Different Ways to Respond to a Phishing Email

By Chloe Lin

Imagine you’re just minding your own business one day, scarfing down strawberry ice cream topped with marshmallows and maraschino cherries while binging on Netflix, when, in your school email, a notification appears in your inbox. 

When you click on the tab, the first thing you see is the title: JOB OFFER FOR STUDENTS AND STAFF!

When you click into the actual email, it basically reads something along the lines of this:

Dear ________,

You have been chosen as an excellent candidate for a job at Microsoft in its computer engineering department. All students and staff at _______ High School are welcome to apply.

Please click the link provided below this email for more information and for the application form. The job offers $550 a week, but work times are only required on Monday and Thursday for three hours a day. No work experience or skill is required.

All parts of the application form must be filled out in order for us to review your submission!

Henry Golding

Head of Engineering Dept. at Microsoft

What would you do? Accept the job offer and apply, or simply just ignore the email and get back to stuffing down mouthfuls of strawberry ice cream with marshmallows and maraschino cherries while you doomscroll on Netflix? 

I mean, I personally would choose the latter and not the former. Food is always the right answer. Nothing else. 

I hope I don’t burst any hopes that you had for making bank with an easy job like this at such a prestigious company when I say: This is fake. It’s a phishing email. Sorry!

But… It’s okay though because I’m going to give you some ways to respond to them! Good luck! And please don’t actually try this at home, thank you. 

Option #1: Pull an UNO Reverse Card

Dear Mr. Golding,

Thank you for your time and consideration in offering this esteemed candidacy position to me. After careful review and much consideration, I regret to inform you that this is not the right fit for me at this time. I have received so many alluring job offers this year, and in light of this, I am unable to accept every prestigious offer. 

However, please do not take this rejection personally. I recognize that this message may come as a disappointment to you. Nevertheless, I appreciate the interest you have shown in me.

I wish you luck in finding the right person for this job, and in all your future endeavors at Microsoft.

Sincerely,

________

Option #2: Be Smarter Than the Scammer

Dear Scammer,

I was originally going to ignore your email like I do with any other usual phishing email. However, yours caught my eye. I just wanted to let you know about a few things that you might want to consider changing in your next phishing email in order to make it seem more realistic.

I mean, when I read this five minutes ago, it was just absurd! (Atrocious, I tell you.)

• You might want to choose a more generic job position. I have never once in my life expressed any interest in wanting to work in a corporate prison where I would not be able to sleep properly after pulling all-nighters for Satya Nadella over some laptop virus. (If Bill Gates had not retired yet, then maybe I would apply. I think I could see eye-to-eye with him because he loves his burgers just like I do.)

• Now, why in the world would you view students and staff in the same stature?! One group is educated, while the other is not! (I’ll leave it up to your own personal opinions to determine which group is which.) Clearly, this “Microsoft job” is a sham. 

• I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that $550 a week is a high enough salary to pay for someone who is working an ENGINEERING job!!!!! Just think about it for a second, would you take this job?

• “No work experience or skill is required.” Do I even have to explain this to you?

Also, you do know that Henry Golding is this very hot British actor who is not actually going to have the time to be working in Microsoft while also juggling his acting jobs? 

I mean, I know that your favorite movie is probably Crazy Rich Asians and that you claim your favorite character in there is Rachel Chu even though we all know that you’re secretly obsessed with Astrid Leong, but could you not have thought of a better name to use? Seriously?

I don’t even know how to end this email. 

Sincerely,

________

Option #3: Yes? Customer Service? (Scam back, perhaps?)

Dear Mr. Golding,

Thank you for taking the time to reach out. We appreciate it very much.

It seems that you are looking for a worthy candidate to take over a Microsoft engineering job. I am here to tell you that you’re in luck today, as we can help you find the perfect person to hire at Jobs101.Hiring.com. Before we begin the hiring process, please provide us with the information listed below.

• Your name, age, occupation, and address.

• Your personal email and phone number.

• Your payment details for using this service. (We accept PayPal, Venmo, ApplePay, and debit/credit cards.)

• Your mother’s maiden name. (Don’t ask why.)

• Your preferred method of sending emails: Gmail, Outlook, Yahoo, etc. (Security question—I’m sure you’ll understand.)

In addition, please respond to this survey below. It is for research purposes only, and the information you provide will not be shared anywhere else.

• What is your favorite dinosaur?

• Which do you prefer more: marshmallows or maraschino cherries?

• Which streaming service do you prefer: Netflix or Disney+? (If you don’t answer with Netflix, there will be serious repercussions. As a matter of fact, I have Kaz Brekker from Six of Crows standing outside your door right now on standby.)

• Which way do you like to sleep: flat on your back or sideways? (Or on your stomach?)

Thank you for taking the time to answer all of these questions. We cannot wait at Jobs101.Hiring.com to work with you soon Mr. Golding! 

Please let us know if you have any questions, comments, or concerns.

Sincerely,

________

Option #4: BABES, THIS IS THE WRONG EMAIL!

Hey gurl!!!

Ik u told me that u would be sending in a new batch of phishing emails today 4 ur job, but I just wanted to lyk that u sent it to the wrong person! But it’s ok babes, I get it. 

Anyways, I just wanted to run a few things by u before our hangout sesh this afternoon! Are we still on for going to Erewhon this afternoon and grabbing those delicious strawberry smoothies before we head to the gym for a pilates sesh? Oh, and I also want to stop by Trader Joe’s so I can catch a glimpse of that cute cashier that works at checkout #3. What’s his name again? Josh? Joe? James?

Whatever, anywhos, do u also want to go to a fancy Italian restaurant w/ me tonight? Ik you’ll be free to pay this time b/c u made a lot of bank last week from the elderly!!!! Eeeee! I’m so excited. Ik you’ll say yes queen. :)

By the way, did u steal my social security number recently? I can’t seem to find it…

Lmk <3

~________ (ur BFF)