By Sarah Parmet
Rubber Bands “Double (B)andy”
Product description: These deadly elastics may be small, but they are quite the force to be reckoned with! Made of smooth elastic, these rubber specimens can rotate and fly through the air at speeds of up to 100 miles an hour.
Method of use: Slingshot — A long distance weapon that will catch the enemy by surprise! Make sure the band is secured tightly around your finger before aiming it at the desired target. Failing to do so will result in injury and possible death. Don’t want to get your hands dirty? Tongue activation works just fine! To launch the Double (B)andy with maximum force, bite quickly into something crunchy like a Lays potato chip or cafeteria chicken tender.
Bonus tip: Maximum sting factor areas include eye, neck, and our favorite, the groin. Improve your accuracy by using a universally disliked teacher for target practice during class.
Invisalign “Captain Invisible”
Product description: A lesson in the art of deception. Complementary upper and lower sets made of clear plastic, perfect teeth indents. Handle gently.
Method of use: Place the upper and lower sets on the ground, approximately 1.11 millimeters apart for accuracy. The enemy will trip and fall, hopefully breaking an ankle or two. Given the natural grooves indented in this device, the Captain Invisible is also good for attempts at eye gouging.
Bonus tip: Invisalign works on the go. Caught by surprise? Remove from your mouth on the spot and wield it as a spit-flinging, disease spreading mini-machete.
Braces “MetallaBrace”
Product description: Customizable colors now include Blood Red, Depressed-From-A-Math-Test Blue, and Green With Envy. Twenty eight sharp brackets secured in place with nifty metal wires. Comes with a complimentary set of wax armor for wearer safety.
Method of use: Tear your enemy to shreds with these metal claws! Corners of the brackets are designed to be extra sharp. Secure the corner in a fleshy area of your foe’s body (think an arm), then grate diagonally and upwards to cause maximum bleeding. Feeling frisky? Shake your head vigorously from side to side for high-speed damage.