By Asher Hancock:
Int. Sportscaster Room
The scene opens up to two “millennials”, WOKE and JABRONI, at the news desk facing the camera. They are staring at their phones with their airpods in watching the WORLD
GAMEPIGEON CUP PONG CHAMPIONSHIPS, as a live feed of it is presented to viewers.
Woke looks up at camera, Jabroni makes no acknowledgement.
WOKE
(to camera)
Waddup its ya boi Woke McGnar, I’m here with Jabroni Galapagos.
JABRONI throws up deuces while still looking at his phone.
JABRONI
(deadpan)
Deuces.
CLOSE SHOT OF WOKE
WOKE
Welcome back to Channel 6’s Ne-
SUDDEN JARRING PAN TO JABRONI
JABRONI
(cutting off Woke, still looking at phone)
Merch link in bio, don’t forgot to hit that subscribe button.
PAN BACK TO CLOSE SHOT OF WOKE
Woke continues.
WOKE
Live coverage of the World Game Pigeon Championships. Often referred to as the “Mo Bamba” of sporting events. As we speak young Timothy and Jeremy face off in the Cup Pong finals and shockingly are playing FROM THE SAME EXACT CLASSROOM! We go to our favorite field reporter Cliff “Shred it” Jefferson who is on the scene with more.
SCREEN CUTS TO CLIFF
INT. Classroom Hallway
CLIFF sits on the floor next to cameraman, PABLO, playing nintendo switch, looks up and sees that camera on the floor is rolling. He immediately throws switch out of shot, pics up the mic, and stands up, leaving Pablo sitting on the floor looking stupid.
CLIFF
Pablo get back behind the camera!
Pablo scurries out of shot.
SHOT SUDDENLY RISES AS CAMERA IS LIFTED OFF OF GROUND
CLIFF I’m here at Davenport High School, shredding it as always, outside the classroom of a certain Ms. Pritchett. Yes, she is single. Go onto www.channel6.comm/girlpower and take the survey for the opportunity to win one casual apartment visit to watch bird box with Ms. Pritchett. Link in bio.
SHOTS PANS TO WEIRD ANGLE THROUGH CLASSROOM DOOR WINDOW PANE
TIMOTHY and JEREMY are visible on their phones on opposite sides of the classroom as MS. PRITCHETT teaches a full attentive class.
Cliff narrates as a feed of their text conversation appears in the corner of the screen containing messages of trash talk prior to the match.
CLIFF
These boys have already played two great games, each taking one, making this the deciding match as to who gets the Gamepigeon gold. I hear their medals this year are being called “The Sicko Mode” of professional sports merits. Timothy is an up and coming gamer in the e-sports world and is projected to be one of the top e-athletes in the world by the age of 20 which is roughly 1 year before his projected age of retirement. He is favored to win this bout. Jeremy is the underdog, coming from a background as a “traditional athlete” whatever that means. He apparently plays real soccer which I’m being told is like Fifa but you are actually in the game and you can only be one player. Sounds kinda lame if I’m being completely honest. I once tried this thing called going for a run and I was like really confused as to why there was no controller and I didn’t know what to do with my thumbs. Myself along with viewers around the world are shocked that Timothy has made it this far considering his lack of experience and he has even been quoted as saying he does not know what Fortnite is.
Cliff pauses and shakes his head in sorrow.
CLIFF (CONT’D)
I need a moment to process all this ridiculousness coming at me through the teleprompter so we are going to do a full send to commercial.
CUT TO: LYRICA COMMERCIAL
CUT TO: PILLOW PETS COMMERCIAL
CUT TO: GAMEFLY COMMERCIAL
CUT BACK TO WOKE AND JABRONI AT DESK
INT. SPORTSCASTER ROOM
Woke is in the same starting position as before while Jabroni has fallen asleep.
WOKE
Hello viewers, Woke here. We are back just in time for the play by play of the final round. I am sorry to inform you that Cliff’s nintendo switch broke causing him to wander off and get run over by an e-scooter so he is at the hospital in recovery. We hope that he can still keep shredding it without his left foot. As for Jabroni, he just “popped a Xan” so it is unclear when he will wake up. Pablo will continue to bring us on the scene footage as I try and articulate the madness that is unfolding.
CUT BACK TO THROUGH THE DOOR SHOT OF TIMOTHY AND JEREMY WITH LIVE FEED OF TEXT CONVERSATION IN CORNER
INT. CLASSROOM HALLWAY/CLASSROOM
Woke narrates.
WOKE
Jeremy is about to take the first turn of the final round meaning that Timothy has just sent the message saying “Let’s play Cup Pong”
SHOT OF IPHONE, BLUE MESSAGE APPEARS ON FEED SAYING “LET’S PLAY CUP PONG.”
WHITE MESSAGE RESPONDS ALMOST IMMEDIATELY SAYING “YOUR TURN.”
WOKE
And we are off! A quick response by Jeremy let’s see the damage he has done.
