Diary Entry by Potato (THE Guinea Pig Queen)

By Chloe Lin

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up at 4:00 am before the crack of dawn because I’m just so snazzy like that. I sat around and basically did nothing because there's nothing to do in this cage (except chuck my feces outside the cage walls sometimes, just for fun, teehee), but then I promptly decided to eat some crispy green hay. 

BEFORE YOU ASK ME, NO, I am NOT a horse. OR a sheep. OR a cow. OR… whatever! You wouldn’t understand, Diary, you’re just a bunch of flat white lettuce pieces tied together by nothing but my poetic writing. But that’s okay. I know you still love me. Mwah.

Anyways, after I had my delicious meal, I wanted to nap, but I couldn’t because I had to wait for my owners to wake up and feed me my actual big breakfast: LETTUCE <33. So I waited and waited, and waited for what seemed like forever. (Tell me why humans are always napping for so long? There is absolutely no need to snog the air for nine hours straight!) When someone finally came downstairs at 8:30 am, they ignored me and made their own breakfast for themselves! (Who could ignore someone as cute and as sweet as me?) I sobbed in the corner of my cage with my little paws over my eyes. (Okay, fine, I didn’t, alright? But I was really mad.)

I sang songs with my lovely voice for a few minutes in order to try to get that person’s attention. SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAAAKKK!

“Alright, alright! What do you need!? Are you hungry!?” I heard a clattering of footsteps before I saw that the person who had come down so early was the girl.

Oh.

Ain’t no way I was talking to her. She called me a biggie and a fatty every day because all I did was “eat food.” Yeah, well, guess what? At least I can eat whenever I want, unlike you. Even so, what if I was a biggie? There’s nothing wrong with that! Life lived without eating any good food is a waste!

Eventually, I did get my lettuce, but it didn’t feel the same as when I usually get my food from my favorite owner, the dad. (My paws are already getting tired from writing this much.) Anyways, I spent the rest of the day rotating between munching on hay strips and napping in my cozy little hut. There isn’t much to do as a Guinea pig, but I try to make the most out of it. (Obviously.)

Okay, I’m tired of writing, so… I’m going to nap now.

P.S. Sorry if my writing was too “mediocre” for you. After all, I am just a Guinea pig. But, I know I am the best one out there. Mwah.

P.S.S. I don’t mean to brag, but I do have this fancy way of fluffing my fur just so. The humans call it my “bedhead” look, but they’re just jealous.

P.S.S.S. If you want tips and tricks to the perfect “bedhead” look, just let me know. I’ll be happy to give you the recipe for it for just $9.99, which is actually a huge sale from its usual $100 list price. (A veryyy good deal, as you can see.)

P.S.S.S.S. Do you think my diary entries could possibly be published in the future? I would be the first female Guinea pig author! Do you think people would enjoy reading my memoir?

P.S.S.S.S.S. Sorry, got a bit sidetracked!! I’m gonna shut up now because I know I already said I was going to shut up like… five times ago!

Anyways,

Baiiiiiiiiiiiii,

Potato (THE Guinea Pig Queen)