5 Reasons I’m Definitely Not Batman

By Elsa Boehm

Many people have accused me of being Batman in the past. They all say: “Elsa, you’re so heroic and muscular, just like Batman.” But I wanted to set the record straight. Though we share a devilish grin, sense of living on the edge, and strong jawline, I am not, in fact, Batman. If you don’t believe me, I totally get it, but here’s why.

1. The Batsuit doesn’t fit me (I’m too ripped)

First off, Batman doesn’t have these gains. When I’m bulking, nobody can get in my way–not Joker, not Bane, not anybody. During the many times when I absolutely have not tried on the Batsuit, it has never once fit over my monster pecs and bulging biceps. Batman just doesn’t work out as much as I do.

2. I definitely do not have the Batmobile in my basement.

Have neighbors complained of the very frequent purr of a revving engine and the occasional fender bender? Yes. Has a black vanity plate reading “Superman Who???” been sighted peeking elegantly out of my basement door? Perchance. Do I go nuclear at bumper cars whenever I go to an arcade? No comment. But the point is, I swear I’m not hiding the Batmobile in my basement. I failed my driver’s test for a reason (the DMV is out to get me).

3. Batman has better things to do than to explain to you why she isn’t Batman

Shouldn’t Batman be out fighting crime instead of writing a second-rate humor article? Is this why Joker is winning? No. I am not Batman and am therefore spending my time breaking the fourth wall, not the skulls of criminals. I’m definitely not just procrastinating arresting yet another January Sixer for affronts to fashion (Viking guy already broke into a federal building…why add to your sins with camo blends that haven’t been washed since 2014?). Oh, and also–Joker is not winning.

4. I have a curfew.

How could I be out patrolling the streets of Gotham City when I’m supposed to be home by 11pm every night? How can I fight crime when my parents try to dim my shine? This would be way too difficult and would definitely not involve sneaking out the backdoor every night while my mom somberly looks up a “how to know if your child is a superhero” WikiHow article.

5. I am morally opposed to Robert Pattinson.

I’m sorry Robert, but this one is self-explanatory. I would pull off that black leather way better than you. You make Batman look like a narc, and I’m not even jealous of your smoulder. Practice your mewing and then talk to me about saving Gotham City.

I hope this article convinced you that I am definitely not Batman.