By Joethlan Cornhusk:
THE PROXY
1. INT. KITCHEN - DAY
SEYMOUR opens his refrigerator and takes out a bowl of pudding. He begins lightly spanking the surface with a spoon.
SEYMOUR
Yeah. Take that you little bitch.
TONTO enters the room.
TONTO
Yo wassup’ broseph?
SEYMOUR
Whoa! Tonto! Ever heard of knocking?!
Tonto slaps the bowl out of Seymour’s hands. The ceramic bowl shatters and pudding splatters on the floor.
SEYMOUR
Okay, what the hell was that?
TONTO
Shit man. Listen, Seymour, I’m honestly sorry about that, but you on the real have to hear me out.
SEYMOUR
How could you possibly have a rational explanation for what you just did, i.e. spilling my dreams on the floor and ruining today.
TONTO
I’m not letting you put that garbage in your body.
Visibly enraged, Seymour begins to scream at Tonto.
SEYMOUR
Why do you care what I eat?
TONTO
Because you’re my body proxy now.
SEYMOUR
I’m you’re what?
TONTO
My body proxy. Okay so it’s this really chill idea I just came up with a minute ago. Let me explain, I have a terrible diet right? I don’t deal wit dat healthy shit, I don’t deal wit dat taste. So what I do is, I have someone else,
Tonto points to Seymour.
TONTO (CONT’D)
you, be my body proxy and eat healthy for me, and it lets me feel better about myself.
SEYMOUR
That is the dumbest thing that I have ever head.
TONTO
What so you’re not going to be my proxy? Are you for real bro?
SEYMOUR
Of course I’m not. And don’t concern yourself so much with other people, and don’t knock things out of my hands.
Tonto starts leans in closely and speaks directly into Seymour’s ear. Seymour is visible uncomfortable.
TONTO
I didn’t want to do this, but if you don’t agree to be my proxy, I’m telling everybody on Tumblr what you did on March 15th of last year.
CUT TO SEYMOUR’S BACKSIDE.
Seymour appears to have defecated.
CUT TO SEYMOUR’S FACE.
Seymour’s expression is one of absolute shock.
CUT TO:
2. EXT. PLAYGROUND - DUSK
TEXT APPEARS ON SCREEN: MARCH 15TH, 2018
Sitting alone on a bench in an empty playground is BIG TOMMY. He is tall and portly. Big Tommy has a sad expression on his face and is speaking to himself.
BIG TOMMY
I’ll miss that little rapscallion.
A tear begins to roll down Big Tommy’s right cheek.
Seymour appears with a stick and begins to make his way across the playground toward Big Tommy. Big Tommy is revealed to be sporting a plumber’s crack. He stands behind Big Tommy and jabs the stick directly into Big Tommy’s exposed crack.
BIG TOMMY
Owww! Ahhhhh!
Seymour flees and Big Tommy attempts to pursue him. Only the back of Seymour’s head is visible to Big Tommy so Seymour’s identity is unknown to him. Big Tommy cannot keep up with Seymour for long and falls behind. He falls to the ground and begins sobbing.
CUT TO TONTO STANDING IN PLAYGROUND
Having seen the entire event transpire, a Machiavellian grin appears on Tonto’s face. He proceeds to walk away.
CUT TO:
3. INT. KITCHEN - DIRECTLY AFTER SCENE 1
SEYMOUR
How did you find out?
TONTO
I was there.
SEYMOUR
Goddamnit.
TONTO
Everyone rushed to Big Tommy’s aid once they found out what happened. First his hamster dies, and then on the same day no less, he’s violated by some mystery diva culprit. If I post this and reveal that you’re the anal fiend, the entire Tumbrlsphere will be ablaze, spewing haterade in your direction. I’m sorry to have to threaten you like this bud,
Tonto places his hand on Seymour’s shoulder.
TONTO (CONT’D)
but I need you as that proxy.
SEYMOUR
Come on man, you’re taking away my freedom. I won’t be able to live as a body proxy, I’m not a proxy kind of guy.
TONTO
Well as long as you want to remain a respected member of the Tumblr community, you don’t have much of a choice.
Seymour appears defeated.
SEYMOUR
Well what am I supposed to do as your body proxy?
TONTO
You can start right now by going on a two mile run, after, we’ll go to Whole Foods to pick out some healthy foods for you to eat. And don’t try to skimp out on this run, if I find out you cut corners there will be consequences.
SEYMOUR
Okay Tonto.
TONTO
Excuse me?
SEYMOUR
I said, “Okay Tonto.”
TONTO
I would feel a lot more comfortable if you would say, “Yes sir.”
SEYMOUR
Yes sir.
A distraught Seymour leaves the kitchen to change into running clothes.
Tonto has a very smug look on his face. The glob of pudding and ceramic shards on the floor catches his eye. He immediately pounces on the mound and begins to devour the pudding. Tonto begins to laugh maniacally as he consumes the treat. This laughter quickly turns into hysterical sobbing.
Tonto accidentally swallows a piece of the bowl. He begins choking.
TONTO
Seymour! Help! I’m choking!
Tonto’s screams are too muffled and not heard by Seymour. Tonto begins banging on the floor to get Seymour’s attention.
Seymour appears in the kitchen doorway. He sees Tonto writhing on the floor and appears to start masturbating.
After ten seconds, Tonto falls dead.
THE END