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By Finn Merritt

In This Non-Disclosure Agreement Finn Merritt Discloses Certain Information that May or May Not Relate to the Incident

The following document should be read in conjunction with the possibility of a State vs Merritt case. The party reading this should not say, tell, or show anyone. In more modern terms: snitches get stitches, bitch. Don't tell anyone anything in this piece. If you betray the signature in ink, we get a signature in your blood. We reserve the right to sue, peruse, buy any form of evidence to nullify your case, or we can always cap a bitch. For legal purposes, ‘a bitch’ signifies the receiving party or any loved ones of the receiving party.

Please sign along the space provided, signifying your acceptance of the following information, and your signature reflects your ability and willingness to not disclose to anyone, under any conditions, less death do you part. (Once again, we will kill you but you cannot tell anyone.)

Disclosing Party: Finn Merritt

Disclosing Party Signature: _____________________________________

Receiving Party:

Receiving Party Signature: ______________________________________

Clause 1) The Incident

Reader shall not discuss this event, unless given explicit directions to reveal where Finn Merritt was on November 7th, 2021. That was, of course, the marching band state day.

It was a dark November morning in Mauldin, South Carolina. Finn Merritt waited for all his fellow marching band members to arrive. It was less of a morning than it was night. The band had to arrive at 4:30am for his favorite tradition as a second year marcher, “State Day Celebration.” All eighty days of the marching season led to this. At this point gallons of sweat have dripped down these teenagers’ faces onto the football field, and all that work, all those days, was to come to a closing that day. They arrived early because of the traditional pre-state party. The section leaders worked together to convert the practice rooms and the storage closets into different themed rooms. The clarinet room was impassioned. The clarinet section was losing half of their members, six were going to college. Veronica, a girl who wore her ponytail religiously, and Finn Merritt were to go to a new school.

Letters were passed, phone numbers exchanged, all leading up to the end of this era that was approaching the band faster and faster. The band tried to pause the ending of the season with this party. The band had to accept the fact that they would never see each other again, not only that, but this marching band show was to be lost forever, that the people in the small cramped closet of a room would not collaborate on building a beautiful show with emotion, bodies, and soul.

Clause 1B) Following the end-of-season party, Finn Merritt boarded a school bus to the statewide competition at 6am. There was no opportunity to go to the bathroom. These high schoolers were “big boys and girls” who did not require a bathroom on the bus. Tears fell. People knew there was only one more show. Finn Merritt would do anything for this band, just short of murder. When the marching band got off the bus at 9 A.M, they were required to strip down to their shorts and tank tops, and put on their marching band uniform, so terrible for bathroom etiquette.*

Clause 1C) The grass was short, yet still flowing in the chilling November breeze. Teenagers’ breaths smoking the air, everyone in uniform. A wide circle of marchers surrounded the drum majors, keeping time in unison with drumsticks and hands. Emotions in the air, as well as the smell of the piney woods nearby. Color and noise everywhere. (For the record what Finn Merritt is about to tell you, please God, don’t tell anyone.) The beautiful scene of trees, shiny uniforms reflecting in the lights. Unity among the marchers’ eyes. A fire burning inside their hearts. Everyone is ready, one thing on their minds. Victory. (What Finn Merritt is about to say, please do not repeat to anyone. Writing this, it's embarrassing enough.) No one could tell that inside Finn Merritt’s mind, all he could think about was the fact he just shat his pants.

Finn Merritt has not yet responded to letters asking for him to pay the dry-cleaning bill. The marching band holds its breath in remorse.


* If there was to be a scenario where the reader were to need the facilities, it would be something like this. You, the reader, would have to first take off an exterior shiny vest that zips from the back and to take off you have to zip up from behind meaning you would need a friend to come to the bathroom with you and hold it. You would then have to then take off the overalls and since overalls are both pants and a top, you would then be shirtless and pantless in the bathroom. It gets to the point where you, reader, might as well just go in your uniform because there are no more rules in this hypothetical scenario.

1 Comment

Dec 12, 2022

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read -- I'd share it with people but based on the last clause I don't think you'd want that... 🤐

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