Taco Bell Training 101

By Emily Erickson-Karanja

CONGRATS, NEW TACO BELL HIREE!

As your trainee, it’s my job to teach you how to be the best employee you can be. I know you might be wondering why we’re always hiring, but I can assure you it’s just business and corporate stuff. America is known for having some of the finest dining establishments, such as KFC, McDonald’s, and the artisanal sandwich shop Subway. After over a year of working at this authentic Mexican restaurant, I believe I have truly mastered the art of feeding a family of 16 in under 4 minutes. Take my advice, and you’ll be the next Employee of the Month guaranteed.

1. Show up late. Many people don’t know this, but when Taco Bell managers create the schedule, they use something called Chalupa Standard Time. CHST actually operates outside the laws of time and space, so you’ll always be on time no matter when you show up. Just don’t be late coming back from break, or else they will ring the taco bell to summon the feral cats that live in the parking lot.

2. Part of feeling your best is looking your best. Taco Bell wants all of its employees to not only look presentable but also to be ready to attend the Met Gala at any given moment. We need a good representation of the company, so make sure to wear your expensive jewelry and clothing each day. Every employee is required to own at least one Cartier bracelet and to keep up with the latest fashion trends. If you show up wearing skinny jeans, you will be fired on the spot–that is so 2016.

3. Never wash your hands. Ever. I know there are multiple signs in the building telling you to do so, and it is a crucial part of passing inspection, but that’s just what they want you to think. The cheese and bean remnants enhance the taste of the food. If you wash your hands, you wash away all the flavor from the past tacos. It’s like a cast iron pan; never use soap and water.

4. We all know the saying “The customer is always right,” but here at Taco Bell, we believe in a different approach. Clearly, if you’re the one making the food, you know best. You are the Gordon Ramsay of this establishment. Around here, the employee is always right. If they ask for the manager, kick them out. If they say you made their food wrong, kick them out. If they say there’s no sauce in the lobby, tell them to make their own sauce. And don’t go telling people “my pleasure,” this isn’t Chick-fil-A. You don’t work for the customers; you work for Mr. Bell. Remember that.

5. When putting things in the fryer, you kind of just want to shake the bag vaguely over the fryer basket like you’re putting sprinkles on a cake. The goal is to create a delicious soup, a frankensoup, if you will. At the end of the night, you get to search for the copious amounts of potatoes and Cinnabons submerged in the jet-black oil. It’s like fishing, but with hot air and constant beeping instead of trees and nature sounds. #Frankensoup!

6. Post about Taco Bell whenever you get the chance. When you apply for this job, you are signing up to be an ambassador. It’s important to keep the company relevant; any advertising is good advertising. You heard your coworker is about to cannonball into the overflowing, industrial-sized sink? Record it! You found a cute little critter in the box of onions? Snap a pic, and don’t forget to tag Taco Bell. The manager will definitely find it just as funny. They might even promote you!

7. Managers are known to have a wicked sense of humor. When they tell you to do something, it’s usually just a joke, so don’t take it too seriously. I remember my boss told a joke one time that was so funny we almost peed ourselves. It went something like, “Go mop the lobby floor.” She was a hoot! Another time, she told me I had to stop collecting the Baja Blast in milk jugs to sell at school. Like, yeah, right. How else would the children get their nutrients?

8. The expiration dates on everything are just suggestions. They don’t want you to know this, but the amount of preservatives and chemicals in the food actually makes it last forever. I could have sworn I saw the beef glowing when I opened the cabinet halfway. If it looks like something is getting old, just give it a good stir and call it a day. We try to create as little waste as possible, saving the Earth one incandescent burrito at a time.

9. Let that hair down! Make sure you brush it periodically to keep that clean, sleek appearance. We always want to remain presentable in front of our valuable customers. Since the relationship with our customers is our top priority, there are many things you will be expected to do to give them an easy and satisfying experience.

10. If the cents portion of the total is almost a full dollar, like 85 cents, just round it up and keep the change. 15 cents? More like 15%! You deserve that tip. A lot of the time, customers forget to add the tip, so they appreciate it when you do it for them. It’s just another service we provide to give customers the best experience at our restaurant.

As you can see, it takes hard work to be a Taco Bell employee. Under the wing of a sage like me, you’ll do just fine. I see the potential in you already, and if you follow the steps, you could become the first Michelin-starred taquero in America. Good luck!