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The Last Will and Testament of a First Grader

By Jacob Kane:




I, Jack Rice, of Mrs. Smith’s first grade class, make this my will and testament. I don't totally know what that is, but my uncle says you need it for when you die. And if I get murdered by the monster under my bed - his name is Damien - I should probably be ready to die. So I am writing my will while watching my cartoons.

Article One

According to a youtube video I watched about wills and stuff, you need someone called an “executor” to take care of your stuff. That sounds like a weird name for the person to take care of your money, since wouldn't an executor - someone who executes - be the person who killed you? Anyway, I want that to be my bestie, Jake. I don't know his last name, even though my dad keeps asking about it. He's weird and old and smells like oranges. If Jake can't do it, my grandpa can. He gives me a birthday check every year so I guess he is good with money.

Article Two

I give my Pokemon and baseball cards to Jake, which should be pretty easy since he is the executor. Also, does this mean he will go to my house when I am not there? Sounds awkward for my mommy. If Jake does not want them, they should go to Jack B., not to be confused with myself, because I am Jack R.

Article Three

I give my Nintendo switch to my cousin Will. He used to have one, but then I broke it when he went to the bathroom, and I told him that his dog ate it. Then he cried. I know mommy says not to lie but sometimes I have to. It's part of the hustle.

Article Four

I give the rest of my stuff to a museum which should be established in my name. It shouldn't be boring, because I don't want all my toys and stuff to be in a boring place. Just let everyone come and play with all my stuff and enjoy it forever. That will be my museum - the JACK RICE FUN MUSEUM!

Article Five

I am explicitly not giving my sister Amanda anything, because she is a big fat meanie who ripped the instructions to my Legos so I can't build then now. She also smells and spends too much time on her phone texting gross boys.

Article Six

I just want to say to Stacey who sits next to me during reading time, I think you’re very pretty and nice and I really like you and if you ever want to come to my house for a playdate, you can have your mom call my mom and they can schedule a playdate for you and me.

I think I’m done now. I think the last part of it according to that youtube video is that I have to sign this. I can't do cursive yet so I will just write my name.


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