By Ilah Ross
So, you got dumped. After searching the internet for hours, trying to find an article that can
provide you some solace amidst all the grief you’re experiencing, you’ve come up
empty-handed. But don’t lose hope, because below you will find three foolproof ways to get over a breakup in a productive and healthy way.
1) Set their things on fire.
This feels like a pretty obvious first step. You don’t need reminders of this person
in your life. You don’t need the sweatshirt they left in your living room, or the
fountain pen they lent you on your first date, or the diary they’ve faithfully
journaled in for the past six years that you stole from the third drawer down in
their dresser. And if you don’t need these things anymore, why should they? It’s
time to gather up their belongings and engage in a ritual as tried and true as love
itself: burning that shit. And I don’t mean setting their belongings aflame in a safe
and controlled environment–I’m talking serious explosions. Now, I’m no expert,
but pouring gasoline on their stuff and setting it on fire next to a drought-ridden
forest seems like your best bet here.
2) Go biblical.
Send them threatening voice messages and place your dog’s droppings on their
front doorstep. In that order. At first, these two instructions might seem entirely
unrelated. But let’s go back to our roots, and take a look at Moses. When God
imposed the plagues upon Egypt, Moses didn’t ask: “Why the fuck are you
sending down a frog infestation and then killing all their first born sons? How are
those punishments even peripherally related?” No, Moses did as he was told and
ended up leading his people to freedom, or something like that. I never finished
the book. But regardless, send your ex some ominous messages, and don’t be
afraid to get creative. And right when they least expect it, right when they are
almost too scared to leave their house to go to the dry cleaners, but take a leap of
faith and do it anyway, they will be greeted by your dog’s shit. If you don’t have a
dog, get one.
3) Sell the extra key to their house that you found under their mat.
You might be thinking: Wait a minute...isn’t this a huge invasion of their privacy
and potentially a serious threat to their physical wellbeing? The answer is yes.
And that’s exactly why it’s step three, not step one or two. You’re warmed up at
this point, you’re picking up the pace. You’ve come so far, and now is not the
time to doubt yourself. Trust me, you are ready for this. Now, when deciding who
to sell their key to, you’re going to want to take your time and think long and hard
about the best option. The middle-aged guy at the supermarket who works at the
checkout counter won’t do, he lives with his parents and has no use for this key.
The senile woman who screams at passing cars by the retirement home is
certainly not the best fit; how on earth could she drive to your ex’s house? Her
license was revoked 30 years ago! The best candidate will come to you after much
deliberation, and more often than not, it’s going to be the aggressive homeless
man that hangs out around your local elementary school, carrying his
rabies-ridden chihuahua in one hand and a cigarette in the other. He is the chosen
one. Hand him the key and a little treat for the dog (I mean come on, you’re not
heartless) and he’ll handle the rest.
If you find yourself having been arrested after performing any of these three steps, then you’ve done something right. And as you sit in county jail, waiting for your mom to bail you out, with your eyes watering from the urine odor emanating from the walls, you can be sure of one thing: there’s no way in hell that your breakup is the first thing on your mind right now.