By Thomas Hunter:
So you wanna get big. Well, you’ve come to the right place. First, you need to get a gym subscription. Just go ahead and get a 10-year plan; we’re going to be here awhile. Great, now you have a gym subscription to the gym. You can get to the gym any way you’d like, but you must never drive a Toyota Prius. This car just yells, “this driver is not a muscle head! And does not go to the gym! And they probably eat grass in their free time!” Trust me, I know.
So now you’re at the gym. The first thing I want you to do is to establish dominance. Go grab a weight (the heaviest you can carry over your head) and chuck it across the gym while huffing and grunting. Everyone knows you are the head honcho. They probably thought, “What?! That person is so powerful and cool. I’d like to be friends with them. They look like they’re the head honcho!” Great! Now you have made an impression, you should leave now. I repeat, leave NOW. The weight you tossed at the beginning maimed someone on the treadmill, and the police are on their way.
Pro tip: Working out is only 30% of the total plan. Read further to find out more!
Next, you want to arrange your diet. My personal diet revolves around meat: goat, horse, and salamander. Seriously, stop with the basic stuff — chicken hasn’t been “in” since 2008. Goat, however, makes you the GOAT, which is why I personally eat it every day. I usually start my morning by eating some frozen crickets from my local PetSmart. This is a tasty snack, and after a while, your brain can’t tell the difference between these goodies and your typical fried salamander legs (if you can't resist your fried salamander legs, make sure to check out the baked option)! Next is hydration. Water is for chumps, so I drink solid salt. It makes my mouth water, so I know it’s making me hydrated!
Pro tip: Diet is the hardest part of the journey. Make sure to stay strong as it is worth a whopping 70% of the total plan!
The final step of this endeavor is the Sweat Lodge. I first found out about this while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so you know it’s legit. You wrap yourself up in a plastic wrap and then go into a sweat lodge for about 30 minutes to an hour (for extreme results, 48 hours works best). If you, like me, do not have a Sweat Lodge, you can follow my lead. So when my mom and stepdad leave, I turn the shower all the way up and soak in the steamy wonderland until the water heater empties or until my stepdad returns and threatens to end my allowance.
Pro tip: The Sweat Lodge can bring super incredibly incredible results. In fact, it is over 50% of the whole process!
I hope you have learned a lot, so ta-ta for now, my fellow meatballs.
“Meatty” Matt (1x U12 District 2nd Place San Diego Regionals, 1x Employee of Month Taco Bell (later redacted due to steroid use), 1x Brightest Smile TeeBall 2002)
“Meatty” Matt and The Milking Cat are not responsible for any advice provided.