By Dan Soslowsky:
At the Planters Peanuts headquarters…
PLANTERS EMPLOYEE
“Ok, Mr. CEO of Planters Peanuts, I’ve got a pitch for you.”
PLANTERS CEO
“Shoot.”
EMPLOYEE
“Ok, so you know how we sell peanuts?”
CEO
“Yeah.”
EMPLOYEE
“Well I was thinking to myself: how could we sell more peanuts?”
CEO
“Excellent thought!”
EMPLOYEE
“The peanut industry is changing and we need to sell more peanuts despite how we’re like the only notable peanut company.”
CEO
“You’re right. We need to keep up with the competitors that we don’t have. Let’s hear that pitch.”
EMPLOYEE
“So you know how we have Mr. Peanut?”
CEO
“Oh yes, I love Mr. Peanut. He has represented our company for over one hundred years and has become one of the most iconic mascots in history! Our company is booming in the legume industry and we have Mr. Peanut to thank for that.”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah so in our newest commercial, he’s gonna die.”
CEO
“Mr. Peanut’s gonna die?!”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah we’re going to kill him.”
CEO
“That's horrible! How does he die?”
EMPLOYEE
“Well, you know how he has the Nut-mobile?”
CEO
“No, but I’ll go along with it.”
EMPLOYEE
“So Mr. Peanut’s driving in the Nut-mobile with whatever two actors are willing to do this commercial and they’re singing along to that song ‘I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight.’”
CEO
“Oh I love that song!”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah well not only is it dramatic foreshadowing, but it’s also distracting them from driving.”
CEO
“Oh.”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah, because there’s this armadillo in the middle of the road so Mr. Peanut has to swerve out of the way to avoid hitting it.”
CEO
“That’s very good of him to do.”
EMPLOYEE
“And then in the next shot, Mr. Peanut and the two actors are jumping out of the back of the Nut-mobile for some reason, and then they fall off a cliff.”
CEO
“Oh no! Is that how he dies?”
EMPLOYEE
“No, because luckily they all grab onto the same branch that’s coming out from the middle of the cliff. And the branch starts to break.”
CEO
“So the branch breaks and they die?”
EMPLOYEE
“No, he doesn’t die quite yet. The actors agree that they’re too heavy for the branch to support them, when all of a sudden, Mr. Peanut tips his hat, lets go of the branch, and falls to his death.”
CEO
“Wow, I’m speechless. Mr. Peanut died to save his dear friends whom he had not interacted with at all before this commercial.”
EMPLOYEE
“And then the Nut-mobile explodes to prove the whole thing.”
CEO
“So what happens to those two guys on the branch?”
EMPLOYEE
“Oh well they’re just kinda stranded there.”
CEO
“Oh okay.”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah so anyway, then we’re gonna release another commercial where Mr. Peanut comes back to life.”
CEO
“He comes back to life?! That’s incredible!”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah because you know what people love?”
CEO
“Jesus-style resurrections?”
EMPLOYEE
“Babies.”
CEO
“Babies? What does that have to do with Mr. Peanut’s death?”
EMPLOYEE
“Baby Groot, Baby Yoda... people love babies!”
CEO
“You’ve got a point.”
EMPLOYEE
“So we’re going to have another commercial where he comes back to life as Baby Nut.”
CEO
“That’s incredible!”
EMPLOYEE
“Yup, and his cuteness is going to attract a whole new audience.”
CEO
“Alright, but how do we make sure that people think he’s really cute?”
EMPLOYEE
“Well first of all, his character design is gonna be compressed a whole lot to make him look like a baby to the extent that he’s not even really the shape of a peanut anymore.”
CEO
“Makes sense.”
EMPLOYEE
“And we’re gonna give him HUGE eyes.”
CEO
“So his monocle grows too then to match the eyes?”
EMPLOYEE
“Oh, he doesn’t have the monocle anymore. In fact, at the end of the commercial, he’s going to ask where it is and it’ll be all sentimental and stuff.”
CEO
“The baby can talk?”
EMPLOYEE
“Oh yes, he’s got the voice of a grown man.”
CEO
“Oh! I have an idea! Before he says that, he should make dolphin noises!”
EMPLOYEE
“What?”
CEO
“Yaknow, like a dolphin!”
EMPLOYEE
“I don’t really see what that has to do with th—“
CEO
“So he makes the dolphin noises and then he’s like ‘Just kidding!’”
EMPLOYEE
“Is that supposed to be funny?”
CEO
“I don’t know.”
EMPLOYEE
“Okay.”
CEO
“Well anyway, aren’t all of these commercials going to be expensive? Maybe we could partner them with other similar companies so they can help pay for some of it.”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah I was thinking we could get that fruit punch company in on it. And the cleaning supplies company.”
CEO
“What do they have anything to do with it?”
EMPLOYEE
“Well, the mascots are friends.”
CEO
“The mascots are friends?”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah, the mascots are friends.”
CEO
“Well alright then. So how does Baby Nut come back to life anyway?”
EMPLOYEE
“Well, all of Mr. Peanut’s friends are at the funeral, including those two actors from before.”
CEO
“Oh, they got out from that cliff somehow?”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah, I don’t know how but they did it, I guess.”
CEO
“Awesome.”
EMPLOYEE
“And then the Kool-Aid Man is going to shed a tear that falls onto where Mr. Peanut was buried.”
CEO
“Oh, what a sad scene.”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah, but then a bunch of plants are gonna grow out from the grave because plants only need a single drop of any liquid to make them grow. And then from inside the plants emerges the new Baby Nut.”
CEO
“Wait so the Kool-Aid Man cried tears of Kool-Aid and that’s what brought Mr. Peanut back to life?”
EMPLOYEE
”Yeah.”
CEO
“So we’re suggesting that fruit punch has the ability to bring people back from the dead?”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah.”
CEO
“Dope.”
EMPLOYEE
“And we can sell shirts and hats and stuff that all have Baby Nut on them. We can set up a whole line of apparel! If there’s one thing that people love more than babies, it’s wearing clothes!“
CEO
“Oh great, now our income doesn’t have to rely on those stupid peanuts.”
EMPLOYEE
“Yeah, I never really thought peanuts represented our company, Planters Peanuts, anyway.”