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By Benji Elkins:

In 399 BC, the great philosopher and thinker Socrates went on trial. Having upset the elite of Athens through the use of his socratic method, the utilization of questions in an argument to stimulate critical thinking, Socrates was condemned to death. However, probably one of the most definitive factors in Socrates’ condemnation was the vicious and treasonous testimony given by his once friend Meletus. Though no transcript of the testimony exists today, The Milking Cat has gathered a transcript of the events that transpired between Meletus and Socrates while the two were at the Parthenon only a few days before.

MELETUS: Socrates, do you have any tissue paper?

SOCRATES: Tissue paper, my friend? As in for the toilet?

MELETUS: Yes. I need it, good friend.

SOCRATES: Why does Meletus need this paper? Did Socrates not see him yesterday at the marketplace with a full purchased package?

MELETUS: Meletus was seen as such, good Socrates, but Meletus needs the paper now.

SOCRATES: Has Meletus shit himself?

MELETUS: Meletus has certainly not shit himself.

SOCRATES: Then, may Socrates inquire as to the smell Socrates is sensing in his conversation? Or is Socrates having olfactory hallucinations?

MELETUS: Meletus also sensed that smell and queried whence it had came much like Socrates.

SOCRATES: And may Socrates inquire the following: if it has been agreed that Meletus has purchased a new package of toilet paper only yesterday, there is no need for Meletus to have Socrates’ paper unless Meletus needs it now, as he said.

MELETUS: Yes that is true.

SOCRATES: And so, then can it be said, Meletus needs it for an emergency. And considering he asked for specifically toilet paper, and Meletus and Socrates are the only ones in the area, it can be implied that Meletus has therefore shit himself.

MELETUS: Implications are never definitive Socrates should know it.

SOCRATES: But in this scenario, dear Meletus, should it not be asked, where else one may find shit to wipe if not lay in one’s own asshole? Suggesting the only possible conclusion being Meletus’ self-defecation?

MELETUS: Meletus has not shit himself!

SOCRATES: Then will Meletus rise up from his seat and show his backside to Socrates?

MELETUS: F*ck off.


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