The Big Bad Wolf’s PR Campaign

By Chloe Lin

“I know, I know, I’ve been the Big Bad Wolf for so long, but I feel as if it’s time for some rebranding, don’t ya think?”

Three pairs of wide eyes blinked up at him. The wolf opened his mouth to smile wide, but the three little pigs in front of him flinched back with unease. 

“Um,” the eldest pig pushed his glasses up the ridge of his nose. “We’re… The Three Little Pigs, the big marketing company you terrorized for years? Why would you need us now?”

The wolf snapped his teeth. “Don’t be so snippy, it’s not like you even have a nose! What do you need those glasses for? Huh?!”

The pig flinched backwards even more than he had originally. 

“Ahem,” the second eldest pig seemed to be twitching his left eye rapidly. “You… You’re saying you… You want to have a new image? One that makes you seem like… The Big Good Wolf?”

The wolf snapped his fingers. “Exactly right! I want you three to make me sound like a god has stepped down into this world of mortals and joined them in their journey of becoming better, but we all know I’m the best and–”

A loud crunch interrupted him. Whipping his head around, he glared at the youngest of the three pigs. 

“S– S– Sorry,” the pig ducked his head sheepishly. 

“Don’t eat when I’m speaking!” The wolf grabbed the churro from the pig’s hand and started to munch on it furiously.

“How do you expect us to help you when you’ve been rude to us ever since this company started? Don’t you have something else better to do?” The eldest of the pigs spoke up again as he started fiddling with his tie. 

“I promise I’m all positive-vibes now! I even switched to plant-based huffing and puffing!” The wolf continued to chomp on the churro. “I’m seriously not the villain here; I’m just misunderstood. Like, like– Pineapple on pizza!”

“Hey!” The youngest little pig stood up from his seat. “I love pineapple on pizza!”

“I can tell,” the wolf muttered out of the side of his mouth.

The oldest pig spoke up again, but not before a very loud sigh came out of his mouth. “How do you expect us to help you if you can’t even shut that mouth of yours for a few solid seconds!?”

The wolf’s head reared back in surprise. “Yeesh, and they said the little pigs didn’t have a backbone. I guess you do. I’m impressed. Good job, mate.”

“Er, brothers, I think we should just turn this man down.” The second eldest pig said, shifting his hooves.

“I’m a wolf! Not a man!” The wolf sighed dramatically and flopped down on one of the chairs in the meeting room, causing it to lower by a foot or so.

“Good idea, brother,” the eldest pig said. The youngest nodded along vigorously before timidly asking, “B– By the way, once we’re done, can we go eat some–”

“No!” Three heads swiveled towards the youngest pig in annoyance as he cowered under their glares.

“So, what about your allegations of blowing down houses?” the second eldest pig asked.

“Again, just a little misunderstanding,” the wolf smiled widely, showing his teeth. “I was just… in need of… Testing my lung capacity for a future deep-sea diving program!”

“Sure you were,” the pig muttered back, crossing his arms. 

I’m coming to your houses next. The wolf glowered at the pigs. 

“Well,” the eldest pig started to obsessively clean his glasses, much to the wolf’s irritation. “Your rebranding idea sounds great, honestly… But that is if we were marketing for wolves, which… We clearly don’t do this here.”

The wolf stood up, his teeth fully barred now. This caused the three little pigs to cower back in fear.

“The next time I see you chickens will be when I eat grilled pork!” 

The wolf tried to slam the door with a flourish on his way out of the meeting room, but ended up causing the door to fall off its hinges in a loud thump.

“Whoops,” he muttered.

***

The sound of a projector clicking closed knocked the wolf out of a daze. He looked down from the screen and turned to face the three little pigs behind him.

The wolf raised one pointed finger slowly at the screen. 

“T– Th– That’s– That’s how you will rebrand my image?! Showing the world a video of me breaking a door on my way out of a meeting with you guys?!”

The eldest pig shrugged. “It’s funny, is it not?”

“Besides,” the second eldest pig chimed in. “You thought we were going to let your old crimes pass by just because you wanted to change now?”

The youngest pig scoffed, his hands holding a large bowl of buttered popcorn. “Yeah, right.”

The wolf snarled and yanked the bowl of popcorn out of the pig’s hands.