By Benji Elkins:
The James Bond franchise is one of the most popular spy series of all time! Luckily for you, The Milking Cat has recently come into the possession of multiple first draft James Bond movie scripts. Below are some of the deleted scenes that never made it to the premiere.
SCENE 1:
INT. LAIR - NIGHT
BOND carefully scales down the slick pole, sliding down like a fireman, and lands firmly on the cobblestone floor below him. He looks around. He is inside a building styled with a gothic 10th century interior. The walls are made of stone and moss and ivy grow on their sides. Diamond-cut windows filled with stained glass are scattered throughout the wall. Bond walks forward as the camera follows from behind. Soon we hear CHANTING. Bond smiles to himself, he has just realized he has entered the lair of the Evil Society for the Blind.
The Blind Men wear cloaks and each hold some sort of lantern as they chant in unison. At the forefront of the chanting men is a tall man in a black cloak, he is MCWYLER, the villain Bond has been seeking. Suddenly, McWyler stops.
MCWYLER
I sense something. Stop the chanting.
BLIND MAN 1
What is it?
MCWYLER
No idea.
Bond is now in the center of the circle. He begins to make silly faces at the blind men and gives McWyler “bunny ears.” Then Bond steps on a stick, making a loud CRACK!
MCWYLER
Bond! Bond is here! Get him!
BLIND MAN 2
Um... with all due respect sir. I can’t see.
BLIND MAN 1
Yeah me neither.
BLIND MAN 3
I also can’t see.
MCWYLER
Okay! I know you can’t see, I’m blind too.
Meanwhile, Bond is simply watching.
BLIND MAN 1
What do you want us to do?
MCWYLER
Just fan out and get him.
The cloaked men begin to move around the room with their hands outstretched. BLIND MAN 3 walks into the wall. Bond casually takes the vault key he had been looking for and walks out the way he came. The blind men continue to search for Bond.
Commentary - This scene was omitted from the 2012 James Bond film Skyfall. After intense lobbying from the American Association for the Blind, the scene was cut due to its upsetting depiction of the *visually impaired*.
SCENE 2:
INT. BAR - DAY
BOND sits in a bar lounge. Various wooden artisan tables are scattered around the room with rustic chairs partnering them. In the center of the room, a fireplace blazes surrounded by cushions, velvet couches, and chairs. Bond sits in a red velvet chair next to the fireplace, scribbling in his notebook. The WAITER approaches with his drink.
WAITER
Your Martini, sir.
BOND
Thank you.
Bond takes a sip of the Martini then spits it out.
BOND (CONT’D)
Excuse me?! This is STIRRED! Not SHAKEN! I wanted it shaken, not STIRRED!
WAITER Oh, I’m sorry sir, let me fix that for you.
BOND
Do you have any idea who I am? Do you have any idea who I work for, who my boss is?
WAITER
Um, no sir. I do apologize, sir, I can fix it.
BOND
Fix it?!
Bond pulls out his Walther PPK pistol and aims it at the Waiter.
BOND
Does this fix it?! I have a license to kill. Does that mean anything to you?
WAITER
Sir, please.
BOND
Please this!
Bond brutally shoots the Waiter four times.
Commentary - This scene was omitted from the 1969 James Bond Film On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. The producers thought it made Bond look like way too much of a prick. Which is weird because it makes you wonder why they decided casted George Lazenby then.
SCENE 3:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
BOND lay in his bed surrounded by tissues. His nose is extremely RED and his eyes are watery. He GROANS softly and then COUGHS. He picks up a remote control on the night table next to him and turns on the TV. He then proceeds to watch QVC. On the TV, the QVC hostess is demonstrating a new vacuuming product.
BOND
I need one of those.
Bond continues to watch QVC.
Commentary - This scene was omitted from the 2020 James Bond film No Time to Die. The idea behind the scene was it was supposed to be a flashback sequence that would occur when James Bond character “M” asked Bond if he was feeling “any better.” However, the director found this scene rather silly.