By Isabelle Fortaleza-Tan
THE FEMALE PROTAGONIST
She’s not like other girls! She actually likes to read books. She doesn’t wear makeup
or care about trendy clothes. In fact, she comes to school in gray dish rags and
worn-out doc martens from the thrift store. While the other girls go to parties and
hook up with guys on the football team, she stays in her bedroom and reads The
Communist Manifesto while listening to indie records in the dark. She’s way more
interesting than the popular cheerleaders who wear crop tops and miniskirts— can
you say: basic? She despises anything traditionally feminine, she even started a
coalition, “unique girls against pink”.
* This is not due to internalized misogyny, she’s just quirky! *
** All of this goes out the window, twenty minutes into the movie when she gets a
makeover to get her crush’s attention —it’s only cool when she does it **
THE DIVERSE BEST FRIEND
The token person of color. She has colorfully dyed hair and says things like “Yasss
queen! Slay!”. The Diverse Best Friend (DBF) has no character development and their
sole purpose is to give advice to the Female Protagonist. The DBF’s life revolves
around the Female Protagonist. She magically appears by the Female Protagonist’s
side in the hallways to offer quick quips and totally sassy remarks!
* The DBF is interchangeable with the timeless, sassy GBF (Gay Best Friend) *
THE ANTAGONIST
Move over Stalin. Scooch over there, Hitler. Prepare for the most diabolical
two-legged, high-heeled creature to grace this Earth— the blonde teenage girl. She’s
the worst. She has her own best interest at heart, rather than the ones of the Female
Protagonist— the sheer audacity! She wears pink— need I say more? Everyone else is
naively under her intoxicating spell of floral perfume, bouncy hair, and sparkly lip
gloss.
* This is also not due to internalized misogyny, she just happens to be both
stereotypically feminine and the worst! *
THE LOVE INTEREST
Hubba Hubba. This is no regular white boy, oh no no no. This is a white boy with, wait
for it, fluffy brown hair. He, like the Female Protagonist, isn’t like the other
neanderthal boys that prowl the school. While all the other boys merely grunt, scratch
and sniff, this love interest is a whole human being. With feelings! The ability to form
coherent sentences! One (1) secret hobby! (Spoiler alert: he plays the guitar).
* Even though he only shows interest in the Female Protagonist post-makeover, he
later reveals that he’s been in love with her the whole time— gray dish rags and all!
Trust him! *