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5 results found for "dishari"

  • Baddest Bitch of 2020 Completes Her World Tour

    By Dishari Barua: The most notable influencer of 2020, the SARS-CoV2 virus i.e.

  • THE APP: An Ultimate Solution to self-Hatred

    By Dishari Barua: Did you ever listen to the wise, impractical saying “follow your heart” and made what optimists call a brave (read: bad) decision that triggered years of self-hatred?

  • William Shakespeare Rises From Grave to Say, “Actually, Hamlet is Gay”

    By Julianna Reidell (with thanks to Dishari Barua): The residents of Stratford-Upon-Avon woke early last week to a commotion at the local Holy Trinity Church.

  • HAMLEX Commercial

    By Julianna Reidell: *Cue melodramatic music. We open on a bleak Danish day, a foreboding castle looming overhead. Camera pans up to a window, where a young man stands, wearing all black, looking straight into the lens with inhuman sadness. Everything possesses a slightly gritty feel* Inexpressibly soothing and slightly monotonous female voice: Depression. One in every two Scandinavian princes suffers from it. But depression isn’t just about feeling sad. It’s a world-weariness, a heaviness, an inability to change one’s life for the better, an inability to act… *We cut to a white background, emphasizing the man in black clothing, who speaks moodily to the camera. Caption: *Real Danish Royalty. Not Actors* Hamlet: I was commanded to kill my uncle/stepdad by the ghost of my father. Seems simple, right? But day after day, I struggled. I made soliloquies and speeches. I moped. I brooded. I broke up with my girlfriend and told her to go join a convent and/or become a prostitute? I told myself that this indecision was natural. But it wasn’t. (beat) That’s when I realized I had depression. And after my father showed up again to chew me out once I killed my girlfriend’s dad and yelled at my mom about her sex life, I realized I needed to do something about it. *White background fades to a charming landscape - a low wall with a willow tree and river behind it. A madwoman with flowers in her hair tips over and splashes into the river, but the camera is focused still on Hamlet. Hamlet: So I started taking HAMLEX. *he holds up a generic-looking box of medication* Hamlet: And it turned my life around. *Scene montage accompanies Hamlet’s words* Hamlet: I asserted myself… *Scene of Hamlet bellowing “GET THEE TO A NUNNERY!” at a cowering Ophelia, then raging at Queen Gertrude, who wails “Wilt thou murder me? HELP!”* Hamlet: I made connections… *Hamlet, holding a skull, begins talking to it with a wild look in his eyes. Scene switches to: Hamlet, at the final duel, switches swords with Laertes and both begin stabbing madly at each other* Hamlet: And I took charge of my life once again. *Hamlet, in the chaos of the final duel, impales Claudius and tilts the cup of poisoned wine down his throat. Screams rise to a crescendo. All fades back to Hamlet, against the white background* Hamlet: That’s why, if you suffered from the same symptoms I did, you should ask your doctor about HAMLEX. *Scene: Hamlet dying in Horatio’s arms. He feebly pushes the HAMLEX container into his friend’s hands. Hamlet: “You’re gonna need this, pal.”* *Hamlet speaks, voice-over, over a scene of his coffin being escorted towards the Elsinore Graveyard, surrounded by a solemn procession of soldiers* Hamlet: Because it may have been way too late for me… *Hamlet is lowered into his grave. Scene shifts to Horatio, in the same garden with the willow tree and stream, tilting his head back to chug several pills at once, the HAMLEX box discarded at his feet* Hamlet: But it’s not too late for you. *Slow-motion scenes alternate between deaths from Hamlet - Ophelia drifting downstream, King Hamlet being poisoned by Claudius in his orchard, Queen Gertrude collapsing from poisoned wine - and Horatio wandering in a peaceful stupor through the pretty Elsinore grounds. Tiny text slowly rolls up screen to accompany quiet voice-over:* Female narrator (voice over): HAMLEX is an entirely experimental product, untested besides on one dead Danish prince. Several lab mice were known to experience hysterics and suicidal thoughts after taking this product. Side effects may include nausea, headaches, compulsive moodiness, fascination with skulls, a tendency to talk to oneself in iambic pentameter, hemorrhaging, and spontaneous combustion. Death is likely to occur soon after taking this product. Contact your doctor if you experience any of these symptoms to give them time to flee the country. HAMLEX was manufactured by overworked, underpaid employees at BARD Industries who are hoping to obtain a living wage anytime soon. HAMLEX - a choice for you. *Camera focuses one more time on Horatio, eyes bloodshot, swaying, grinning dazedly, slurring slightly:* Horatio: HAMLEX. Because I choose “to be”! *Cut to black. End music.*

