By Eli Osei:
1. FADE IN
2. INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY. DAY
We open to a factory constructed solely of cheese. MINDY, the cool (Persian, by breed, Australian, by birth) cat steps out her office. She looks around the factory floor, searching for mice and union leaders – not knowing which she fears more. PING. She looks down at her phone. “Rat Pack strikes local brewery,” reads the Chew York Times article, “Democats once again question President Nyan Cat’s unexplained loyalty to prohibition.” Mindy sighs. She mutters a phrase of resignation. Maybe: ‘LSD, whatchyagonnado?’ or ‘Silly little world, silly little world of mice and men’ or ‘Those three blind kids sure are lucky’. And steps back into her office. We’re definitely in the wrong movie.
CUT TO:
3. INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY. DAY
We're inside the very heart of American life: a dimly lit, sparsely furnished Cheesecake Factory restaurant. The Stallones, exchanging stories about the past few days, walk in for their weekly brunch. SYLVESTER (known also as SLY) leads the group. Across the restaurant stands SMICHAEL, the branch manager. Smichael is thirty-three going on fifty and tries to go about life with a spring in his step, but is forever haunted by memories of losing the 1999 St. Michael’s Middle School Dance-a-thon. Smichael, compartmentalizing his sad thoughts and putting on what his mother used to call “a smiley-wiley” face, stands ready for the Stallones.
SYLVESTER (TO FAMILY)
So then this guy's like "Dude, come on, dude just tell me the truth. You're totally him, dude. We used to work at the Shake Shack together, dude."
Sylvester's children: SISTINE, SAGE, SEARGEOH, SCARLET, and SOPHIA all laugh.
SAGE
And whatya say to him, dad?
SCARLET
What do you think he said, doofus?
SISTINE
He obviously told him that those years in the Shack were home to some of his greatest memories.
SOPHIA
They name a chapel after you and suddenly you can't string together a logical thought?
SISTINE
(In an Italian accent)
I just came-a here to eat the cake.
SYLVESTER
I told him, "listen, 'dude', I've never worked at a 'Smoothie Shack' before. A milk shack? Sure. But we don't talk about that. It was pretty dark man... Udders."
(He shakes)
"But a Smoothie Shack? Who do you think you're talking to? I'm S-"
SMICHAEL
Sly!
SYLVESTER
Smichael!
SMICHAEL
Stimmy, get out here!
CUT TO:
4. INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY KITCHEN. CONTINUOUS
TIMMY, an 18 year-old rising (waiting) star places the $0.50 cherries he bought from his dealer earlier that day atop their signature cherry cheesecake. He turns towards the kitchen door and prepares himself to deal with Smichael. Timmy inhales, Timmy exhales.
TIMMY
I am a strong and independent woman. I am a strong and independent woman. No boundary will stop me. No opportunity will drop me.
(He inhales and then exhales)
I am a strong and independent woman. I will renew my Cosmopolitan subscription. I love this magazine. These affirmations work. These affirmations work. I am a strong and independent woman.
Thinking about how lucky he is to have found a magazine so relatable and an affirmation section so affirming, Timmy walks through the door and into...
5. INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY. CONTINUOUS
SMICHAEL
Stimmy won't you seat Mr. Stallone and his family?
TIMMY
It's Timmy, sir.
SMICHAEL
What I tell you!? What I tell you!? You can be Timmy at home, you can be Timmy on your lunch break, you can even be Timmy at those little comic-con gatherings of yours. But when this man and his family are here, it's Stimmy, Stimmy, Stimmy. You think my parents named me Smichael?
SAGE
Stimmy? I don't get it.
SOPHIA
It was a campaign lie and a twitter myth. No one did.
STIMMY
Why don't we get you folks seated?
SYLVESTER
How much is a table?
STIMMY
Excuse me?
SYLVESTER
The tables, do you, uh, charge
extra for them?
STIMMY
Oh, oh well I don't know. It's
probably a flat rate.
SYLVESTER
Of?
STIMMY
Five, maybe ten dollars? Say but Mr.
