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  • ABC Announces Family Feud: Dating Show Edition to Appeal to Southern Market

    By Noa Garmaise: BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - Family Feud: Dating Show Edition, which began filming in early November, is officially confirmed to be on ABC’s game show roster for the new year.

  • Understanding the Creative Process

    Written by Noa Garmaise: So you’re looking to learn about the creative process? My name is Noa, and I’m a five-foot-one sixteen-year old with relatively few valuable notes to share. MY BROTHER Noa, you did a great job today. CLASSMATE #1 (whispered to CLASSMATE #2) Who’s Noa?

  • Best One-Liner Joke Formats

    By Noah Stern: There is quite literally nothing more comedically potent than a good, crisp, witty one-line comeback. With practice, a well-timed one-liner is the equivalent of a Mike Tyson uppercut. Let’s say you’re hanging out with your friends and it somehow comes out that you are unable to tie your shoes. As in, you have your mom pre-tie them and then you just slip in and out of them without undoing the laces. Comedically, your friends are salivating. You are a legal adult and you can’t tie your shoes. And your mom is clearly complicit in this! You are exposed. Your friends could come at this from several angles. But then, right as they begin the onslaught, you turn the tables. If you are able to find the perfect witty comeback, you can use your opponents’ comedic momentum to your advantage. Like Steven Seagal would. The worst host in the history of SNL. You could be him. In all honesty, the following one-liner formats probably won’t help you do that. But they are good for maybe a chuckle or two. I Barely Know Her With this line, you can turn any word ending in “-er” into something vaguely sexual. Observe: Dave: “Hey Chris, did you see they’re making a new Spiderman? Let me show you the trailer.” Chris: “Trailer?! I barely know ‘er!” Explanation: Now, obviously Dave was not asking Chris to actually trail a woman. However, Chris seized the opportunity to pretend like this was the case. And he was so taken aback by Dave’s request that he felt the need to inform Dave that he is not familiar enough with this woman to do so. With this template, you don’t even need to feel like the “-er” word has to make sense in the context of the bit. Observe: Professor Jones: “Erwin Schrödinger was a Nobel Prize-winning Austrian-Irish physicist who developed a number of fundamental results in quantum theory; the Schrödinger equation provides a way to calculate the wave function of a system and how it changes dynamically in time.” Chris: “Schrödinger?! I barely know ‘er!” What’s an ass ___? This line is great to instantly suck the wind out of someone’s sails as they are passing judgement on something. Let’s take a look: Dave: “Bro, you seriously look like a giraffe. Why do you have such a long-ass neck?” Chris: “What’s an ass neck?!” Explanation: As you can see, Dave was trying to use “long ass” as a compound adjective to describe Chris’s neck. But Chris, ever the quick thinker, pretended as if “long” was the adjective Dave used to describe his “ass neck.” Now Dave looks like a fool! There is no such thing as an ass neck, Dave! Another example: Miner #1: Look at this massive cave, I bet there’s a ton of coal down there. Miner #2: Yeah, that’s a big ass hole. Miner #1: What’s an ass hole? Miner #2: ... Miner #1: wait. Responding with an adverb This one is tricky. We can give you the rough outline, but ultimately, most of the execution is really up to you. When someone asks a question along the lines of “how was this done?”, the burden of choosing the perfect adverb is on your shoulders. Dave: How do you think Bear Grylls is gonna get back to his raft without getting bitten by that snake? Chris: Carefully. Explanation: Yes, Chris! He is going to do it carefully! Dave was expecting a serious answer, banking on the assumption that his good buddy Chris would be able to provide some insight on the matter. However, Chris chose the easy way out of Dave’s query, making Dave look like an absolute fiddlestick in the process. And that about covers it! Using these techniques, you should have all you need to obliterate anyone who has the audacity to ask for your opinion on something, make a genuine observation, or even try to have a little fun at your expense. Now please go learn how to tie your shoes. It’s seriously embarrassing.

