THE MILKING CAT PLUS
Dan Soslowsky:
From Disney Plus to Apple TV Plus, there are so many new subscription-based streaming services with new exclusive content. To keep up with the ever-changing landscape of media consumption, the Milking Cat Editors have decided to announce their own streaming service: The Milking Cat Plus. The following is a list of new, never-before-seen content that one can expect to see once the media platform is released!
Lactose-Free
Lactose-Free is a Behind-the-Scenes reality TV show about The Milking Cat editors. The series will document the lives of each member of the team and will give “the inside scoop” on the inner workings of the Milking Cat Staff Room. Viewers will learn everything from how Dan Soslowsky and Benji Elkins know nothing about sports but pretend to laugh at Noah Stern’s sports jokes anyway, to how none of the editors can remember what The Milking Cat Facebook password is, to how they could never realistically get Sting to perform a 90-minute guitar solo for The Milking Cat Holiday Song.
How To Draw The Milking Cat
How To Draw The Milking Cat is Dan Soslowsky’s Bob Ross-style art show that teaches the viewer how to draw! With easy step-by-step instructions, viewers will learn how to draw things like the famed Milking Cat mascot and nothing else. Literally no other things, only the cat over and over again. 36 episodes!
Live streaming of Benji Elkins’ and Noah Stern’s fight to the death over the last potato chip.
The Milking Cat Plus will have many live streams, including a live stream of Benji Elkins’ and Noah Stern’s fight to the death over the last potato chip. The battle will be gratuitously bloody and The Milking Cat will never be the same afterward, but man, Benji was really craving chips today.
*This broadcast is recommended for younger viewers*
Drinking Straight From the Carton
Drinking Straight From the Carton is the TV show that comes to YOU! With the press of a button, the Milking Cat editors and staff will come to your house and perform a 17th century Elizabethan play in your living room! But be sure to pay close attention, because Noah Stern has been known to steal precious lamps and vases from the houses that he visits.
Caturday Night Live
It’s like Saturday Night Live but it airs on Caturday nights instead.
A completed version of Noah Stern’s “A Milking Cat Thanksgiving"
Just as my family still hasn’t finished our leftovers from Thanksgiving dinner, Noah Stern still hasn’t finished his Thanksgiving-themed article. Back in November, as a special holiday treat, Stern promised to update his article on the site every day of Thanksgiving week with new additions. However, Stern only updated it twice, and that is why we are making him finally complete it for The Milking Cat Plus. Do your [CENSORED] work, Stern.
Sports
For the sports fans, The Milking Cat Plus is partnered with many prominent sports leagues who are ready to deliver high-quality streams of everyone’s favorite sports! For example, The Milking Cat Plus will provide exclusive broadcasting directly to the International Cricket Council. Tally-ho!
Porn
Yaknow... porn.
The Milking Chef
The Milking Chef is your classic cooking show. Hosted by that food critic guy from Ratatouille whose name I forget, competitors will have to use a limited amount of equipment to cook a dish within a certain timeframe. But here’s the catch: the only ingredient that they can use is milk.
Orr'UrRuuR'R: A Star Wars Story
Once Benji Elkins buys the rights to Lucasfilm all by himself with the money from his own pocket, The Milking Cat will produce a Star Wars spinoff film about Orr'UrRuuR'R. Orr'UrRuuR'R was a Tusken Raider (aka “Sand Person”) who, along with many of his fellow Tusken Raiders, was slaughtered by Anakin Skywalker in Revenge of the Sith. Orr'UrRuuR'R lived a nomadic lifestyle on the desert planet of Tatooine and enjoyed pod racing, and we here at The Milking Cat believe that his story is one that needs to be told. The riveting blockbuster will be three hours and thirty-four minutes long and will star Benedict Cumberbatch as Orr'UrRuuR'R.
We look forward to sharing all of this amazing new content with everyone! The Milking Cat Plus is expected to be released in September of 2035, so be sure to keep an eye out for it in the App Store! Oh, and subscriptions are $26.42 per month.