  • Debunking Avengers Endgame Fan Theories *SPOILER FREE*

    By Noah Stern: Here at the Milking Cat, we believe it is our duty as the most influential pop culture outlet in the Western Hemisphere to inform our tens of millions of readers about the current social happenings around the globe. The most prominent of which is, of course, the release of the mildly-anticipated, low-budget independent film Avengers: Endgame. (And yes it's spoiler free.) Now, having viewed the movie last night, we believe now is the perfect time to set straight all of the most popular Avengers fan theories and stop the spread of fake news in American society. #1: The Entire Marvel Cinematic Universe was, In fact, a Sprawling Sequel to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off This theory was by far the most popular one we've heard. For months before the movie, we had seen it all over the internet. While we were watching Avengers: Endgame it was all we could think about. Various questions popped into our heads, such as: “When will the Avengers return to Chicago to discover what has become of Dean Rooney?” or “Will Tony Stark be able to trick Thanos into believing he is sick in bed using an elaborate pulley system when in reality he is out trying to save the universe?” and, most importantly, “Will we as an audience ever know what became of Cameron after he destroyed his father’s 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder?”. Unfortunately, after watching the entirety of the movie we can definitively say that the Marvel Cinematic Universe has no connection whatsoever to the world of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Honestly, from a practical perspective we are surprised that more fans didn’t realize that Disney never acquired the rights to the Bueller franchise from Paramount Pictures or that Matthew Broderick has stated several times that he did not like the direction the Russo Brothers were trying to take with his signature character in the first place. #2: The Avengers Will Enlist the help of Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson to Defeat Thanos Another incredibly popular theory, but unfortunately just as untrue. We need you all to trust us here as we paid extremely close attention, but at no point during the entirety of the film did decorated Confederate Lieutenant General Stonewall Jackson either appear or offer the Avengers any strategic assistance. Again, we implore the fans to think logically about this one. First of all, the timetable of this theory is all wrong. Stonewall Jackson died in 1863 from complications of pneumonia just 8 days after having been hit by friendly fire returning to his camp from the battle of Chancellorsville. Avengers: Endgame takes place in the year 2019 To have the famed general appear in present day, especially in space, would require some pretty major suspension of disbelief. And for all the die-hard Stonewall Jackson fans out there, think about this: even if the Avengers were somehow able to find a way for Jackson to appear in 2019, he would be severely disoriented and outmatched. First of all, there are several African-American and Wakandan members of the team in this movie, and we have to assume that there would be a fair bit of tension in that department. Furthermore, Stonewall Jackson would simply not have the military expertise to contend with Thanos and his control of the Infinity Stones. Not to mention, we have a feeling he would not know enough about the advanced technology (Iron Man suits, Thor’s control of thunder, etc.) on his own side to fully be able to put together a coherent combat strategy. Maybe if the Avengers used 1861 Model Springfield Rifles it would be a different story. #3: The Majority of the Movie Takes Place in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam While this theory is a bit less well-known than the other two, it does make quite a bit of sense comparatively. First, most subscribers to this theory would point out that every major Disney movie has taken place somewhere in Vietnam. While after extensive research we can confirm that this is true, we also have to acknowledge the Russo Brothers’ stated desire to go in a different direction for this film, and many thought that direction would be East. Another reason some believe this theory is the fact that in the original Marvel comics, it is revealed that the one language Thanos failed to master is Vietnamese. Strategically, staging the final battle in Ho Chi Minh City would give the Avengers a major tactical advantage, as they would be able to read the street signs and travel around the city much faster than Thanos. Unfortunately, as much as it pains us to say, the events of Avengers: Endgame never occur in the most populous city in Vietnam, Ho Chi Minh. For the purposes of the movie, we can understand this creative choice. For one, Brie Larson had already filmed in Vietnam for Kong: Skull Island and had reportedly angered the locals over a dispute while shopping in a fish market. Subsequently, she has been banned from all Vietnamese airlines and is second only to Lyndon B. Johnson on Vietnam’s “Most Hated Americans” list. In support of their fellow cast member, the actors of Endgame decided to forego the previously mentioned Disney-Vietnam tradition. As you can see, 3 of the most popular Avengers: Endgame fan theories are certifiably false. As much as we at The Milking Cat hate to break this unfortunate news to our readers, we hope that this debunking lets you watch the movie through your own eyes, without the thoughts of thousands of idiots on the internet swaying your judgement. A big thank you to the following Wikipedia pages for allowing us to conduct our invaluable research: “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” “Stonewall Jackson” “Ho Chi Minh City” “Category: Films Shot in Vietnam” “Kong: Skull Island”

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©2018 by The Milking Cat.