By Aarti Kalamangalam:
Policies that Kanye West Will Enact as Our 2020 President (because let's face it, isn't he inevitable?)
Disclaimer: All the following assertions come from 100% reputable sources, and are definitely not made up. In fact, as the author of this article, I can tell you with certainty that they're not made up, because I gathered them myself from the Kardashian-West family. I walked into their Calabasas mansion (if you send someone an email and they don't respond, that means they know you're coming, right?), plopped myself down on their 24K gold couch, and conducted the interview myself. I can still remember the dazzling white of Kanye's teeth. I was a professional, so I asked questions pertaining only to West's political aspirations. I didn't mention the teeth. I definitely didn't ask him what toothpaste he uses, and I definitely didn't suggestively imply something after he told me that Kim wasn't home. Here's the information I got:
1. Much to the left's surprise, Kanye stands with the removal and abolition of Confederate statues and school namesakes. In fact, he wants to replace every statue of a white man with a powerful black one-- himself. Every school will be Kanye West High School and every statue will be of West himself.
2. Cementing his position as a president for both parties, Kanye agrees with the right when it comes to abortion laws. He does not believe in a woman's right to choose. In fact, under his reign, every pregnancy must be carried to term and, one step further, every child must be named after West himself. To allow creative expression of the people, West is graciously allowing the children to have names that are anagrams of his rather than plain carbon copies. As a woman, I see this as a plus. I was planning on naming my first born son Yeank, anyway. Either Yeank or Kenay, I haven't decided.
3. Another hot-button issue is climate change. With research telling us the world will end in twelve years, what is President Ye going to do??? Simple. He will, as he told me in so many words, “stop it”. A genius strategy no one’s ever thought of before, Mr. West. I, for one, cannot wait to see the “stop it” bill drafted and voted on in Congress. Who would even vote against such an obviously good policy? West cares more for the environment than many give him credit for. In fact, when I met him, he was in the middle of organizing his collection of mason jar farts. When I asked him what for, he said simply “the environment”. Only a man with pure dedication and passion for the world around him would take so many inconvenient precautions to protect it. As we all know, human flatulence is the number one cause of climate change, and for Kanye to admit his own shortcomings about that took real accountability and leadership. After he crafted the perfect pyramid of jars (making for stunning home decor, I must say), he put down the bottled water he was drinking and flicked his cigarette into the lawn, getting ready to answer my subsequent questions.
4. Gun control is an issue plaguing America today-- even West, a normally positive individual, acknowledges that it “sucks”. West’s plan to abolish school shootings in the United States is short and sweet (just like the man himself, in my professional opinion): post bodyguards at
every school in the nation. Not just any bodyguards, though-- they have to be Kanye West dopplegangers. West asserts that everyone is “mad intimidated” by him, eerily similar to how the old religious group the Quakers used to “quake” in fear of the Lord. By hiring his lookalikes to defend schools, he maintains that school shooters will be too afraid to go through with their plans, disarmed by the mere sight of Kanye West. In my completely unbiased opinion, I think this is a great plan. There is only one emotion that the face of Kanye West brings me, and it’s not fear. It’s lust-- I mean, ahem, respect. Pure, unadulterated lust respect.
5. His final and most groundbreaking policy is his view of immigration. With so many children and families detained at the border in such inhumane conditions, action is desperately needed, and no one recognizes that more than West. His worldview, which he took seven long hours to detail to me, is one that claims that mindset is everything. He extrapolated on this by saying that his own life, as he describes it, was one big “detainment camp” and he had to “think” his way out of it in order to reach the top. I assume he will apply the same strategy to the issue of immigration, though I can’t be sure, since he spent the majority of the rest of the interview trying to get me to appreciate his freestyle rap skills. At this point, West had run out of steam and couldn’t answer any more of my relevant interview questions, which makes sense because we’d been going strong for about ten minutes without breaks. All I have to say is, I’m sure West’s policy on immigration will be life-changing, even if it might only exist inside his head. He can probably just telepathically communicate his idea to Congress.
Ending Thoughts: After spending hours with Kanye West (most of which consisted of him quizzing himself on every album he’s ever released and saying his own name over and over like a Pokemon), I can unequivocally say that his policies will be what America needs. It’s not a question of if he’ll become president, it’s of the legislation he’ll pass when he certainly does. All we can do as citizens is be on the right side of history, and support Kanye West. I’d also like to note that I have received criticism of my support of Kanye West being “biased” or “not based on fact” which I’d like to wholeheartedly reject. If, after reading this article, you cannot see my scientific, logical, reasonable portrayal of West and his policies, then I’d recommend you spend time with him yourself. Look into his kind eyes and stare at his blinding smile and tell me with no doubt that you still don’t agree with him. And Kanye, if you’re reading this, tell Kim that she looks so much better now that she’s lost the baby weight. Kim, you’re cute, but you’ve got nothing on me. Sleep with one eye open. To everyone who made it to the end of this article, I’d like to leave you with the immortal words of West himself. “I don’t care about what people think, because people don’t think”.
*Note: This piece was awarded 3rd Place in the 2020 Milking Cat Summer Comedy Competition*