  • A Milking Cat Thanksgiving II

    By Noah Stern: Ah, Thanksgiving. The one time of the year where families all over the country used to come together to catch up, watch football, and eat some amazing food. For the purposes of this article, let’s pretend like that’s still going to happen this year. Long-time readers may recall a similar Thanksgiving article last year, and we had too many good new ideas to abandon the format. Now, let’s take a look at some of the most interesting family gatherings that will take place this Thursday. The Jackson Family INT. SAMUEL L. JACKSON’S CAR 3:30 PM. The car is on its way to the JACKSON family Thanksgiving. Inside are SAMUEL L., MICHAEL, LAMAR, and RANDY JACKSON LAMAR Sam, do I really have to come to this? I have to play the Steelers in like two days. SAMUEL L. Yes mothaf***a, I told Uncle Andrew that you’d be there! Now when we get there- MICHAEL interrupts the conversation with a “SHAMONE!” SAMUEL L. What is it mothaf***a? MICHAEL Man I just hate Uncle Andrew’s! He always has something really off-putting to say to us. LAMAR Yeah, he makes that lame turkey joke every year! RANDY You think you have it bad dawg? You guys always make me sit next to Stonewall. I have nothing to say to that guy! He’s always muttering to me about how Robert E. Lee bungled Gettysburg. The car pulls up to ANDREW’s house and its passengers approach the front door. SAMUEL L. knocks. ANDREW and STONEWALL answer the door together. ANDREW Hey everyone! Welcome, come in, come in. Samuel, you look great! Michael, I actually just took your baby pictures “Off the Wall,” hope you don’t mind! MICHAEL forces a “Hee-Hee.” ANDREW Lamar, I know you can’t stay long but I just wanted to tell you how happy I was to see you beat the Reds…I mean Washington Football Team! Can’t believe they changed it, doesn’t anyone have any respect for natives anymore? SAMUEL L. and LAMAR look at each other in disbelief. STONEWALL takes RANDY’S coat. He can be heard saying “now the problem with Pickett’s charge…” ANDREW gestures to the table, where there is a picture of Henry Clay next to the turkey. ANDREW Don’t you guys love the turkey at the center of the table? Oh yeah and that cooked bird next to him looks great too! The Jones Family EXT. AT THE JONES FAMILY TURKEY BOWL INDIANA and LESLIE are kicking off to JON and ALEX. JERRY is watching the game from an upper balcony, JAMES EARL and NORAH are sitting on the side. ALEX catches the football and barrels towards INDIANA, screaming “I will not fail you Mr. Trump” But wait, INDIANA has replaced himself with a large Harrison-Ford-shaped rock! ALEX hits it and falls over. JON Come on, Alex! You couldn’t tell it was a rock? ALEX Jon can’t you see? This is one of the deep state’s many tricks. JAMES EARL Jerry, are you sure you can’t find any more relatives to play in this game? JERRY (flipping through records of local prison) Jacobs...Johnson...Ah, Jones! Here we go. NORAH (In C#) Jerry, what are you doing? JERRY What do you mean? This is always how I find players. Back on the field, ALEX and LESLIE are just fully in a fist fight. LESLIE is winning. JON and INDIANA are tossing the pigskin around. JON So yeah I’m pretty sure I’m gonna move up to heavyweight. I think I could beat Stipe or even potentially Ngannou. INDIANA You know, one time I survived a nuclear bomb by locking myself inside a refrigerator. JON Bro what NORAH (In B♭ diminished 7th) I “Don’t Know Why” every Thanksgiving ends this way! (winks at camera)