FEED ENLARGES TO FIT SCREEN
The footage of Jeremy’s turn plays: Jeremy makes two shots in the back row and then “balls back” appears in the center of the screen before he makes two more shots and “balls back” appears again, and finally he misses twice
FEED SHRINKS TO CORNER AGAIN WITH FULL CLASSROOM SHOT BEING FRONT AND CENTER
SLOW ZOOM ON JEREMY AS HE SMIRKS AND MOUTHS “BALLS BACK” AT CAMERA
PAN TO TIMOTHY WATCHING THE TURN AND SHEDDING A SINGULAR TEAR
ZOOM OUT TO FULL CLASSROOM VIEW ONCE AGAIN
WOKE (V.O)
Wow things are intensifying fast. I have never seen a rivalry like this before. You can almost feel the animosity in the way Jeremy lands each ball in the back row of cups one by one. “Balls back” is the name of the game and Timothy needs at least one of those to stay in the game.
Timothy is seen recklessly swiping at phone screen while Jeremy has apparently become distracted by a fidget toy.
BLUE MESSAGE IS SENT ON SCREEN SAYING “YOUR TURN.”
CUT TO: WOKE
WOKE
Uh oh! I’m scared to watch.
CUT TO: FEED OF GAMEPIGEON GAME
Timothy’s turn plays on the feed: Timothy misses the first shot then barely makes the second one in the back corner.
FEED SHRINKS TO CORNER ONCE AGAIN
SLOW ZOOM ON TIMOTHY WHO IS OPENLY WEEPING
PAN TO JEREMY WATCHING A TWITCH FORTNITE STREAM
Jeremy receives notification and picks up phone, watches turn and begins openly weeping tears of pure JOY!
ZOOMS BACK OUT AND BOTH BOYS CAN BE SEEN WEEPING
WOKE (V.O)
I am afraid that this is the end for our friend, Tim. Nobody has ever come back from this great of a margin in the two year history of Game Pigeon. 6 easy cups left for Jeremy to take the title.
Jeremy is seen pulling himself together and then nonchalantly swiping at phone screen
White message appears on feed saying “Your turn”
FEED ENLARGES TO FIT SCREEN ONCE AGAIN
Feed plays of turn, as Jeremy first makes one in the front row and one in the back row, then receives “Balls back” message
WOKE (V.O)
Balls back.
Jeremy makes another and then another, and receives “Balls back” message once again.
WOKE (V.O)
Balls Back!!
Jeremy makes one more and then misses leaving one singular cup.
FEED SHRINKS TO CORNER ONCE AGAIN ZOOM ON JEREMY WHO CAN BE SEEN THROUGH THE WINDOW, HE STANDS UP ON HIS DESK AND RIPS HIS SHIRT OFF
JEREMY
(YELLING)
Baaaalls Baaack!!!!!!!!
MEGA-QUICK PAN TO TIMOTHY IN THE FETAL POSITION UNDER HIS DESK APPARENTLY SAYING THE WORD “MOMMY” OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHICH IS ESPECIALLY CONFUSING CONSIDERING HE HAS TWO DADS
MEGA-MEGA-QUICK PAN TO MS. PRITCHETT TEACHING THE CLASS AS IF NOTHING IS GOING ON
MEGA-MEGA-MEGA-QUICK PAN TO PABLO WHO HAS TURNED THE CAMERA AROUND TO FACE HIMSELF
PABLO
I’m going in.
CAMERA TURNS BACK AROUND TO FACE CLASSROOM
Pablo is seen coming out from behind the camera and entering classroom. He crouches next to Timothy and whispers something in his ear. He scurries back out of classroom and behind the camera before anyone notices.
Timothy can be seen pulling himself together and returning to his seat where he takes a deep breath, smiles, and picks up his phone.
Jeremy is now running laps around the room singing the Canadian national anthem and getting high fives from as many of his peers as possible.
WOKE
I’m not sure as to what is happening right now but in all the chaos I would like to report that Jabroni has woken up.
CUT BACK TO JABRONI AND WOKE AT NEWS DESK
INT. SPORTSCASTER ROOM
Jabroni is seen lifting his head, looking around in confusion and then falling back to sleep and out of his chair completely
WOKE
Nevermind, let’s get back to Timothy’s desperate attempt for redemption.
IPHONE FEED RETURNS TO SCREEN WITH A BLUE MESSAGE APPEARING SAYING “YOUR TURN”.
FEED ENLARGES AND FILLS SCREEN ONCE AGAIN
Timothy gets every single ball in, getting four “balls back”s in a row before making the final cup in.
FEED SHRINKS TO CORNER
CUT TO: WOKE
WOKE RIPS OUT HIS HAIR AND LIGHTS HIS CLOTHES ON FIRE IN JOY
WOKE
BALLS BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke faints and falls out of shot - the flames from his clothes can just barely be seen in frame.
CUT BACK TO SHOT THROUGH THE DOOR OF CLASSROOM
INT. HALLWAY/CLASSROOM
A “YOU LOST” TEXT APPEARS ON JEREMY’S CELL PHONE
Jeremy proceeds to smash through the second story window and falls into bushes below. He can then be seen just running off into the distance, evidently, now, nude.
Everyone in the classroom begins bowing to Timothy as he gets up and begins to start teaching the class. Ms. Pritchett goes into a state of shock and becomes unresponsive.
Pablo can be heard CRYING in the background
CUTS TO EMPTY NEWS DESK
INT. SPORTSCASTER ROOM
Empty news desk is shown for six minutes and twenty three seconds
Both reporters are still unconscious on the floor behind the desk
A voice from offscreen can be heard.
VOICE (O.S)
Have we hit the 10 minute mark yet?
CUT TO SCREEN WITH THE WORDS “TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES”
CUT TO BLACK
THE END