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Kim... Kardashian?

By Elsa Boehm Though many criticize North Korea for their blatant human rights abuses and Kim Jong Un’s dump truck’s poorly hidden silicone inserts, rare is it that in such an oppressive country you find such a heartwarming, supportive, body-positive group of rulers. In reality, there is only one family in the world with such vehement support for the proletariat– the Kardashians. The misunderstood icons that make up the Kardashian family surprisingly provide perfect parallels to the Kim dynasty. But one question remains– in a reenactment of the North Korean family drama, who plays who?

Kim Kardashian as Kim Il Sung

Like Kim Il Sung, the original Kim who paved the way for the North Korean worker’s party to have a 100% approval rating, Kim Kardashian is viewed by many as the original Kardashian. Kim Il Sung is known in equal measure as the “Great Leader” and the “Eternal President,” a clear mirror of Kim’s own prestige within the celebrity world. He can also speak to dolphins. Just like Kim Il Sung’s derrière, which is perpetually more voluptuous than the rest of his family’s, Kim metaphorically towers over her siblings in both fame and BBL. Kim Kardashian’s timeless advice to women in business (“get your fucking ass up and work”) has also been echoed countless times in Kim Il Sung’s own policies, in which North Koreans were highly motivated to produce over their quotas with sheer inspiration from Il Sung’s magical powers (and definitely not the threat of being disappeared.) Thus, Kim Kardashian could really help convey Kim Il Sung’s passion for his country (she has been spotted posing in front of the American flag, so she is clearly a patriot) as well as his influence and strong work ethic.

Kendall Jenner as Kim Jong Il

Perpetually overshadowed by his father Kim Il Sung, Kim Jong Il is just kind of… forgotten. He can’t speak to dolphins. He’s known as the “Dear Leader,” (not the “Great Leader” like Il Sung), as if to signify he’s not great but at least he’s beloved in his own way. He can’t even really twerk. In the same way, Kendall’s down-to-earth attitude often means she slips under the radar. This was exemplified by the time she disinvited her father from her Victoria's Secret show because she knew there would be a media frenzy if he came. She just really doesn’t want the attention. Like Jong Il, who made the vast majority of his top advisors men, Kendall is too “one of the boys.” Because Kendall and Jong Il both know what it’s like to be overshadowed by family members, they are clearly mirror versions of each other, forever kept apart but nonetheless reaching for each other across the Pacific Ocean, bonded at the heart.

Kourtney Kardashian as Kim Jong Nam

On his way to Tokyo Disneyland, Jong Nam was poisoned at Kuala Lumpur airport, probably by his own family. The animosity of Jong Nam’s family to him is matched only by the vitriol Kourtney gives her family. But he perseveres even when the odds are against him. Even after trying once to go to Tokyo Disneyland and being deported on the basis of having a false passport, he escaped yet again in a desperate attempt at meeting Cinderella, after which time he met his untimely end. In my personal opinion, it was probably Jong Un (the ultimate hater) who was behind all this– and nobody repels hate better than Kourtney. With Kourtney’s famous exclamation “Kim, there’s people dying!”, she is clearly referencing the tragedy of Jong Nam’s death, as well as bringing her sister back to reality after Kim loses her expensive earring. She even bravely rebels against death itself by condemning Khloe’s funerary decor: “Who let you choose black covers for your furniture? Disgusting.” By heartwarmingly asserting the primacy of life over death, she honors Jong Nam’s bubbly personality in life.

Khloe Kardashian as Kim Jong Chul

Kim Jong Chul is a dreamer. As a child, he wrote a poem saying that in his ideal world, there would be no atom bombs and people would be free, as well as expressing his equally ambitious desire to meet Hollywood action movie star Jean-Claude van Damme— a bold statement from a future dictator. He is a famous Eric Clapton-ite, seeing him twice in London, as well as going to a Clapton concert in Singapore with (gasp) pierced ears! In 2006, he even went on a rock pilgrimage, following Clapton’s tour across four separate German towns. Jong Chul represents the hippie in all of us, just as Khloe brings out the humanitarian element in the family with her work campaigning against furs. By showing that even in the harshest of circumstances dreams can persevere, Jong Chul and Khloe are both inspirations. They are also both victims of social media doxxing; Khloe’s unedited bikini pic was “accidently” posted to her instagram, and Jong Chul was publicly revealed to be an Eric Clapton fan. Therefore, nobody can better respond to the hate then Khloe, who would portray the emo Jong Chul with a combination of simpatico sympathy and photo-shopped finesse.

Caitlyn as Kim Yo Jong

Though many assume Kris Kardashian is the power behind the Kardashian empire, I believe we’re missing out on the real puppet master hiding in plain sight– Caitlyn. Like Kim Yo-Jong, she has flawless skin and a tendency to downplay her achievements. Caitlyn likes to fly model airplanes, and Yo Jong visits war plane facilities. As a director of North Korea’s Propaganda and Agitation Department, Yo Jong engineers the image of Jong Un we know and love today– and Caitlyn helps showcase the down-to-earth side of the Kardashian image. Just as Yo Jong is the power behind the throne, Caitlyn’s secret ambition may just be unlimited– and there would be no better chance for her to showcase this than in a dazzling rendition of Yo Jong herself.

Kylie Jenner as Kim Jong Un

Finally, current North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is the baby of the family. Like Kylie, the youngest ever self-made billionaire, Jong Un is self-made in his own way, carving himself out a place as the only ever “Supreme Leader” of North Korea. Though some may argue he stole this title from the Iranian Ayatollahs, Kim Jong Un’s originality stretches far past where the eye can (literally) see. He has put in place incredibly creative laws, such as one banning taking pictures of the backsides of statues of relatives Il Sung and Jong Il. Though Kylie has no such reservations about backside pics, her creativity manifests just as strongly in her net worth.


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