  • A Collection of Anecdotes From Our Time as Poll Workers

    By Noah Stern & Spencer Armon: This election day, we put our lives and livelihoods on the line and defended the institutions of democracy by answering the call to become a poll worker. That’s right, we each spent 15 hours sitting in a random township building with an all-star team of retirees to make sure you were able to vote and we were able to collect two hundred and thirty dollars. No need to thank us, your tax dollars are in the mail. *Anecdotes 1-3 by Noah Stern, 4-5 by Spencer Armon Anecdote 1: Don't Vote Twice In the training videos sent to us by the Montgomery County Board of Elections, a kind man named Jonathan walked us through the process of interacting with voters and showing them how to use the ballot scanner. The woman sitting on my right at the sign-in table was named Jean. Jean’s claim to fame was that she had apparently watched all six of the videos four times each. This adds up to around 4 hours of total watch time, so, suffice it to say, Jean had some time on her hands. In one video, Jonathan provides an example of something that would cause a ballot to be rejected by the machine: a scenario in which someone votes for two candidates for attorney general. Unfortunately, it seemed as though Jean was unable to extrapolate this hyper-specific scenario to encompass a wider range of voter errors. As such, every time Jean handed a voter their ballot, she told them “make sure you don’t, for instance, vote twice for attorney general, or the machine won’t accept the ballot!” Oh, what a novel and wacky concept, Jean! Jean and I encountered roughly 350 voters that day, and she said this to about all of them. Anecdote 2: Sweater Men These anecdotes have almost nothing to do with each other, but I decided to lump them together because they both involved utterly exasperated men in sweaters. The first man arrived during a lull in attendance, so we were able to pay him a lot of attention. He produced a mail-in ballot and its corresponding secrecy envelope, both dirty and crumpled. Normally, it is a very simple process for a voter to surrender a mail-in ballot and vote in person, so long as they bring the outer envelope with them. Otherwise, the voter must file a provisional ballot, which takes about five times longer than voting normally, and is so much more work for everyone. When we explained this to the man, he was gobsmacked. He revealed to us that he had actually just fished his mail-in ballot out of the trash, and was entirely confident that he would be able to surrender it at the poll. After making a quick phone call home to see if anyone could find his outer envelope in the trash, he came back in with a defeated sigh, sassily proclaiming, “well, I didn’t know there were so many envelopes!” The second sweater man came in later, when the cafeteria was full of people. Keep this fact in mind. He approached the counter and said quietly, “Hi, I used to live in the city but I just moved back in with my parents. Is it possible for you to check if I’m registered at this precinct?” At this point, Jean and I reached a crossroads. First, I will present to you what Jean should have done. She should have said, “no problem, sir,” and calmly scanned the voter registry to see if this man was registered at our precinct. Now let’s walk through what she actually did. Jean, in her infinite subtlety, proceeded to yell across the room at our judge of elections, Matt. “Hey Matt?! This guy just moved back in with his parents, and he wants to know if he’s registered here!” You may recall that the cafeteria was full of people, and might I add that it was almost dead silent. As several heads turned in our direction, you could see the exact moment the man lost his will to live. Thank you once again, Jean. Anecdote 3: The Mask Conspiracy We’ve heard a lot about Jean, but she wasn’t the only old woman sitting next to me at the sign-in table. To my left was a woman named Rita. As poll workers, we were not allowed to express our political opinions at any point during the day. However, I ended up knowing both Jean and Rita’s leanings very early on. Jean was clearly a liberal, who would sneak off to talk to Matt about the concerning number of Trump ballots she saw. As for Rita, I think this anecdote will give a pretty good glimpse into where she falls on the political spectrum: At around 3 pm, almost entirely out of nowhere, Rita turned to me and said “you know, statistics show the masks don’t actually do anything. It’s all just political theater.” Needless to say, this elicited quite a response from Jean and Matt. Jean’s immediate rebuttal was delivered with the cadence of a kindergarten teacher, “Ohhh, that’s so not true.” But Rita had come to play. She hit Jean with irrefutable facts. “Both Georgia and Sweden don’t have a mask mandate and their curves are flat now.” Ah yes, Georgia. That bastion of scientific advancement and public safety. Apparently, Rita’s rock-solid figures were somehow not enough to satisfy Matt, who felt so strongly about the matter that he stopped helping a voter fill out her provisional ballot. He walked over to the table, his tablet chock full of highfalutin graphs and numbers from left-wing fake news organizations like the CDC. Matt accosted her about where she had gotten her information from, and Rita, cool as a cucumber and totally not deflecting, responded with “I don’t know, you’d have to ask my husband. He showed me some articles.” Another liberal owned. Anecdote 4: The Constable Conundrum At a polling location, a Constable is supposed to be the “peace officer.” The Constable at my precinct, apparently forgetting his job description, almost got in a fight after a voter requested that he wear a mask. The Constable angrily responded, “If I wear a mask and you shid or fard on me, I’m still gonna get dis virus so it don’t matter anyway!” He then proceeded to talk shit about this woman to me as she scanned her ballot 3 feet away. Later, the same Constable ranted about the “crazy libs who want to burn the country down,” and claimed that the election would be fraudulent if Joe Biden wins. He increased his volume as he discussed how “them scanners don’t count shit,” at which point the 6 voters in line glanced over with fearful eyes. He then went outside to smoke his 8th cigarette of the day. Anecdote 5: The Savior The judge in charge of my precinct, although an incredibly sweet woman, didn’t know what she was doing. Given that I was the “expert” since I actually watched the training videos, I offered to assist her in readying the machines. I was able to prepare the Ballot Marking Device (or the BMD, as the tech-wizards say) in under 5 minutes given that I simply had to plug it in, open the cabinet, and hit the power button. This feat lead to comments such as “Oh my gosh, you’re our savior!!” and “I don’t know what we’d do without you!” For the next 13 hours, whenever I did anything, I was met with praise. After I told someone they can’t vote for two Presidents or when I ate my lunch somewhat quickly, I was reminded that I was “the savior” of the precinct. Not to brag or anything, but I will likely go down in Election Day lore as “the guy who did his job.”

