Hilarities and other Ad Nauseams

By Benji Elkins:


SCENE 1

(There is a small classroom. At the front stand the teacher, Mr. Laufbartnuer. In the back sit Tom and Jerry.)


MR. LAUFBARTNUER

( MR. LAUFBARTNEUR is folding a paper crane in front of TOM and JERRY)

And with one more fold we turn it into a beautiful young bird. However this luscious newborn is not yet a crane, and so we must fold it back one more, to create, the crane.


(MR. LAUFBARTNEUR holds up the paper crane)


MR. LAUFBARTNEUR

And behold, the crane in all its beauty. Lightless, the fowl dominates the room, bringing attention from all. And so the crane flies, and soars, and bests all who look upon it.


(MR. LAUFBARTNEUR kneels down, tears in his eyes)


MR. LAUFBARTNEUR

The crane is the beauty this world has. How a simple tree, its bark, its leaves, can transform to a slim paper, that in turn can become, the crane.


(MR. LAUFBARTNEUR climbs onto his desk)


MR. LAUFBARTNEUR

And the crane knows no boundaries, and no limits. For unlike the human, the crane is free, and so it will be free, forever.


(He jumps off his desk onto another.)


MR. LAUFBARTNEUR

Alright class, read Chapter 5 on British West African Colonialism during the 19th century for homework please.


(The bell RINGS)


TOM

I didn’t know Mr. Laufbartneur was a nut.


JERRY

Really? I’ve been skeptical of his sanity ever since he ranted about the impurities of yellow mustard compared with deli brown.


END SCENE


SCENE 2

(Tom is in his kitchen rummaging through his fridge, on either side of the fridge are drawers. To his left is a toaster oven.)


TOM

Where is the mustard? C’mon…


(The toaster oven beeps - signifying it is finished)


TOM

Oh!


(He looks over at the toaster oven then back to the fridge.)


TOM

Where is the mustard?!


(The toaster oven beeps again)


TOM

C’mon, c’mon, c’mon.


(TOM begins rummaging through his fridge. The beeping grows quicker.)


TOM

Oh come on!


(The beeping heightens, Tom moves to the drawer to his left. Then, the beeping flattens out, letting off a loud beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Finally, Tom pulls out a jar of mustard.)


TOM

Finally!

(He opens up the toaster oven - the beeping stops - and takes out two burnt black slices of bread. TOM’S DAD walks in.)


TOM’S DAD

Phew. What happened here? You burn your toast?


TOM

I couldn’t find the mustard.


TOM'S DAD

You couldn't find the mustard?


TOM

Yeah I didn't want to take open the toaster until I had all the ingredients ready.


TOM’S DAD

So you burnt your toast?


TOM

Yeah.

TOM’S DAD

And again, why didn’t you just take the toast out?


TOM

A matter of principle.


END SCENE


SCENE 3

(Jerry stands in a raining field with his arms straight up. There is thunder and lightning. Then, Jerry’s friend ned walks up in a raincoat - wary of the rain.)


NED

Jerry what are you doing?


JERRY

I’m trying to get struck by lightning.


NED

What, why?


JERRY

What do you mean why? So I can get lucky and win the lottery?


NED

What?


JERRY

The chance of being struck by lightning is one in a million, so if I get struck, I get the luck of being one in a million, then I can carry over those odds to the lottery, and since I’ve already won one in a million odds before, I’ll be able to win. I’ll even give you some of the money in the end.


(Ned walks away.)


END SCENE


SCENE 4

(Tom and Jerry sit in class again. Mr. Laufbartneur stands at the front of the class in an apron.)


MR. LAUFBARTNEUR

Now the trick to great deviled eggs is always the paprika.

(Tom leans over to Jerry.)


TOM

(to Jerry.)

We never even discuss the reading. I mean, this class is a joke.


(Mr. Laufbartneur begins to sprinkle paprika onto his eggs.)


TOM (CONT'D)

I have a 100 and the only test we’ve had is what Mr. Laufbartneur calls the test of life that we endure everyday.


(Mr. Laufbartneur then begins to stir together his egg mixture.)


TOM (CONT'D)

I mean this guy is crazy right? He’s making deviled eggs, this is ridiculous.


JERRY

Shut up! I wanna hear this. I’ve been trying to perfect my deviled eggs for years.


END SCENE

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©2018 by The Milking Cat.