Elon Musk’s Exercise Regimen

By Elsa Boehm

Many people look at Elon Musk’s cybertrucks, but far too few of them take the time to appreciate his cybertruck-inspired frame. As he emerges from the shadows of his tech-bro lair to slice through our government with a chainsaw, people across the world just have just one question for Elon: “How did you get that buff?”

Ten years ago, Elon invented Starlink Internet to allow people in rural and low-income areas to appreciate his buffness. However, according to countless Instagram hate comments (none of which were left by me), many across the world are clearly still suffering from not knowing how to attain this unique shape, giving Elon’s appearance cruel monikers like “busted” and “Victorian child type shii”. They don’t understand the effort—the cold plunges, the matcha facials, the self-care spa days–that go into maintaining Elon’s impeccable visage. This is why it is my civic duty to share with you, after much investigation, exactly what Elon’s workout regimen entails.

1. Three reps of what haters may describe as “attempted mind control” but Elon calls “#gymspiration.”

Many people are worried about Neuralink: Elon’s brain-computer interface that is currently only used by people with paralysis, probably because they can’t run away from it. People think it will somehow be wielded to mind-control us. But how else will we be able to comprehend the glory of programmed ads (sent directly to our brain) featuring Elon doing leg lifts? And how will we get swole when we don’t have Elon’s #gymspo projected into our mind on a daily basis? Everyone deserves the opportunity to see Elon’s chin-ups give a whole new meaning to his “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” philosophy, and to follow him in his journey to cut pounds by as much as he claims he cut government spending.

2. Deadlifting 7-9 kilograms (the weight of the average heavy duty chainsaw, according to Wikipedia)

Growing up, I was probably told at least once that pointing chainsaws at people is bad. Apparently (according to the Neuralink I embedded into my brain right before writing this paragraph), this is actually a common misconception. Sometimes, chainsaws can be used for good. There are actually many accounts of upstanding citizens using chainsaws for self-protection, including (but not limited to) “Leatherface and Patrick Bateman” (Neuralink, 5 seconds after installment). 

3. Three squats to crack the foundation of democracy

The foundation of democracy is a little shaky, which is where Elon comes in-–to shatter it completely. If you are concerned that three squats is all it takes to crack democracy, don’t worry-–these are three “Elon squats,” which are very different and much better designed (they incorporate the professional expertise of 19 year-old finance bros across America and are probably fueled by some combination of Celsius and Viagra). These three squats can be accompanied by 14 optional “Fs in the chat” posted on “X” in solidarity with each of Elon’s children.

He also probably hits up Planet Fitness occasionally and does some other stuff, but the article stops here because my Neuralink has started sending me neon cybertruck ads and it’s time to go cry into my pillow.