It’s a Big Year For Facial Hair, And That May Spell Doom for The Shaved

By Chris Hommel

As of late, the bearded man has absolutely dominated society. These days, nearly every movie you see features a man with luscious face locks. It has become the American culture, no star shall star until they’ve grown a fluffy pillow of beardedness. For the pro-beard supporters of America, this is a wonderful development. However, for the baby-faced individuals, this rugged revolution may cause their very extinction, making this undeniably the biggest issue in America right now.

The most popular movies and television shows of the year have featured men with some form of hair on their chin. Pedro Pascal has been in many many movies this year, and has declared himself a proudly bearded man. One of the biggest romance films of the year, The Materialists is about a woman choosing between Pedro Pascal, a bearded man, and Chris Evans, yet another bearded man. Is Hollywood trying to sell the message that women can only find love in men with beards? Are only the bearded romantics? How bizarre a message.

But the fiendish facial hair agenda does not just limit itself to the romance genre, the horror

genre has exploited the power of beards as well. In Sinners, Hollywood hottie Michael B. Jordan portrays not only one character with a beard, but two! He shouldn’t be allowed to do that! Could one of his characters not have shaved? Why must the dual role present representation for only the bearded man? It’s quite a challenge for the clean-shaven, vampires are already heartthrobs, adding a beard on top of that makes them nearly impossible to beat!

Yet perhaps the biggest exposure beards have had are in the very successful children’s movies of the year. In A Minecraft Movie Jason Momoa and Jack Black alike boast long-lengthed facial follicles. How is the clean-shaven man possibly expected to defeat the immensely iconic Steve? The matter is even worse with the billion dollar movie Lilo & Stitch. A movie about a character entirely covered in hair?! Come on, Hollywood! How do the hairless even compete!

The only saving grace for the beardless men of America this year is Superman. David Corenswet shines as the hero with a face as clean as a baby’s bottom. It’s a great symbol for the beardless everywhere that even they too can save the world. It’s great press for everyone incapable of growing a beard and- What? What’s that? David Corenswet had a beard for the

entire press tour of Superman? Well, fiddlesticks.

Perhaps it will be a while before the bearded man's time in the spotlight fades, but it better be

soon, as otherwise the shaved men of America may begin to doubt themselves. If the bearded are the only ones accepted, it may lead to a massive increase in beard growth! Worse, the men without beards may start wearing fake beards! Then, when it’s impossible to tell what’s a real beard and what’s a fake beard, all that’s left is itchiness and beard-mania! A world like that must never come to pass, and so everyone must remember that the bearded must never become too powerful. #balancethebeards