Blood Relatives

By Juliet Wei

CAST

Mosquito/Goblin (Greg) - 30’s

Bat/Vampire 1 (Dracula) - 30’s

Bat/Vampire 2 (Vladimir)- 30’s

Count Igor (Vampire) - 30’s

Leech - 30’s

(A cave - Family Reunion)

BAT 1

(posh)

Why hello there, Vladimir. My favorite cousin, how have you been doing?

BAT 2

(posh)

Ah yes, hello Dracula. I have been doing quite splendidly. I’ve been spending my time in the shadowed halls of my ancestral castle, sipping the finest of crimson vintages beneath the pale moon’s gaze.

BAT 1

(posh)

Yes, yes, I as well- 

MOSQUITO

(Gravelly and Raspy) 

Well, well, well. Look who’s back together again.

BAT 1

(sighs)

Hello Greg. 

(Bat 2 walks away)

MOSQUITO

Oh come on, no one excited to see me? Come on, Drac, we haven’t talked in ages!

BAT 1

(mumbles)

You smell so bad it could conjure a storm.

MOSQUITO

(sneezes loudly and grossly)

What was that? I didn’t hear you.

BAT 1

I said why don’t we speak in our other forms?

(majestically “transforms” into a sexy vampire with saxophone in the background and a quick turn - take off blanket with bat picture on it) 

MOSQUITO

Oh yes, great idea. 

(Turns around slowly with a fart noise in the background and turns into a ugly goblin - take off blanket with mosquito picture on it)

GOBLIN (MOSQUITO)

Ugh ... It’s been a while.

VAMPIRE 1 (BAT 1)

(Holding his nose with a disgusted face)

So . . . Greg, where have you been these days?

GOBLIN 

Me? Oh, just traveling the world, one warm body at a time. Ever been to Florida in summer? That’s all me. Oh wait, you wouldn’t know what Florida in summer feels like because you still have that weird skin condition . . . what a shame. . .

VAMPIRE 1

It’s not a skin condition, Greg. It’s called being immortal. Unlike you, I happen to combust instantly if even a single, vulgar ray of sunlight touches my flawless complexion—something you wouldn’t understand, given your hunched little frame, warty skin, and that grating, phlegmy cackle you call a voice. Don’t even get me started on that revolting needle that sticks out of your face in your usual form. 

GOBLIN 

At least my PROBOSCIS is efficient. One poke, job done. You? You have to make awkward eye contact for a millennium. 

VAMPIRE 1

Everyone hates you.

GOBLIN 

What an odd way to say I’m famous. There are a thousand brands with my name in it. 

VAMPIRE 1 

They’re all repellent. 

GOBLIN 

(inhales through the nose, then exhales slowly)

You know what. . . Dracula. I think we got off to the wrong start. 

(Pulls muffin out of pocket)

Here. It’s a peace offering. 

VAMPIRE 1

I don’t want it.

GOBLIN 

Take it.

VAMPIRE 1

No.

GOBLIN 

Take it.

VAMPIRE 1

No.

GOBLIN 

TAKE IT!

VAMPIRE 1 

. . . Fine. Count Igor, try this. 

(Count Igor chokes)

COUNT IGOR

(In an old, raspy voice)

 There’s - There’s garlic in this. . . 

(Count Igor collapses)

VAMPIRE 1 

Really? Your lifespan is like what, 2 weeks? And you’re spending it on trying to poison us with garlic muffins.

GOBLIN 

Excuse me? I have millions of swarms around the country, as long as the gangs live on, I live on with them. You? You guys are almost extinct. 

VAMPIRE 1

I have feasted on the blood of kings. I’ve- 

GOBLIN 

Yeah, yeah whatever blah blah blah you hurt people and all, but do you leave little itchy spots when you do? Didn’t think so. 

VAMPIRE 1

I’ve slaughtered armies without lifting a sword-

GOBLIN 

(high-pitched mocking tone)

Oh look at me I’ve slaughtered armies

(back to normal tone)

Wow, terrifying. But have you ever single-handedly made an entire family sleep in their car on a camping trip? 

VAMPIRE 1

I produce corpses. You produce calamine lotion sales.

GOBLIN

Oh please, you’ve always been so full of yourself.

(Shoves rock so that the sun shines into the cave)

VAMPIRE 1

AH! IT BURNS! GET RID OF IT!

GOBLIN

(Moves rock back into place so that the sun doesn’t seep through anymore)

Look at you — screaming over a little sunshine.

VAMPIRE 1

(Pulls out bug spray and starts spraying it)

GOBLIN

Ah! The eucalyptus! The lemongrass! 

VAMPIRE 1

(Drops the bug spray)

Curses!

GOBLIN

Ugh. . . Ew. 

VAMPIRE 1

So. Still buzzing around trailer parks? 

GOBLIN

I’m international, thank you very much. I’ve got swarms on five continents. I’m basically a multinational corporation.

VAMPIRE 1

You’re running a health hazard. I’ve inspired novels, films – entire genres. I have castles, legacies, centuries of fear. 

GOBLIN

Fear? Half the world thinks you’re just a Halloween costume. I’m always at weddings, camping trips, and honeymoons. I trend every summer.

VAMPIRE 1

At least I don’t get flattened by a flip-flop.

GOBLIN

At least I don’t need to beg for an invitation just to go inside- 

VAMPIRE 1

At least I don’t live in dirty puddles. 

GOBLIN

Excuse me! Those are breeding grounds –

LEECH

(pretentious)

Ah, Cousins. Cousins. Tsk tsk tsk. Arguing again? 

LEECH

Apologies for being late — had to finish saving another human life at the clinic. You know how it is. 

(VAMPIRE and MOSQUITO glare at LEECH)

LEECH

Well, while you’ve been . . . biting tourists and . . . lurking in castles, I’ve been saving lives in top hospitals. Oh well as you would know, I am a-

VAMPIRE 1

Yeah yeah, we know. You’re a hematologist. We’ve been through this already-

LEECH

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been summoned to the White House

.. . to treat the President’s dog.

(turns to leave and pauses, then slowly turns head back)

Try not to embarrass the family . . . more than usual.

(Exits)