I’m So Tired of Seeing These Types of Characters in My Novels

By Chloe Lin

Guess what?

Reading rates have actually been down in the past few years. Most people don’t even touch books at all after graduating from high school or college! Which is crazy, to be honest. Who wouldn’t love to read about some juicy drama between two guys and a girl in a love triangle that literally nobody asked for? Or read about an “impossible” murder that is to be solved by the one and only Hercule Poirot? 

However, it has come to my attention that the past few years have also come with a rise in typical character archetypes that seem to appear in every other book I read about in certain genres (no offense, but mostly romance and fantasy tbh). Don’t sweat it though, I’ve picked out the most obvious and silly ones just for you! Take it as an early present for your birthday (or a late one if it has already passed), and you don’t even need to thank me either with a thank-you note! I’m saving you, so it’s nothing, really. (And no, I’m not being forced to write this by Henry David Thoreau, Ernest Hemingway, George Orwell, Franz Kafka, Jane Austen, Louisa May Alcott, L.M. Montgomery—

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I’LL GET ON WITH IT!

• The weak, petite, female protagonist of any romantasy novel who is described as “fragile” and “barely 5 feet tall” at least twenty times by the author, except by the second half of the story, she’s already overthrowing an entire empire and assassinating a corrupt ruler. There’s also usually some sort of tragic background or childhood story that haunts her throughout the novel. A dead parent, a dead sibling, a dead loved one, a dead family member, a dead village, a dead… well, something. My poor girl just canNOT get a break!

• The brooding and dark male love interest of any romance novel with STRICTLY only DARK BROWN HAIR. Why not light brown, you ask me? Why not blonde, you ask me?! I could not tell you because I wish I knew! This guy is constantly emotionally unavailable because he leaves his feelings behind in one of those red London phone booths every single day. He communicates solely with glares, clenched jaws, death stares, cryptic one-liners, eyebrow dances, and with mogging (don’t ask). (You instantly know this guy is not a person you would want on your team at work.)

• The trauma-filled side character who’s funny, and everyone loves them… AND then ends up dying at the end of a story, which makes all the readers extremely upset and angry at the author. (Let’s not pick at an old wound, though…)

• The villain who’s just there in the book because the author needs some filler space. (All the readers hate this one.) However, at least the readers forget their name five minutes after finishing the book! Their biggest flaw is not being cruel, but instead, it’s just being boring and annoying. 

The two guys and one girl in a love triangle that literally nobody asked for… WAS ONE GUY NOT ENOUGH FOR HER?! I mean, a love triangle in books almost always ends up with the girl and the dark-haired guy getting together. The light-haired guy is cast away almost every time, so what’s the point? It is becoming increasingly clear that love triangles exist solely to raise the blood pressure of a reader. So, if you ever need to feel some rage, don’t pick a fight with your older sibling. Nope! Instead, I recommend you to read a book with a confusing love triangle in it.