By Maddie Thompson
For Immediate Release
A statement from the Founding Fathers:
When, as proud citizens of this country, there comes a point that we must clarify wording in our most important text, you know the situation must be dire. All men are still created equal, but it seems your interpretation of the Bill of Rights may have missed the point a little bit, which is why we, the Founding Fathers, have come back to say:
We were talking about actual bears in the second amendment.
Now we understand this may come as a shock to Americans inhabiting our gracious lands today, but there was once a time where bears were a huge problem within our otherwise totally flawless establishment.
See what had happened was, when discussing matters of utmost importance during the Constitutional Convention, a certain John Adams in particular was ADAMANT that we include a section regarding our right to own bear arms.
He claimed that were destined to forget the plentiful uses that one could find in the ownership of bear arms, including but not limited to:
- A hand (paw) to hold in times of struggle
- A hand (paw) to hold your possessions when they become too heavy
- A beautiful decoration piece!
- A wonderful back scratcher
Now, looking back, it could be easily misconstrued that we were talking about owning weapons of the musket-type in the house, but at the time it was genuinely just about John Adams and his passionate love for bears.
With today’s challenges around animal extinction, PETA, and a general lack of need for bear arms in the average American home, we have decided to rescind this amendment. The right to bear arms is no longer.
God bless you, and God bless the country we created for you.
- The Founding Fathers