Stallone, aren't you r-
SYLVESTER
We'll be standing.
SAGE
Dad!
SYLVESTER
What are today's specials?
STIMMY
Specials by price or quality?
SYLVESTER
What do you think?
STIMMY
Well, our eco-cakes are on offer
today. We've got the Kermit
Cupcake, the Green Granadilla
Gelight, and the "I Just Won The
Lottery, Where's My Money?" combo
deal.
SYLVESTER
(confused)
Um, alright? And what exactly makes these eco? 'Eco-cakes, you said? Ec-
STIMMY
En-vi-ron-men-tal. Environmental
cakes. Eco-cakes. Pretty self-
explanatory, man.
SYLVESTER
Okay and what exactly makes them
environmental cakes?
STIMMY
They're all green.
SAGE
He means environmentally friendly, dad.
STIMMY
No, they're all green. Green as in green the colour. It's about solidarity. We stand with mother nature.
SMICHAEL (OFF SCREEN)
Attaboy! Now bring it home.
STIMMY
And for just $14.99 you could too. Forget the green squares on instagram and the #this and #that. Real change starts with food.
SYLVESTER
$15?
STIMMY
Fourteen-ninety-nine.
SYLVESTER
Well I ought to-
SPAM and SSAM, formerly known as... you get the bit, have been listening from across the room. Spam, is a twenty-five-year-old self-proclaimed 'film connoisseur'. Ssam is the twenty-six-year-old who famously said "television is the new graphic novel, or maybe novel, or maybe it's podcasts are the new graphic novel, or cartoon, are those the same thing? Movies are the new spaper, I mean newspaper, the new newspaper." Now, Spam and Sam have reached Stimmy and the Stallones. They insert themselves into the conversation.
SPAM
Junk mail. Junk mail. Jun-
SOPHIA
What?
SSAM
The name's Ssam, that's Spam.
SOPHIA
That's great. It's great to meet
you Sam, but we're just trying to
have a little family lunch here.
SSAM
It's Ssam. Long S.
(suggestively)
If you know what I mean?
She did not.
SOPHIA
I do not.
SPAM
Anyway, we saw you guys standing over there and, well, we recognised him immediately. How could we not?
SSAM
I mean he's a bit older now, but
he's still got those cheeks.
Sylvester looks uncomfortable.
SPAM
He's still got that smile.
SSAM
Anyway, we just wanted to come over here and invite you all to our table.
SPAM
We get it. The economic climate's
worse than the real one.
SSAM
So we buy eco-cakes.
SPAM
And we loved Rocky II.
SYLVESTER
Well thanks, thank you. That means a lot to me.
SPAM
O...kay
SYLVESTER
Everyone always talks about the first, but never the second. Sometimes I get a "You were great in Creed" comment, and then I've got to say "Different guy, different name, different complexion. Not that complex." They don't get it though.
SSAM
Sorry but wh-
SYLVESTER
Rocky II. Rocky II. Boy, what a movie. You think boxing looks difficult, try being a movie star. You think being a movie star looks difficult, try being a movie star in a boxing movie franchise. That's like Korea happening in Vietnam. Oh, those were the days.
CUT TO:
6. EXT. ROCKY STAIRS. A 1979 MORNING
The sun makes its way up, over Philadelphia. Panting, A young(er) Sylvester Stallone makes his way up the Rocky Stairs. A camera crew follows him. His panting becomes louder and his pace slower. TINA, the focus puller, laughs. Sylvester stops.
SYLVESTER
Who was that?
Beat.
SYLVESTER (CONT'D)
I said who was that?!
Beat.
SYLVESTER
Do you guys want to try running up these stairs?
The whole crew, realizing Sylvester may not be a whole lot smarter than his character, are close to laughter. MICHELLE, the camera operator, replies.
MICHELLE
Oh no, I couldn't imagine that.
These stairs?! We could never.
You're a better person than us, Sly.
SYLVESTER
Thanks, Michelle. But no apologies necessary, you're all forgiven. Let's do it again.
He begins to run back down the stairs. Then after battling down about five of them, he stops.
SYLVESTER
After a break or something. We should probably check the footage.
