By Nina Patel
There’s nothing greater than the big screen. Crystal clear picture, immaculate surround sound, unsilenced cellphones, and the irresistible scent of fresh, buttery popcorn.
Nothing makes an experience more real than the cheering of a crowd at every minor climax of a movie. Nothing makes a predictable plot point seem more exciting than the old lady sitting in front of you gasping at the “big twist” that you guessed five minutes into the film. No experience can bond a group of people like being forced to listen to the loud crinkling of wrappers emanating from the purse of the mother who packed her entire kitchen in an effort to boycott overpriced movie theater snacks. She still bought a large popcorn, but she did her best.
Wondering if you want kids? Well wonder no further. Having your seat kicked for two hours straight by the fun-sized demon behind you who can’t seem to sit still is the perfect reminder that you’re not cut out for parenthood. If you can barely suppress your urge to kick a child in the head for two hours, you shouldn’t be responsible for anyone.
If you’re having a particularly high self-esteem day, there’s no better way to lower your confidence than going to a movie alone. No one cares if you watch Netflix alone in your apartment for eight hour straight, but the second you drag your ass out of bed to go be lonely in public, you’ll definitely receive some much needed judgment.
Not entertained by the movie? Not to worry, the idiot who dropped his keys and figured that no one would notice if he searched for them with his phone flashlight in the middle of the most emotional scene in the movie is here to provide you with endless entertainment. And there’s no better soundtrack for this thrilling search mission than the snoring of an old man who’s been asleep since the previews ended.
So why stay home? Why curl up in bed with an appropriately-sized screen and the ability to adjust volume and pause for bathroom breaks? Why spend time sitting on your couch when you could get up and move to a different, less comfortable chair?
Settle for less. Settle for Stubs.
AMC – At least you left your house today.