By Noah Stern:
INT. THE CUOMO HOUSEHOLD QUEENS, NY 1983 - 5:30 PM
ANDREW and CHRIS CUOMO are chasing each other around the house. CHRIS shrieks loudly as they run past their father, MARIO, who is reading a newspaper at the dining room table
(FROM KITCHEN) Boys, per favore, calm-a yourselves down! Dinner is almost ready!
CHRIS bumps into a table, sending his father’s honorary degree from Yeshiva University tumbling onto the floor. The frame shatters.
(THROWING DOWN THE PAPER) Goddammit, boys! Will you please come sit at the [random expletive] table?!
CHRIS AND ANDREW
(TOGETHER, SITTING) Sorry Pop…
Chris, I mean, I’ve come to expect this behavior from you at 13, but Andrew you’re 26 years old.
I’m sorry Pop, I just...I really hate Chris’s dumb face
We all do, son.
CHRIS is visibly upset
But that doesn’t mean you can just go around chasing him like a maledetto bambino. How will you ever succeed me as governor of New York one day?
On the TV, an interview with businessman DONALD TRUMP is displayed
(LOOKING AT TV) What an asshole. I give it two years until that idiot is completely broke and irrelevant.
MARIO and CHRIS grumble in agreement.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - 6:00 PM
(WATCHING THE SAME INTERVIEW) Wowza, that guy is a real knucklehead. Definitely couldn’t handle public office.
REAGAN shuts off the TV and turns to his military advisors, who are sitting on the couch.
Anyways, I wanted to talk to you guys about my idea for shooting space lasers at Russia.
INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING, PRESENT DAY - 5:00 PM
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI
...and I’d like to thank everyone in the medical community for their continuing bravery in this time of crisis.
The Coronavirus task force walks out of the room. DONALD TRUMP sticks out his foot to trip MIKE PENCE and giggles. PENCE trips and stumbles forward awkwardly.
TRUMP and PENCE entering the oval office. TRUMP collapses into his desk chair, exhausted.
On the TV is Cuomo Prime Time, where CHRIS CUOMO is conducting an interview with ANDREW CUOMO. CHRIS is filming from his home, as he was recently diagnosed with coronavirus
*Camera zooms in on TV*
(ON LEFT SIDE OF SCREEN)...and, you know, I just thought you would be doing a better job right now...considering how much faith Pop had in you.
(ON RIGHT SIDE OF SCREEN, PRODUCING A HANDKERCHIEF) Real mature, Christopher. (WIPING TEARS FROM EYES) We are in the midst of a global pandemic, and you choose to distort the memory of our beloved father?
(LOOKING AT CAMERA) For those of you just joining us, I’m your host Chris Cuomo and with me now is deputy governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo.
Very mature, Christopher. Would you actually like to talk about my response to the virus now? Or are we just going to waste your six viewers’ time?
(ANGRY) I will drive to Albany and cough all over your tortellini carbonara, I swear to God.
They begin to yell over each other. Andrew can be heard saying “call Mom” and “left-wing shill.” Chris can be heard saying “nepotism” and “Mom loves me more.”
The camera pans back to TRUMP as ANDREW mumbles “Nice basement, Fredo…” and CHRIS erupts in anger
Those two are crazy... (OPENS TWITTER, DICTATES TWEET) ‘The crazy Cuomos just embarrassed themselves on national TV. Good for them, no one watches fake news CNN. Sad!’
Good one, sir.
Thanks Mike. Anyways, I wanted to talk to you about injecting lysol into peoples’ bloodstreams.