By Noah Stern:
The Lockwood High Gazette
Teacher Power Rankings
By Chris Baker
#1 Mr. Henderson - English (Last Month Was Ranked #3)
Just about everyone at Lockwood saw this one coming. No one can dispute Mr. Henderson’s meteoric rise to the top of the teacher rankings: To start his historic November, he saw Tommy Taglione juuling in the back row and pretended he didn’t notice. Then, he let his 8th period out 5 minutes early on the Friday of Halloween weekend. To top it all off, an exclusive source (Ms. Christopher) tells me that Mr. Henderson has been heavy flirting with the new librarian and might be getting somewhere.
#2 Mr. Campbell - Biology (Last Month #2)
This month, Mr. Campbell retains his spot as the best teacher in the science hallway. His study guides are basically the exact test and he gives out candy during any assessment (note: “candy” does not mean those stupid green peppermints you bought in bulk, Mrs. Harris). Also, before class, he talks about fantasy football and I heard he told Derek to draft Aaron Jones over Todd Gurley.
#3 Mrs. Silverman - AP Gov (Last Month #4)
It’s hard to argue with the consistency Mrs. Silverman has shown as she perennially outranks the other AP Gov teacher, Mr. Chalmers. She lets her kids use their phones to play Kahoot but Mr. Chalmers forces everyone to use the laptops. I mean, Jesus Christ Mr. Chalmers just because you have a flip phone doesn’t mean everyone in your classes doesn’t have an iPhone 6 or better.
#4 Ms. Giordano - Chemistry (Last Month #7)
So far this year, the wins just keep on coming for Ms. Giordano. Everyone agrees that she plays the best music during labs and she has the best strategy for remembering all of the polyatomic anions. But what really precipitated her ascent into the top 5 has been her approval among the popular girls. She let Ashley Peterson do one of those TikToks that are like, “My teacher said if this goes viral we don’t have to take the midterm,” and it got 467k likes.
#5 Randy - Custodian (Last Month #6)
What more needs to be said about Randy? He’s been working at Lockwood for 36 years and has been a staple in the power rankings for as long as they’ve been written. He’s blind in one eye, leaves his dog in his car all day, and sometimes he stops by a classroom with a full trashcan only to throw out an empty Cheez-its bag and leave. This month, Randy neglected to put a wet floor sign down and Lisa Butler fell on her ass in the math hallway.
#6 Mr. Sauf - Calculus (Last Month -)
There’s only one reason Mr. Sauf made it onto the power rankings this month, and, while I don’t expect him to stay in the top 7 for long, the buzz around him these past few weeks cannot be understated. As everyone now knows, he recently got married to Jack McCarthy’s mom. While Mr. Sauf being Jack’s new step-dad would have been sufficient drama, it recently came out that Jack’s mom wants them both to take his last name.
#7 Sra. García - Spanish (Last Week #1)
Well, it’s safe to say that the hype around Señora García has just about died down. Coming into the school year, Lockwood’s newest Spanish teacher had taken the power rankings by storm, coming in at #4 in September and taking the top spot in October. In an interview, Jackson Connolly told the Gazette staff, “She’s at least a 9, bro.” Unfortunately, a group of students including Jackson spotted Sra. García being picked up by her husband after school, and he was “just, like, so ugly. Mans looked like Steve Buschemi.” Rachel Goldman elaborated further, asking “what kind of guy just has the time to swing by at 2:30 pm every day in a Ford Fiesta? Does he have a job?”
*The Milking Cat is not sponsored by or associated with Juul, Cheez-its, Ford Motor Company, or the College Board and its AP Program