top of page

Serial Farter

By Benji Elkins:

KEITH: Hey John, sorry I’m late, there was no parking.

JOHN: Oh okay, you parked out back then?

KEITH: No I valeted it.

JOHN: You used the valet?

KEITH: Yeah.

JOHN: The valet outfront?

KEITH: Yeah, where else would I valet the car?

JOHN: Dude.

KEITH: What?

JOHN: You can’t use that valet!

KEITH: What, why?

JOHN: You just can’t!

KEITH: I use valets all the time, I mean I know they can be pricey but in the city you have t-

JOHN: No Keith, the valet here is a serial farter!

KEITH: A what?

JOHN: You gave your keys to the little unkempt guy out front? In the soccer jersey?

KEITH: Yeah, he's out there all the time. What do you mean a serial farter? Is he not a valet?

JOHN: No he's just a serial farter! He farts in every car he sits in!

KEITH: What? What are you saying?

JOHN: I’ve caught this guy multiple times! He does it on purpose too, he has a little drawer I’ve seen where he keeps pictures of the car he’s defiled.

KEITH: John that's ridiculous.

JOHN: I’m telling the truth Keith. I've followed him home.

KEITH: What? That is crazy. You're crazy.

JOHN: I'm crazy? Your car is currently being farted in.

KEITH: You're right. Well can we do anything about this? Can we notify the restaurant? I mean, I’ve entrusted my car to this guy.

JOHN: I’ve tried, but the restaurant won’t believe me.

KEITH: I thought you said you’ve caught him multiple times.

JOHN: Well I don’t have it on video or anything.

KEITH: I know, what if we fart in his car. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

JOHN: Frankly, I don’t think he has a car. I mean we can infer that if he has even a shade of decency that if he had his own car he would fart there and that the reason he farts in our cars is only out of necessity.

KEITH: Oh, that would make sense. Kinda like a homeless man stealing bread, he doesn’t want to do it, but out of a lack of his own personal...grains, resorts to stealing, or in the case of our valet, farting in, the property of others.

JOHN: Exactly. In fact, now that we are exploring this avenue, I think that we were a little too harsh on our farting friend. I mean this is really an interesting brainstorm we've got going with this grandiose gasseur. I would even go as far as to now assume he isn't so bad of a guy after all.

KEITH: I mean I know he is farting out of necessity,

JOHN: As we have established, yes.

KEITH: But he is still farting in my car! And also what about his drawer where he keeps records of each car he has farted in. Only a psychopath would do that.

JOHN: That does bust a hole in our theory. But....


JOHN: But maybe, he documents each car he has farted in so that he knows the effectiveness of odor retention.

KEITH: Interesting.

JOHN: Being the good man that he is, and due to the fact that he farts out of necessity rather than malice, he documents in which cars the smell dissipates fastest, letting him know for future reference which cars he can feel more comfortable to fart in. For now, he can fart in, say, a Chevrolet Tahoe, knowing the smell will soon disappear, but maybe he would be more cautious farting in a Toyota Prius.

KEITH: I own a Prius.

JOHN: Then you should be safe!

KEITH: Oh thank God!

MANAGER: Excuse me gentlemen but we have received some complaints about your volume in the restaurant. Could you please quiet down?

JOHN: Yes of course, sorry, but we were just discussing your farting valet, and have come to terms with the fact that we have absolved his gaseous ways.

KEITH: Yes, we were quite worked up before but now we are ready to forgive and forget.

JOHN: Bring the chap out here, we'll let him know he's not a bad guy after all.

MANAGER: Um, thank you, but we don’t have a valet.

JOHN & KEITH: Oh shit.


bottom of page