By Daisy Kim
CAUTION: this article is not for the squeamish or weak-gutted. But if you own a dog—or
two—maybe a momentarily squeamish set of intestines will trump waking up to your new, freshly painted Deluxe emulsion walls obliterated with (hold your stomachs) globulous, soupy defecation from your angelic 3-month-old Goldendoodle.
If that didn’t convince you, I don’t know what will.
1. Cheese.
Starting off short and simple. This one’s a classic. How do you know if your little slobbermouth is lactose intolerant? Don’t find out the hard way, that’s for sure.
I’m speaking from experience.
2. A whole, lengthy hot dog sausage.
Do you know how salty that shit is? It will dehydrate that poor dog down to a crumple of tissue paper before he even has the urge to retch. And before you ask how your dog would get his mischievous paws on that thing—trust me, it happens.
Again, speaking from experience. The moment it hits the ground from your slightly unattended barbeque stand, you can bet that little demon will have the whole thing sliding down his gulley, hot and piping,exiting right out his rear end or shooting right out where it entered like a projectile missile. Either way, it’s not good news for you.
3. Squishmallows.
Yeah, I know. Kids love them, they’re cute, squishy, great as makeshift kitchen towels—but have you ever had one explode all over your newly furnished and wrapped living room essentials? Get that little demon’s jaws clamped onto its head and shake it around, then—BOOM! Cotton everywhere! Cotton heaven! Mixed with a little bit of everything you used to sneakily wipe up with that poor squishmallow—orange juice, coffee, baby dribble, broccoli and cheddar soup—and then you find out that the little demon also pissed on it not a while back.
Bonus: you will also witness the transformation of your dog into a cat. By the sheer amount of dry hacking that will follow, you won’t even be surprised at the number of cotton-hairballs he’ll cough up. Have fun with your scavenger hunt.
4. A severed Barbie head.
You heard me right. Especially those old ones with the long blonde hair. Thought he was growing a second tail when he was shitting it out.
5. Your new Airpod Max Pros (or whatever they’re called).
Nothing better than losing an earpiece running around the house when you’re late for work. Even better when you track its location through that modern breakthrough app your tech-savvy daughter downloaded on your phone and find that it’s in the middle of your dog’s abdomen. At least he won’t throw up. Don’t know if you’ll ever feel the same sticking it back in your ear, though.
6. Your daughter’s stale Kinetic Sand from fifth grade.
Whoever said that this thing doesn’t dry up is an absolute cheat. Five years is all it takes for it to dry up into a rock, and somehow, if you let the rascal burrow into the basement’s stash of old toys when you’re not looking, next thing you know, he’s grinning ear to ear like the grinch (quite literally—his mouth will be covered in that lime kinetic sand).
Green eggs and green ham—which do you want? Except this time, it’s green vomit or green shit.
Answer: all of the above.
…And finally,
7. Chocolate.
(Not) free trip to the ER. I warned you.