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Worst Christmas Gifts Given To Me, Ranked

By Sarah Parmet 


8. Candles. Candles are hot. Candles make fire (cue the intrusive thoughts). Put finger in fire. Put finger in fire. Knock candle over. Set house on fire. Set house on fire. Put — do you see where this is going?   


7. A house plant — I accidentally killed 33 of them. I didn’t do anything wrong, promise! I watered them twice a day. Every other day. And sometimes I spilled the water and I don’t know how much actually got in the plant but I manifested the idea of the water being absorbed by the plant. 


6. A live gerbil. (See note about the houseplant). 


5. A dead gerbil.   


4. A set of extra sharp No.2. pencils. They’ll give me SAT flashbacks (the November math section was rough, you guys).  


3. A plane. I asked for a private yacht equipped with a movie theater! 


2. Any food-like substance. I’ve been trying out a new diet lately — it’s called Photosynthesis. I don’t consume nutrients in the traditional way, I merely bask in the sun like a lizard on a rock in the early morning. If you give me a candy cane, it’s going right to the trash. 


1. A left kidney. I know mine doesn’t function fully (blockage when I was four, kidney swelled up to three times its normal size, whatever), but you don’t have to rub it in my face. That’s just insulting.  


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