The Battle of Alesia

By Benji Elkins:


CAESAR: Lay down your arms Gauls, for you have been subdued by the might of the Roman Empire. Step before me and present your sword.


VERCINGETORIX: I accept my defeat and give you my sword. May you be just and merciful in my judgement.


CAESAR: You have fought nobly valiant gaul, and your sword will be kept as a great monument to your honor in battle, representative of the man it belonged t- what is this?


VERCINGETORIX: It’s my sword Caesar.


CAESAR: Is this some sort of joke?


VERCINGETORIX: You have bested me in battle. Surely it is now my duty to lay my arms before you?


CAESAR: This is a spork…. This is a freaking spork!


VERCINGETORIX: And I have fought bravely with it, and I now present it to yo-


CAESAR: What is this? What is this residue? It’s white, what is- you, come here. What is this?


LEGIONNAIRE: I don’t know my lord.


CAESAR: Taste it. Go on.


LEGIONNAIRE: Tastes like ranch, my Caesar.


CAESAR: Oh I get it. Haha, very funny, make fun of the guy who shares his name with a salad. I’ll have you know I command respect and that salad is nothing without me.


VERCINGETORIX: Caesar, truthfully, this is my sword and I lay it before you.


CAESAR: What? Am I supposed to believe that? Are my men supposed to be made of iceberg lettuce?


VERCINGETORIX: It’s a rather large blade Caesar, it’s fairly deadly.


CAESAR: It’s blunt around the edges. And what’s with the ranch anyways?


VERCINGETORIX: I was hungry. I'll be honest Caesar.... the sword does double as a spork.

CAESAR: So you admit it is a spork now!


VERCINGETORIX: They’re not mutually exclusive.


CAESAR: Someone better make a sandwich out of your name, see how you like it.


Respect Caesar’s wishes. End Caesar Salad. Call 1-800-END-CAESAR to pledge your support.

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©2018 by The Milking Cat.