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My Beige Diet: A Guide to the Beigeatarian Lifestyle

By Caelan DiCosmo For years, children around the modern world have been taught the benefits of the rainbow

diet. Like my peers, I fell victim to this false fitness ideal. I placed my self-worth in the reds,

greens, and yellows heaped high on my plate. This supposedly healthful diet is actually a scheme cooked up by big fitness and health corporations around the world to oppress the masses. Since starting my beige diet, I have never been happier. I am sleeping more, appreciating my well-designed living room more, and giving more money to the wonderful doctors who care for our country. Below is a list of the many beige foods that you should add to your diet and why they are essential factors in leading a fulfilled life.

Oats

Perhaps one of the healthiest beige options, oats are a nutritious and inexpensive food to

add to your monochromatic meal plan. These delightfully colorless grains contain a soluble fiber known as beta-glucan. This lowers blood glucose and cholesterol levels leading to a reduced risk of heart disease and diabetes. Oats also promote healthy gut bacteria and intestinal health. Oat foods include oat bread, oatmeal or porridge, and granola, and all fall under the beige category. Sadly, oats are relatively flavorless compared to more delicious beige options. My recommendation would be to add two to three cups of maple syrup to your oats to bring out its hidden qualities. If this is not an option for you, brown sugar works just as well.


Bread

Bread, an ancient form of prepared food, is one of the most beloved of all beige foods.

Bread is full of dietary fibers, an essential part of your everyday beige diet. These fibers help

regulate blood sugar levels, nourish gut microflora, and keep you full. The American Institute for Cancer Research found that whole wheat bread and grain contain dietary fibers and

phytochemicals with anti-cancer properties. This incredible substance will save your life!

However, due to the fact that bread is low in these nutrients, it must be eaten in large amounts in order to reach the desired effect. As I always say, calories are not like golf - go for the triple bogey every time.


Potatoes

Foods like potato chips and fries get a bad rap, but really, you should be eating more of

them. Yes, fried foods are high in fats, however, it’s not an issue unless you make it one. What is your goal with the beige diet? To reach ultimate fitness, or invest in a safe and bland lifestyle that will have you living well into your forties? Frying potatoes does not take away from the benefits of food, it only adds a rich and calorie-heavy flavor to your beige diet. They also contain high amounts of vitamin C, so if you’ve ever contracted Scurvy, I have your solution. Using my nutritional knowledge and skills of deduction, I was able to conclude that instead of eating fruits and vegetables, like some evil, rainbow diet fanatics recommend, simply substituting high amounts of potatoes will do the same. Plus, there is the added bonus of double the calories. Personally, I love to see a higher score on my tests (and now my calorie tracker!).


Beer

The most scandalous part of My Beige Diet is beer. However, to the great shock of many,

beer is more nutritious than many other alcoholic beverages. The protein, fiber, vitamin B, folate, and niacin found in beer make it quite nutritious. According to the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, particularly hoppy beer can make your bones stronger. To those who may be wondering, “doesn’t beer cause cancer?” Maybe - but any alcohol-related disease can also be caused by sugar. You probably drink soda already, so please, drop that Dr. Pepper and pick up a Budweiser. Again, like all things in the beige diet, I recommend more rather than less in order to maximize the benefits. The rainbow diet suggests water with each meal, but I’m here to change that. I consume at least one beer per meal, and I have yet to feel any adverse effects. Doctors are consistently impressed with my health - I’ve heard more than once, “It’s a wonder you’re alive!” I agree, life is beautiful, and the human body and the complexities of its systems are amazing.


The most important advice I can impart on my readers: don’t let yourself be persuaded by the rainbow diet enthusiasts preying on your downfall. They want to see you tremble over a plate of colorful fruits, vegetables, and meats. I want to see you prosper.

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