  • The 2050 AP US History Exam

    By Noah Stern: Passage-Based Response | You will have 20 minutes to read and respond to the following passages. Questions 1-4 are based on the excerpts of a speech given by President Donald Trump on July 14, 2020: “Too hot, but it’s pretty warm. Thank you. So we’ve had a big day in the stock market. Things are coming back and they’re coming back very rapidly. A lot sooner than people thought. People are feeling good about our country...but we’re going to go over quite a bit and maybe at the end, we’ll take some questions if we have time, it’s not too hot. Today, I signed legislation and an executive order to hold China accountable for its oppressive actions against the people of Hong Kong. The Hong Kong Autonomy Act, which I signed this afternoon, passed unanimously through Congress.” 1. Given the opening of this speech, which is the topic Trump considers most important? a. The weather b. The stock market c. The Hong Kong Autonomy Act d. COVID-19 “[Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden] opposed my very strict travel ban on Chinese nationals to stop the spread of the China virus. He was totally against it. Xenophobic, he called me. Xenophobic. A month later, he admitted I was right. We would have had thousands of people additionally die if we let people come in from heavily infected China, but we stopped it. We did a travel ban in January. Nancy Pelosi was dancing in the streets of Chinatown in San Francisco a month later and even later than that and others too.” 2. What strategy does Trump use most effectively to persuade his audience a. Attacking Joe Biden: “A month later, he admitted I was right.” b. Humor: “Nancy Pelosi was dancing in the streets of Chinatown” c. Repetition: “Xenophobic, he called me. Xenophobic.” d. Xenophobia: “the China virus.” “Why are we paying so much more than China? China has 1.4 billion people. We have 325, probably 325 million approximately, nobody can give the exact count. We’re trying to get an exact count, but you have over the years, many illegals who have come into the country. So it depends on how you want to count it. But you could say 325 to 350 million people, as opposed to 1.4 billion people. And the World Trade is terrible, that deal is terrible. The World Health is terrible deal.” 3. Is the World Health terrible deal? a. Yes b. No c. ? d. So is the World Trade “The China deal, they're buying a lot. They are buying a lot, we'll say that. They're buying a lot. A lot of people ask, "How are they doing on the trade deal?" They're buying a lot. So I want to thank everybody, and we'll be having these conferences again. We're going to be signing an immigration act very soon. It's going to be based on merit. It's going to be very strong. We're going to work on DACA, because we want to make people happy.” 4. Based on this closing statement and the previous excerpts, what was this press statement about? a. The Hong Kong Autonomy Act b. The COVID-19 Pandemic c. Joe Biden d. China is buying a lot Questions 5-7 are based on the excerpts of an answer given by former vice president Joe Biden in the 2019 Democratic Primary Debate “[Another thing to help fix the education system is to] make sure that we bring in to the help with the stud—the teachers deal with the problems that come from home. The problems that come from home, we need… We have one school psychologist for every 1,500 kids in America today. It’s crazy. The teachers are required—I’m married to a teacher. My deceased wife is a teacher. They have every problem coming to them.” 5. Based on this response, what question was Biden likely answering? a. What responsibility do you think that Americans need to take to repair the legacy of slavery in our country? b. As the former vice president under Barack Obama, what is something you would do differently in terms of foreign policy if you became president in 2020? c. What’s the deal with the problems that come from home? Give me a crazy stat about it. d. Do you have a type? “It’s not that they don’t want to help. They don’t know what— They don’t know what quite what to do. Play the radio. Make sure the television—excuse me, make sure you have the record player on at night. The phone—make sure the kids hear words. A kid coming from a very poor school—er, a very poor background will hear 4 million words fewer spoken by the time they get there.” 6. Of the technology listed by Biden, which would an American child in 2019 be most likely to use for enrichment? a. Radio b. Television c. Record Player d. Phone “Because here’s the deal. The deal is that we’ve got this a little backwards. And by the way, in Venezuela, we should be allowing people to come here from Venezuela. I know Maduro. I’ve confronted Maduro. ” 7. Based on how he ended this response and the political climate of the time period, how well do you think Biden answered this question? a. Nailed it b. A solid answer c. Left a little to be desired d. Not even close to passable Free Response Short Answer | You will have 10 minutes to analyze the picture and formulate a response to the question Given the above tweet, to what end did the intersection between the COVID-19 pandemic and the Black Lives Matter protests affect the American psyche during and after 2020?

