In March of 2019, I set out on a journey that no man had ever attempted before. I entered the landscape of the dark web, expecting to be disturbed and changed forever. Those adjectives are adequate descriptions of my experience, but it was much more different than I could have ever imagined. I tried 5 dark web dating sites and was pleasantly surprised. I then documented it in an article titled, “I Tried 5 Dark Web Dating Sites and Was Pleasantly Surprised.” To be honest, in the time since I’ve published the article, nothing in my life has even come close to rivaling the thrill of having one of my kidneys harvested to be sold on the black market. Although I swore never to return due to the lifelong psychological and physical trauma, I’ve decided that life is too short not to explore the horrifying dark side of human nature that is the dark web. As a renowned man of culture and class, I am, of course, a podcast patron, but have found that the verbal stylings of Terry Gross and Ira Glass leave something to be desired. As a result, the following is a list of 3 Dark Web Podcasts that I can’t possibly recommend, but only due to the fact that most of them were deleted an hour after being posted and can never be found again.
The Gun Range
When I think of the dark web, one of the first things that comes to mind is black market arms dealing. This podcast delves into weaponry like no other. The title is somewhat deceiving as guns are only a part of the weapons conversation. Some weapons that received more than their fair share of air time include the Bulgarian Umbrella (shoots poisonous pellets), the Wagh Nakha (wolverine-like knuckle blades), and Soviet Explosive Dogs (exactly what it sounds like). I mean, this dude will not stop talking about the one time he stabbed someone with a samurai sword, and I just wanted to hear more about the stopping power and gauge of a sawed-off shotgun. After rereading that sentence, it’s clear to me that I’m in way too deep. As can be expected, the podcast is hosted by three bearded conservative men and often features a strange gentleman named Cousin Sal who has clear mafia ties. What’s nice about this podcast is that the 3 men are convicted murderers who have used all sorts of weapons, as opposed to Cousin Sal who seems to have murdered several people but just has never been caught. As a result, each weapon on the podcast comes with a personal story from one or more of the hosts about how they’ve used the weapon, and then, of course, their rating of its performance on a scale from “could use some work” to “totally killing it.” They also spend a copious portion of the podcast talking about kitchen gadgets that have helped them become better chefs and, as a result, better men. Personally, I’m finding the OXO Good Grips 3-in-1 Avocado Slicer to be more than satisfactory.
Organ ASMR
I know what it sounds like, but it’s not what you’re thinking.; this is not a podcast of somebody fondling genuine human organs and whispering about them into a microphone. The Milking Cat is a notable “by infants, for infants” periodical, so I would never include anything that graphic. “Organ ASMR” is a podcast surrounding a man, Jeremiah Clover, who used to harvest people’s organs but is now reformed and has learned to recreate the sounds and ambience of the organ harvesting experience with only his mouth. Well, that would be unfair to say because he does have bags and bags of his own blood that he frequently sloshes around, followed by whispering, “I’m just making a Bloody Mary” and a whisper/cackles which doesn’t really seem like a possible thing that someone can do. Jeremiah also kept a tooth from everyone he ever stole a kidney from, and has made a very nice necklace out of them. He likes to rattle the necklace and say, “Bob doesn’t like it when I say this, but a tooth can be a nutritious snack.” Oh, I forgot to mention that Jeremiah has a voice in his head named Bob who disapproves in Jeremiah’s frequent consumption of the teeth, and disapprovies even more of Jeremiah’s frequent narration of the consumption of the teeth . Jeremiah has clearly had all of his teeth removed, or lost them from all the smoking like in those Truth commercials. I say this because he sometimes removes his dentures and starts mashing his gums together which is oddly satisfying. I’d recommend this for anyone who wants to feel soothed but also feel guilty that they find it soothing and never speak of it to anybody else.
Podcast for Asher Hancock
In documenting the dark web, I have apparently been discovered by a woman named Polly who has made a podcast where she talks about her obsession with me. It is unclear whether she wants to kill me or marry me-- probably some combination of the two-- but regardless, I have installed a new security system in my home and now sleep with a stuffed animal to keep me safe at night. In the podcast, she talks about how she is a high level hacker and was able to find out my deepest darkest secrets that she will use to both blackmail me and seduce me. Since I am a man of great journalistic integrity, I will now confess said secrets so that she loses her leverage. So basically I once jumped out of the boat in the “It’s a Small World Ride” at Disney World and started pummeling one of the doll characters when it wouldn’t get me the manager. In my defense, the only reason I wanted to see the manager is because they kept playing the same song over and over for some reason, so I wanted to inform them of the issue. Additionally, I have a secret YouTube channel in which my pet beetles spar in a miniature thunderdome called BarrysBeetleBoxing. Finally, Polly threatened to leak text messages in which I declare Captain Hook’s first mate Mr. Smee to be my celebrity crush. To be honest, the podcast really made me feel special-- so much so that I have agreed to go on a date with her, specifically in a very public and crowded location so she doesn’t try to kidnap me.
After this traumatic journey through the criminal underworld of lost souls and neglected psychopaths, I am now determined never to enter the dark web again… at least until I feel like it. Tune in for next week's article detailing the date, “Polly Was a 75-Year-Old Female Vietnam Veteran With a Story To Tell and a Van Full of Chloroform.”
Gimme your deets bae