Peloton Class

By Noah Stern:


The following transcript was taken from a Peloton cycling class on August 21st, 2020. All classes are recorded for quality assurance purposes.


Fade in, male instructor on bike. He is wearing a lime green Peloton branded tank top, black cycling shorts, and a hairband


Instructor: What’s up Peloton, I’m Matt Negreanu and welcome to my 30 minute 2004 ride! Every song today will be from the top charts of the year 2004! First off, let’s take a look at the screen, there are three numbers here to guide you on your path to glory. On the left is your cadence, or leg speed. On the right is your resistance, which is controlled by that red knob. Turn it to the right to make your ride harder or turn it to the left if you’re a bitch. In the center is your output, which controls your place on the leaderboard. If you want to compare yourself to the 20,000 strangers who have already completed this ride, feel free. Just know that you will never get ahead of @bikewithjennifer, a 47 year old mother of three from Portland, Oregon.


“Yeah!” by Usher featuring Lil John begins to play.


Matt: Oh I absolutely love this track! I remember this song was playing in the car the day I drove my wife to the hospital to have our first daughter. A few years later, I found out she wasn’t mine, but hey, what can you do? Alright let’s start our warmup!


Matt does not begin to pedal, he just boogies to the music while sitting on the bike. When the chorus starts, he belts out “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” but as the verse starts he awkwardly mumbles the first few words then fades out completely into a milly rock dance move.


Matt: Alright guys, that’s the end of the warmup. We are now getting into our first climb of the day. Crank that resistance up to a minimum of 45 and let’s come up out of our seats at a cadence of 60 to 75.


“Hey Ya!” by OutKast begins to play.


Matt: Ugh, I so heavily dig this track! Did you know Ronald Reagan died in 2004? Push it here guys!


Once again Matt does not pedal along with the class. He produces a medium-sized bean burrito and starts to eat it while shouting encouraging things at the screen.


At this point the class output numbers take a noticeable dip as many people are confused about if they should still be pedaling or not.


“Hey Ya!” fades and is replaced by “Rock Your Body.”


Matt, who has fully unclipped his shoes from the bike and is now sitting on a chair to the side: Oh man this song is great! The first time I heard it was during the Super Bowl. It was Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson and they were dancing really sensually. I always found it weird because Janet was wearing this really elaborate leather get-up and Justin was wearing a shitty t-shirt and loose khakis. Anyways, so they’re singing and dancing and the song starts to end and Justin goes up to Janet and he pulls…


Matt is interrupted by Peloton trainer Alex Toussant yelling at him.


Alex: Who the hell are you?! What are you doing in my studio?!


Here, the video feed is cut off, but “Rock Your Body” can still be heard playing over a blank screen.


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©2018 by The Milking Cat.