  • BREAKING: The Teacher Can See Your Private Chats on Zoom

    By Noah Stern: Startling news out of Lockwood High School this week: It turns out teachers can read everything that students send over private chat on a Zoom call. This was first discovered in Mr. Gregory’s first period calculus class, when student Tommy Taglione sent a private message to his friend Derek Haskins:“Do u think Mr Gregory’s baby is crying in the background bc he’s hungry or bc his dad teaches calculus?” Before Haskins could respond, Mr. Gregory saw the message and began to reprimand Taglione and explain the importance of calculus. Unfortunately for the student body, the slip-ups did not end there. A particularly bad instance came during Señora García’s 4th period AP Spanish class as everyone shared their first week “about-me” presentations. As Randy Matthews was speaking to the class, Daniel Richardson sent what was supposed to be a private message to fellow classmate Rachel Goldman: “Randy literally just said ‘mi favorito color es mojado.’ How did they let this clown into AP?” Much to Richardson’s surprise, Sra. García instantly read his message and berated him for bullying a fellow classmate when he himself had only just learned the correct pronunciation of empanada. However, García was quick to point out to Matthews that “wet” is not a color. At the time of this story’s release, word of this new development has spread through the whole school and, likely, the whole country. Zoom Video Communications Inc. has received thousands of spiteful emails from students across the nation who have been called out in front of their classmates for inappropriate private chats. Eric Yuan, the CEO of Zoom, has declined to comment.

  • The Milking Cat Exposed: The Hidden Harm and Brutality Inside The Feline Comedy Juggernaut