He slowly walks down the rest of the stairs. The crew do not move. Tina laughs.
CUT TO:
7. INT. BOXING RING. A 1979 AFTERNOON
Sylvester moves up and down the ring, pumping himself up. CARL WEATHERS nonchalantly stands in a corner on the other side.
SYLVESTER
Apollo, are you ready for this!?
CARL
Oh Sly, you don't have to call me
that.
SYLVESTER
I said are you ready, Mr. Creed!!?
CARL
Never mind.
Sylvester stops pacing. Looks at the camera. Inhales.
Exhales. Then jumps up once.
SYLVESTER
Let's roll. Aaand, action
Sylvester walks up to Carl, Carl walks up to Sylvester. They touch gloves. Sylvester takes a step back. Carl takes a step forward. Carl throws a punch.
SYLVESTER
And Cut!
Carl stops, mid-punch, and holds his position.
SYLVESTER
Stanley, Stanley, get in here!
STANLEY, Sylvester's stunt-double, gets into the ring and taps in for Sylvester.
STANLEY
Ready, Mr. Stallone.
SYLVESTER
Oh come on Stanley. No need to be
that formal. 'Mr. Rocky' will do
just fine.
STANLEY
Ai, sorry Mr. Rocky, it's the
language barrier.
SYLVESTER
Aaand action!
Carl finishes his punch and it connects with Stanley's jaw.
Stanley drops to the floor.
CUT TO:
8. INT. SYLVESTER'S APARTMENT. A 1979 EVENING
Sylvester, at the Rocky II wrap party, stands on a coffee table delivering a speech to the whole cast and crew.
SYLVESTER
When I first had the idea for 'Rocky' I didn't have any friends, I didn't have a house, and I certainly wasn't an actor. But look at me now.
ROBERT, ARTHUR, AND IRWIN, the film's producers, look at each other and laugh. Robert nods.
ROBERT
Still waiting on those friends.
ARTHUR
At least you've got the home!
IRWIN
But you're certainly still not an
actor.
Sylvester, assuming that this was the light-hearted 'banter' his mother used to warn him about, continues.
SYLVESTER
I'm grateful to all of you.
TINA
Who is this guy?
SYLVESTER
I'm grateful and I'm proud.
MICHELLE
We want Stanley!
SYLVESTER
I'm proud and I'm grateful.
MICHELLE
Listen to that, he's so backwards.
SYLVESTER
I'm grateful and I'm proud!
TINA
We want Yelnats!
The entire cast and crew break out into a chant. They shout "Yelnats, Yelnats, Yelnats!" over and over again. Sylvester steps off the coffee table and runs into the bathroom. Stanley gets on the table. It immediately breaks.
STANLEY
Aiii!
CUT TO:
9. INT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY. PRESENT DAY
Sylvester, his family, Spam, Ssam, and Stimmy stand just as they were before.
SYLVESTER
Happiest years of my life.
SPAM
Your life?
SYLVESTER
Yeah, the Rocky II days.
SSAM
What are you on about?
SYLVESTER
You said you liked the movie.
SSAM
And if you said you liked Brexit I wouldn't say 'thank you' because that's got nothing to do with me.
SYLVESTER
Wha-
SPAM
We were talking to this guy, this
champ.
Spam grabs Seargeoh's arm and raises it.
SPAM
The people's hero!
SSAM
(To Seargeoh)
We loved you in Rocky II.
SPAM
That performance!
SSAM
I was truly convinced.
SPAM
We were truly convinced.
SSAM
I can't believe you aren't a baby
in real life.
SPAM
You were so convincing!
SSAM
Do the line, do the line.
SPAM
Do it, do it.
SEARGEOH
Oh fellas, I don't know.
SPAM
Oh come on, please, please.
SEARGEOH
Alright, alright. Anything for a
fan, right dad?
No response.
SEARGEOH
(clears throat)
WAAAAH! WAAAAH! WAAAH!WAAAAAAH!
SSAM
And to think Dustin Hoffman won the Oscar.
FADE OUT.
TITLE CARD READS: Slyvester.