By Julianna Reidell:
Inspired by the Times Chronicle
Moans and gasps of sensual ecstasy were transformed into dry-heaves of boredom at last Thursday’s virtual porn club meeting when the online platform was hacked by a malicious city employee.
“I think this call has been violated,” declared Mr. STUD_MUFFIN, the meeting’s leader and owner of a chain of “Adult World” stores across the state. “Why are plans for the 2020 DCNR Park Rehabilitation and Development Grant showing up on my screen?”
Similar confusion and disgust were echoed by the meeting’s other participants as the erotic images formerly being broadcasted - clips from the infamous 2007 X-rated film “Bimbos Love Books” (considered to be an artistically directed piece for the porn lover of above-average intelligence) - were replaced by graphs relating to budget deficit spending, sewage treatment plans, and lists of garbage collection facilities within the city. Many of the participants, appalled, wiped off their hands and covered their mouths in outrage.
“I feel as though the sense of community and security I had with my fellow admirers of all things kinky has been ripped open, leaving me naked and exposed to the elements, something that usually only happens to me every other Tuesday,” Ms. TOUCH_ME_GOOD, a regular club member and sex toy manufacturer, revealed. “Frankly, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to attend a meeting again without thinking of this incident. It’s disgusting. It’s shaken me in all sorts of places.”
This local chapter of the AAPL (American Association of Pornography Lovers, who claim that the right to become aroused is guaranteed in the United States Constitution) is not the only organization to suffer from such vicious attacks. Security concerns over virtual meetings have risen significantly during the COVID-19 pandemic, as malicious hackers such as librarians, school teachers, and museum employees have been stranded at home with their computers and an intent to cause mischief. Only last week, the Neo-Confederates of Pennsylvania reported being Zoom-bombed by a Shakespearean scholar, who posted lewd images of the First Folio while reciting passages from notoriously improper plays such as Timon of Athens and Henry ⅬⅬⅤⅩⅩⅩⅤⅠⅢⅢⅢⅢⅤ.
“Supposedly there’s FBI guidelines about how to avoid this sort of thing,” said Mr. _MUFFIN in a phone call to reporters afterwards. “But do you trust the government? They’re the ones who still deny that Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton were more than friends! We follow those suggestions, and - BOOM! Next thing you know we’re being shown raunchy pics of federal documents from the National Archives! Nobody wants to look at that, it’s indecent.”
Mr. _MUFFIN declared that this episode would not discourage his club from their enjoyment of all things below the waistline.
“We won’t let announcements about Tire Collection dates, Orphans’ Court sessions, or the sale of hunting, fishing, or boating licenses deter us from our rightful, lawful, legal right to feel - how shall I say it - mad filthy.” he announced determinedly. “They can throw anything from Elected County Legislators to the Tax Claim Bureau at us, but they can’t stop us from trying to do our honest-to-goodness best to enjoy ourselves in the most salacious ways imaginable. Besides, what else are we supposed to do at home? Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. Mr. _MUFFIN knows, baby. He knows.”
*NOTE: This piece was awarded a Silver Medal With Distinction by the Scholastic Art and Writing Awards.