    By Benji Elkins: *Name of the informant and the informant's personal information have been changed or hidden for privacy reasons.* By Hannah Timbel: I was first contacted by Melissa Levine* through a private email. I had just finished my 5:00 a.m. spin class downtown and began the routine of checking my email. Often in the early hours of the morning, the emails merely consist of spam, advertisements, and Facebook notifications alerting me of my high school bully’s birthday. Of course however, that all changed upon seeing an email sent from mlevine@themilkingcat.com with an attention grabbing subject line – ‘Help.’ For a second, stuck in the process of archiving and trashing early morning emails, I almost marked the message as spam. I wasn’t sure if I could trust it. Over the past five years, The Milking Cat has become known worldwide for its marketing stunts and tricks such as its hacking of the 2022 Super Bowl Halftime Show, sponsorship messages at the end of both candidates’ campaign ads in the 2024 election, and its petition to rename Mt. Everest “Mountain Everest.” As head investigative journalist at Centennial, I often get emails from similar sized corporations (Exxon, Goldman Sachs, Nestlē) whether they be requests for added publicity, competitor infiltration, or orders to cease and desist. However, I have never received an email as bare and straight forward as the one I received from Levine. Melissa Levine (mlevine@themilkingcat.com) Subject Line: Help. Hannah, I need you. Please, help me. You’re the only one. Call me, ***-***-8369. M. There wasn’t a punchline at the end. The Milking Cat always ended its emails with a “hilarious” punchline. I knew something was either seriously wrong, or The Milking Cat changed its company policy. Using context from the tone of the email, I settled on the first. I waited until 9:00 a.m. to call Melissa, formulating hypotheses and theories as to what exactly I was to help her with. I figured it was possible she had heard of my recent apartment renovation and wanted a referral on a decent interior designer. Or, much worse, she needed my help with her own life. When she picked up the phone, her voice was raw and throaty. I could tell she had been crying. I decided she most likely did not need an interior designer recommendation. As mentioned before, she explained to me that her name was Melissa Levine, a Junior at ****** County High School and a Columnist at The Milking Cat. For a second, despite the fear and pain in her voice, I became jealous. I had always wanted to be a Milking Cat Columnist. What aspiring writer didn’t? However, as she began to talk, my jealousy dwindled and my sympathy rose. She needed to tell her story, ASAP. We agreed to meet 40 minutes outside my city in an undisclosed coffee shop. She was friends with the owner, she said, and could get us time to talk while the shop was closed. We met the next day. In all my years of investigative journalism, (“Surf’s Down: The Aggro Prevalent in SoCal’s Beaches,” “Santa Claws: The Reason Bears Don’t Celebrate Christmas,” “Canadians; Just Americans but North,” to name a few) I have never felt so much responsibility to tell a story exactly as I heard it. No embellishments, no lies, nothing. So, without further ado, here is Melissa’s story: 11:17 P.M. – Undisclosed Coffee Shop. Melissa Levine: Thanks for meeting me at the Starbucks on the corner of West Houston Street and West Broadway in New York, New York. Hannah Timbell: Of course. Now, please, tell me what’s on your mind. ML: Everytime people think of The Milking Cat, it’s always the same things. “What the hell is a ‘milking cat?” or “Oh, that site is an absolute superpower in the teen writing/art industry!” It drives me nuts. People don’t realize the truth. HT: What is the truth Melissa? ML: The truth? It’s horrible. It’s so horrible and I can’t stand it. HT: Take your time. ML: Let me start from the beginning. I joined The Milking Cat in my sophomore year of high school. I was so excited! I mean, everyone who gets a spot on staff is excited at the start. You tell your friends and family, expect a little jealousy, go out for a nice dinner to celebrate. It was one of the greatest days of my life. And just like that, the next day, I woke up with this greater understanding of the world. A greater sense of purpose. I was in The Milking Cat Staff WhatsApp group chat. I had made it. But instantly things started feeling...off. Benji, Dan, and Noah, the editors, they just kept spamming the group chat, saying stuff like, “We just made a ton of money off the site!” “We just met this famous person!” “We just got another celebrity shout-out!” and all I could think of was that by “we,” they meant “them.” No staff members make money from The Milking Cat. No staff members get to meet famous people. In fact, when you think of The Milking Cat, do you think of the staff? Do you think of Melissa Levine, my colleague Sam Riko, or my friend Rachelle Brooks? You don’t. That’s the first thing I realized when joining the site. Look, I mean, I don’t care about fame. I don’t, really. But all they would do was show off. So when I asked Dan privately if there would be any opportunities for us, Dan said, “When you become as cool as me you can join us. Meanwhile keep working on it, kid.” I was taken aback. It was then I learned that in The Milking Cat, you had to hold your tongue. Those who spoke out were ridiculed. When Noah Stern bestowed nicknames on the recent inductees during a staff meeting, I expected something fun and witty. One of the new staff members who had recently criticized the site received the bare nickname, “F*cking Idiot.” It wasn’t even funny, just plain mean! My nickname was simply the lone word “Ugly.” It hurt for someone who has struggled with body issues like myself. When my friend Sam Riko complained and said that they had crossed the line, Noah responded it was only a joke and gave Sam the nickname “Bitch Boy.” We were forced to call each other by our nicknames during our mandatory monthly meetings. I had to call a colleague who suffered from Chron’s disease “Diarrhea Man.” As my time as a Columnist went on, the repressive nature of the site became more and more apparent. Deadlines became stricter, workload increased, and any attempt to let the editors know I was just a little too swamped with responsibilities between the site, school, and family was ignored. When I let Editor-in-Chief Benji Elkins know I wouldn't be able to finish my article because of the slow and painful death of my father, he simply responded, “Just bring your computer to the funeral lmao.” My aunts and uncles looked at me with disgust as I typed away at a half-funny piece while the pastor read my dad’s eulogy. I simply had to bring the computer, I was too scared at what would happen if I didn’t. When Benji found out that I followed the orders he himself gave me, he reportedly laughed and said “Damn. Guess we gotta change her nickname to Party Pooper. She definitely ruined the vibe of that funeral.” HT: Jesus, Melissa. That’s awful. I’m so sorry. ML: Hannah. I’ve been reading your work for so long. Your exposé on the lack of anesthetics for the animals in Build-a-Bear Workshop rocked my world. You’re the only one I trust with this story. HT: Of course, Melissa. You have my word. The abuse Melissa detailed to me over the 3 hour-long conversation left me silent. It was an awful story, filled with awful characters. In the end, who will know if The Milking Cat will be held accountable for their crimes against their staffers. Often, in the realm of comedy, too much is excused under the pretense of a “joke.” I would like to believe that The Milking Cat is a more moral company, run by more moral people rather than people who write off their misdeeds as “trying to be funny.” Unfortunately, after hearing the story detailed to me by Ms. Levine, I sincerely doubt it. I would think it a miracle if The Milking Cat took responsibility as it should. Instead, I believe it is much more likely they will completely dismiss it. Ms. Levine speculated they may even publish this exposé verbatim on their own site, under the “Explore” section, framing it as their own humorous piece. It is a shame what the corporate world has come to. Hannah Timbel, May 18th, Centennial

