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Hello, loyal Milking Cat readers. As the more attentive among you may have realized, something’s definitely going on right now. So, we have compiled a list to get you all through the pain and struggle of self-isolation and social distancing and whatever other Gwyneth Paltrow-sounding phrases the government wants us to do.

  • Recreate your favorite TV shows with your family members at home! Game of Thrones, for example!

  • Whip out the ‘ol tuba.

  • Catch up on the Milking Cat articles you may have missed.

  • Spy on your neighbor through the blinds-- see what they’re up to!

  • Write a manifesto.

  • Learn the guitar solo from Hotel California so you can finally impress your father.

  • Hold your breath until you can hear colors, then just vibe out.

  • Meditate! Usually at least 15 minutes of deep reflection on how awful a person you are will do the trick.

  • Kick something.

  • Finish your earning all of your boy scout merit badges (we recommend starting with fingerprinting and Indian lore).

  • Kick that thing again but harder this time.

  • Want to jam out with your band but your Zoom call is lagging? Figure out how fast everyone’s internet is. That way you can calculate when each of you has to start playing so that the lag ultimately keeps you at the same time! That really puts the conductor in conductoronavirus!

  • Uncover the racist or homophobic tweets of your favorite celebrity!

  • Welcome Jesus into your life.

  • Reach out to ugly people. Now that we are all quarantined it is their time to SHINE!

  • Dig a hole and just keep digging. But do NOT reach China!

  • Learn to cook! Back before UberEats and DoorDash humans had to actually cook for themselves, a skill every person today should learn. Better yet, go a step further and grow scattered berry bushes around the house and scavenge for them as our ancestors once did.

  • Steal.

  • Prepare for an economic and social purge. Buy a stockpile of weapons, train yourself in the art of Kung Fu, and install a house security system composed entirely of Elves on Shelves.

  • Gather the courage to investigate the noises coming from the mysterious room in your house that hasn’t been opened for years.

Though the Coronavirus is hurting everyone around the world, it is the perfect opportunity to take the time to better ourselves. We hope you will check in again here at The Milking Cat for advice after this whole virus thing blows over in our next article: “Post Corona - Dealing With My New 300lb Life.”

Take care and stay inside,

The Milking Cat Editors


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