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What I Did The Night Before My AP Chinese Test

By Sarah Parmet

11:28- I keep seeing Chinese characters flash before my eyes when I try to sleep but that’s totally normal....right?

11:30- Okay, that’s definitely not normal. Maybe I should listen to some ASMR.

12:03- Good news is I no longer see Chinese characters flashing before my eyes. Goodnight...

12:20- This is taking too long.

12:30- Why am I still awake? My stomach feels all funny! Why does it feel that way? Am I ok?

Was it lunch? Was it dinner? Was I poisoned? Do I need to throw up like I did before the math


12:31- *Unpleasant flashbacks regarding the math final*

12:32- Oh wait. It’s just my anxiety-related gastrointestinal issues.

12:34- I remember that my Chinese teacher told me if I want a 5, I need to sleep early.

12:36- I start crying out of frustration because I really want that 5.

12:40- Rereading the last four chapters of “Kpop Confidential” seems like a good idea (don’t

knock it till you try it).

1:10- Ow my scoliosis *proceeds to crack back in a contortion-esque move*.

1:12- I can’t fall asleep. Let’s look up how to fall asleep! Blue light? What blue light?

1:20- Ow my hips *attempts the middle splits*.

1:24- I scroll through Instagram and look at college acceptances that pop up in my feed.

Columbia? Damn, girl!


1:30- I’m feeling lonely and scared. I guess that means I should read an American Girl self help

book that totally isn’t meant for middle schoolers!

1:52- I need to pee.

1:57- I’m still feeling lonely and scared so I’ll read my second American Girl self help book (I’m

needy, ok?).

2:16- I no longer feel lonely and scared. Goodnight. I am now officially asleep.

2:17- I’m asleep I’m asleep I’m asleep I’m asleep

2:18- I cry a little more when I realize I’m not actually asleep.

2:32- I need to pee again.

2:38 am- I proceed to lead myself in a full ballet workout that would make my ex-teacher proud (or not. I think my left foot was sickled). I also did 5 pushups. Correction. Tried to do 5 pushups. My arms collapsed on the fourth.

2:47- My throat feels rather parched (at this point, I was thinking in British). I walk outside to

pour myself a glass of water. I drink said water, then start texting my brother’s ex-girlfriend

(don’t ask).

2:52- This would make a lowkey fire piece for the Milking Cat! (That’s when I started writing


3:04- I’m NEVER going to fall asleep. I am broken. I am flawed. I need to be saved. Woe is

me...*wails in self deprecating teenager*.

6:01- Shit.


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