How to Win an Argument with Your Parents Using the Power of Debatable Logic

By Kaavya Rajan

Ah, parents. The benevolent overlords of our daily existence. The gatekeepers of Wi-Fi, allowance, and whether or not we’re “allowed” to have ice cream for breakfast (which, by the way, should be a basic human right).

But sometimes, just sometimes, you find yourself trapped in the ultimate battle: The Parent-Child Argument. Maybe they think your music is too loud (it’s not). Maybe they believe staying up until 2 AM on a school night is "unacceptable" (have they even met productivity?). Or maybe they have the audacity to say, “Because I said so,” as if that is a legitimate argument. Well, fear not, fellow logic enthusiast! Here is your official guide to defeating parental authority with the sheer power of questionably sound reasoning.

Step 1: Deploy the “Historical Precedent” Argument

Parents love history, so use it against them. The next time they say, "You can’t wear pajamas to the grocery store," hit them with this: "In ancient times, people wore togas everywhere. Technically, pajamas are just the modern toga. Are you saying Socrates was wrong? Are you smarter than Socrates?" Boom. Instant philosophical crisis.

Step 2: Weaponize Their Own Words Against Them

Parents are always saying things like "Be yourself" or "Think for yourself." But the moment you try to do exactly that? "Not like that" So when they tell you to stop watching YouTube and “go read a book,” just calmly respond: "Technically, watching videos is absorbing information, just like reading. Isn’t the goal to learn? If I read subtitles, does that count? And if we’re being really honest, isn’t the world itself just one giant open book waiting to be read?" At this point, they will either (A) walk away or (B) send you outside, which you can argue is free-range learning.

Step 3: The “You Did It When You Were My Age” Tactic

No parent is immune to nostalgia. If they complain that you spend too much time on your phone, remind them that when they were your age, they spent hours on the landline, fighting for dial-up internet. If they say you should "go outside more," remind them that their generation’s idea of fun was running in circles around the neighborhood unsupervised until the streetlights came on. If they claim video games are ruining your brain, just stare them dead in the eye and say: "Tetris improves spatial awareness. Minecraft enhances creativity. Meanwhile, you spent your childhood drinking from the garden hose and calling it hydration." Checkmate.

Step 4: The “Science Has Changed” Gambit

Anytime they use their classic line, “When I was your age, I didn’t need [insert basic human necessity],” just calmly respond: "Yes, but science has advanced. You also didn’t wear seatbelts as a kid. Are you saying we should bring that back?" They may try to pivot, but stay strong. Keep listing outdated things until they crack. "Should we also return to rotary phones? Horses for transportation? Cooking everything in lard?" They’ll either concede or pretend they need to "go check something." Victory is yours.

Step 5: The Existential Stalemate If all else fails, go for the ultimate, undefeatable argument: "Does anything even matter? In the grand scheme of the universe, is taking out the trash really my greatest purpose? Isn’t time just an illusion?" At this point, they will either: 1. Give up entirely. 2. Ground you on principle. 3. Question their entire existence. Honestly, all three are a win.

Now, will these tactics always work? No. Your parents have been on this planet longer, have infinite patience for your nonsense, and, at the end of the day, control your entire life. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make them sweat a little. Use your new powers wisely, young debater. And remember: if all else fails, just offer to unload the dishwasher. That’s the one argument they will never refuse.