  • Peloton Class

    By Noah Stern: The following transcript was taken from a Peloton cycling class on August 21st, 2020. All classes are recorded for quality assurance purposes. Fade in, male instructor on bike. He is wearing a lime green Peloton branded tank top, black cycling shorts, and a hairband Instructor: What’s up Peloton, I’m Matt Negreanu and welcome to my 30 minute 2004 ride! Every song today will be from the top charts of the year 2004! First off, let’s take a look at the screen, there are three numbers here to guide you on your path to glory. On the left is your cadence, or leg speed. On the right is your resistance, which is controlled by that red knob. Turn it to the right to make your ride harder or turn it to the left if you’re a bitch. In the center is your output, which controls your place on the leaderboard. If you want to compare yourself to the 20,000 strangers who have already completed this ride, feel free. Just know that you will never get ahead of @bikewithjennifer, a 47 year old mother of three from Portland, Oregon. “Yeah!” by Usher featuring Lil John begins to play. Matt: Oh I absolutely love this track! I remember this song was playing in the car the day I drove my wife to the hospital to have our first daughter. A few years later, I found out she wasn’t mine, but hey, what can you do? Alright let’s start our warmup! Matt does not begin to pedal, he just boogies to the music while sitting on the bike. When the chorus starts, he belts out “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” but as the verse starts he awkwardly mumbles the first few words then fades out completely into a milly rock dance move. Matt: Alright guys, that’s the end of the warmup. We are now getting into our first climb of the day. Crank that resistance up to a minimum of 45 and let’s come up out of our seats at a cadence of 60 to 75. “Hey Ya!” by OutKast begins to play. Matt: Ugh, I so heavily dig this track! Did you know Ronald Reagan died in 2004? Push it here guys! Once again Matt does not pedal along with the class. He produces a medium-sized bean burrito and starts to eat it while shouting encouraging things at the screen. At this point the class output numbers take a noticeable dip as many people are confused about if they should still be pedaling or not. “Hey Ya!” fades and is replaced by “Rock Your Body.” Matt, who has fully unclipped his shoes from the bike and is now sitting on a chair to the side: Oh man this song is great! The first time I heard it was during the Super Bowl. It was Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson and they were dancing really sensually. I always found it weird because Janet was wearing this really elaborate leather get-up and Justin was wearing a shitty t-shirt and loose khakis. Anyways, so they’re singing and dancing and the song starts to end and Justin goes up to Janet and he pulls… Matt is interrupted by Peloton trainer Alex Toussant yelling at him. Alex: Who the hell are you?! What are you doing in my studio?! Here, the video feed is cut off, but “Rock Your Body” can still be heard playing over a blank screen.

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