By Natalie Parker:
In celebration of Pride Month, Heaven is excited to announce an all-new feature: allowing all queer people in!
In recent decades, we here at Heaven Inc. have noticed a steep drop in the influx of dearly departed souls through our pearly gates. While some of this may be attributed to the unfortunate spread of minor Earthly phenomena such as climate denial and lying to your dentist about how often you floss, most of it is actually due to our previous ban on out-and-proud gay people. Sure, we barred a few of them over the centuries, but since people on Earth have become more accepting of the queer community, more and more of them started to go down to Hell. Recently, some of them have even chosen that over our beautiful forever paradise! I—excuse me, we—have witnessed quite a few, ah, uniquely dressed individuals with colorful hair take one look at our stunning exterior, tailored uniquely to the eyes of each person who sees it so that it seems most beautiful to them, turn right around, and go walking down the steps into that ghastly pit of Hell, fugly shag carpeting and all! It’s enough to make an angel want to toss out his harp and go join those grotesque minions of Satan that only know how to play “Don’t Stop Believin’!”
Anyway, we now have an open-door policy for all queer people. Here, you guys can enjoy complete eternal pleasure. Your lives are all painful; let us alleviate that pain for you with our special Heavenly Tylenol that, unlike real Tylenol, actually works! Heaven is literally perfect. Everyone just gets to sit around all day, basking in that wonderful perfection. Doesn’t that sound better than drinking cheap flaming shots and playing limbo with fragments of burning funeral pyres, all the while poking through the melting remnants of long-dead spirits on the off chance that you will happen upon Oscar Wilde? Here, you can listen to audiobooks of The Picture of Dorian Gray that are actually read in his voice, even though he went to Hell. It’s super rad!
Come to heaven, queer people, and tell everyone you know about our new slogan:
“COME TO HEAVEN! IT’S GOTTA BE BETTER THAN HELL, RIGHT GUYS? RIGHT?!”
Author’s Note: This is in NO WAY meant to be taken seriously. I repeat, DO NOT take this piece seriously. It was written by a very silly queer person who doesn’t even believe in heaven and hell. Taking this seriously would be just as cringe-worthy as Adam Sandler’s undisputed worst film, Jack and Jill. That’s right, taking me seriously would be the same levels of deplorable as Adam Sandler in an ill-fitting wig playing two fraternal twins, and playing the female one in a way that is somehow more homophobic than anything else he has ever done even though he’s breaking gender barriers. Also, Adam Sandler is rather unattractive, and his co-romantic leads are always so hot. What the fuck is that about? But, I digress. I am silly, this is silly, and global warming will be permanent in the next few years. Happy Pride Month!