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When HAL Met Subaru

By Benjamin Epstein

AITA: My (24M) robot neighbor (3M) has fallen in love with my car (11C). This has turned from a mild infatuation, to a full on crush, to what I can best describe as a mixture between Westworld and Romeo and Juliet. I started to get annoyed because he kept showing up on my driveway, and so I told him to stop. He did not stop.

Eventually, I banned him from seeing my car, and I also started to put my car in my garage. These obstacles against the power of his robot lust. He started to sneak into my garage at night, offering her premium gasoline and spark plugs.

I knew that because of the security cameras I put in place.I even put up a bug that would record him, which let me hear the pontification of his many poorly written works of romantic poetry. He said that my car “lights up his circuits'', and “his motherboard computes only for her”.

I’m not even gonna mention the sex, but let me tell you, you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen BDSCM: batteries and discipline, short circuiting and malfunctioning. It was terrible for my health, and for my car's resale value.

I would have called the police, but I’m a fugitive from justice myself. As a result, I had to put matters into my own hand (I only have one hand).

I started putting various traps around my garage, but they did not work. He kept on breaking in. I even threatened him, but he continued on appearing, reading love poems and commenting on how beautiful my car's fender is. Then one day, I found that my car had disappeared. I instantly knew it was my neighbor, and sure enough, I found him.

However, it took me a while to find him…because he wasn’t in his house. No, he was at a wedding venue… getting married… to MY CAR. I only knew because he had posted about it on social media.

Well, that was enough. He was going to steal my car, and my car insurance only covers virgin automobiles. I called a friend who owns a pick up truck and asked to borrow it. He said yes, mostly because I am blackmailing him.

Then, I crashed the wedding. That stupid priest, who was a vending machine by the way, was just about to pronounce them robot and car when I ran the pick up truck right into the venue. I smashed right through the wedding cake (which was just a pile of batteries with frosting on it) and knocked over the arch. A fire burned in my eyes, gut, and blood as I exited the truck. My robot neighbor tried to fight me, but I was no match for him. I got out my big robot catching net and ensnared him. Then I tied my car to the pick up truck, with the robot inside, and drove off, back to my house.

Once I was there, I knew just what to do. I disassembled the robot's body and turned him into a Roomba. Now, all he does is clean my house all day.

The situation seems to be mostly resolved, but yesterday I found my Roomba spending a little too much time near my hairdryer.

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